#PTSD #Depression #Bipolar2 #MentalHealth #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #Suicide #CheckInWithMe #ADHD
A few weeks back I had a rude awakening to the fact I lived throug a medical traumatic experience in December 2024 which (in 2024) added to my CPTSD and reactivated my multiple SA trauma (I didn't understand why my body was in fight or flight x10 now that I know it feel like x100 because I'm feel ashamed that my body is reacting to a threat that is not there.) The worst is that it's not written in the hospital medical report what happened. I'm spiraling badly and I do not know where to turn. It felt like an suffocating and there's this "shouting" in my head 24/7. Since December 2024 the dial was slowly rising from a 3 to like a 7. But, now, it's all the way up to 10 and I can't function. The only way to not go crazy or full sucidal is to avoid the real world. The noise dims back down to 7 and I feel like I can semi breath when I "become" someone else (avoidance 101): reading, writing, digital media like YouTube shorts or tiktok. Anything to keep my brain from being in the now. The moment I move - doing chores, going to the bathroom, getting something to eat, being social - it's back to 10, my brain starts screaming and I start suffocating. Right now, writing this, it's horrible. I just want to bang my head against the wall or take my car, get on the highway and purposefully swerve at a 140km/h into an incoming 18 wheeler, fully charged, going down hill with no breaks (how would I know he has no breaks? I don't know. That's what I visualize). Like, just take me out. I don't even sleep... I pass out and wake up hours later sitting right up in bed with my cell still in my hand, glasses on my face, light on. For my to realize it's bad, it's really bad. My problem, my public psychiatrist is out on maternity (Canada - yeah! paid maternity!) and the psychiatrist they replaced her with actually told me "Interning you for the max 2 weeks wouldn't change anything for you. We don't have the service you need around here." (yeah! for rural areas.) "Plus you have someone at home that can watch over you." It's not my roommates JOB to watch over me. Get in contact with the big centers and get me in. Do something! Anything! Please!!! ... But no, next appointment is in 3 months when she knows I'm also facing the real possibility I'm going to be homeless come July {for more info: my roommate - who is a family member - has been threatening me to throw me out knowing full well I can't afford rent. He also knows that my cats are my reason to live - he has been threatening to put them down if I don't do my chores, "move", and sleep reasonable hours - he wants me in bed by 21:00 max 22h00. Yet, lately I've spend 58 hours awake before I passed out for 4 hrs and was back up for another 36 hrs before I passed out for two hours. When I'm awake like that I'm sitting on my bed, completely silent reading or writing, creating no noise, making damn sure to not even drink so I'm not walking around going to the bathroom for 12hrs - and he has the gall to tell me I'm keeping him up when I don't go to bed. HOW? By breathing? We have seperate rooms and my legs moving under my covers CAN NOT be keeping you up. Anyway, my exchange psychiatrist KNOWS this. ALL of this and more. Yet, she leaves me under his care. ... I'm drowning and no one cares. (At least, I have funny moments like the one in the photo.)
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