A lot happened today… And everything was so sudden. I barely got time to figure out what was really happening. Recently, I have probably been dealing with PTSD… I just really don’t have a clear idea about this but the symptoms I have been facing lately are horrifying.
I just randomly find myself going back to those traumatizing memories and they just come so randomly… Like anything I see or hear, I find myself reliving those moments so accurately almost like a movie where the flashback is depicted so perfectly with every prominent detail...For example, memories come randomly and I start acting like I am back there… I hear the voices, I feel the pain… Every detail with accuracy… Or even if I watch something similar, I start comparing myself and my traumas.... It feels as if it is happening just now… Like randomly zoning out… It’s terrible...
Even when I go to those very places, I find myself feeling the pain... Like that vulnerable version of myself is standing just right in front of me... And I feel guilt and resentment equally… Somehow, I hate that version of myself… Then the next moment, I cry thinking how much I have suffered… It’s a mix... And when something like that comes from those very people, I literally lose my control and act aggressively… I have never ever in my life been this aggressive… Even I am shocked the next moment… But the aggression comes so quickly and I just end up losing control… I can’t tolerate it… Even those very faces and voice tones, I have seen at that time... I can’t just tolerate it...
A memory to share.. There was a specific time when I was having suicidal thoughts and dealing with frequent panic attacks because of my father… He was so cruel and what he used to speak was beyond my tolerance… Horrifying, cruel words… And that time, something like this happened and I just had a panic attack.... It was so bad that the only thing I could say was Call my mother… That’s it… And, I was hearing him say that She has gone mad...Call the mental hospital… And the worst part, I was hearing it clearly right in the middle of that terrible panic attack when I was literally shaking… Yeah… at that very moment… And, the horror... I am still haunted by that... It was terrifying....
And, I don’t know if I can call this PTSD... I have no idea about this...
But if you have gone through anything like this too, it would mean a lot if you’d like to share your experience as well… I would really appreciate that...#Depression #MentalHealth #Anxiety #PTSD #CheckInWithMe #MightyTogether
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