#CheckInWithMe: Give and get support here.

Most of my fear is coming from what is happening in the world. Things that I have talked about and many things I have not.

Sometimes comments can really feel dismissive. Most of the time they are really supportive.

If I were to talk about the panic that is setting in without discussing why, or if I intentionally cut out the “politics” of it- I don’t think I would have the dismissive comments. Because what I am panicking about is tied to politics, it seems like some people are quick to dismiss my fears because they don’t believe the information I state.

It’s hard because as a community, I have always felt we support each other. And most of the time- we do. We have a lot of differences. We share a lot of similarities. But if someone is talking about something they are struggling with, commments are usually encouraging and validating rather than saying “that’s not going to happpen.” It makes it feel like more work to post and filter out comments when I really need support.

So instead I have been holding it in more.

I thought this was a safe place to talk, and maybe I am just having a moment. But my posts where I actually talk about what I am afraid of, things that are validated in therapy and based on what is happening, are almost becoming triggers. I do not comment on other people’s posts to dismiss their concerns and say it will all be fine. So instead I feel like I have to put some shiny paint over my posts or not post at all. Because what I’m really afraid of, what is driving many of my symptoms, is what is being proposed in the government.

Politics and religion- two things you don’t talk about- right? But when politics are putting your health in danger- do you just shut up because people don’t believe what is happening? I don’t comment on other people’s posts about religion and argue with them about whether or not I believe what they believe.

But I am still scared. And I am angry. I am angry this is happening. I am angry that talking about this is causing me more pain. I am angry that people have dismissed my fears in the past rather than listening to me. It feels like a repeat of the conversations I had right before I became homeless. “It won’t happen.” Right now- I have health insurance. I am disabled. I am “protected.” “It won’t happen.”

I’m trying to decide what I want to do with these feelings. I can’t tie a bow on this anymore. And every time I get triggered by something like this, it feels like I shouldn’t come back for awhile because it is embarrassing. It is frustrating not actually be able to talk about what I am feeling on a place that has been safe until I opened my mouth about health insurance and disability and the US government.

It’s just feeling a lot harder lately.

#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PanicDisorder #CheckInWithMe