chronicsuicidalideation

***suicide trigger warning***
I almost did it this time.
I was holding the pills in my hand and then I decided I’ll put them in my pocket for later. I called a friend of mine and I told her that I didn’t do it I didn’t swallow the pills and I’ll do it tonight but she should be proud that I didn’t do it.
and then I realized I WASNT ok and that was JUST FINE!! I needed help!
I was in the psychiatric hospital for a week and now I’m stable!!! proud to be a survivor!
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #chronicsuicidalideation #Anxiety #Depression #PTSD #Suicide #Survivor #MajorDepressiveDisorder #EatingDisorders

A few hours ago i heard some devastating news that had me have a full blown panic attack and #suicidal in less than three hours of the event. I 've been suicidal in most of my life already. But today i feel extremely foggy and like i 've lost my mind. I can't keep doing this anymore. The news i received made me feel to blame for a decision i made that turned out terribly. It is a lot to handle and i am wondering how can i go through this alone. I feel like i deserve to die for making this decision and i wish i could turn back time. But i can't. 💔

I could try and set an appointment with my therapist but i feel like she will disregard my feelings and won't understand. I don't know what to do. 😭 I am lost in my thoughts and i feel like i can't recover from this, like this is the end. I know i don't deserve it but i need someone to be here and hold my hand and tell me that everything is going to be alright. I 've been deprived of this for a very long time. I cannot fight alone anymore. How can a person survive mental illness with no support system?

I do not know what to do. It seems like a dead end. I feel i cannot handle my emotions or even collect my thoughts.

#Selfblame #Loneliness #BPD #intenseemotions #DepressiveEpisode #wrongDecisions #Selfharm #chronicsuicidalideation #suicidal #Fightingformylife for a very long time...

what do you do when you are having constant suicidal thoughts? I really want to stay out of the hospital... any tips how I can cope?
#chronicsuicidalideation #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #Depression #Suicide #PersonalityDisorders #PTSD

I experience chronic suicidal ideation despite my current level of anxiety or depression and am fairly certain I am only alive today because guilt is my driving emotion. Guilt for everything, anything, small or big, rational or irrational its constant & strong. Guilt brings my all the way to the edge, until im about to go over, but won't let me finish the job because I know if any of my consciousness or awareness lingers when I'm gone the guilt of leaving my children would be worse than any I've ever felt and you can only kill yourself once. Sometimes I even resent the people I love for making me feel too guilty to die, and then, the guilt sinks in for the resentment and I feel disgusted with myself and back to the edge I go. The circle never stops. Sometimes I feel like the negative energy in my body is so strong it will do the job for me, like I will just cease to live. My mind and body will give up and I won't have to decide whether I live or die. No life, no guilt, just nothing. This is often the thought that keeps me from killing myself, the light at the end of my tunnel is the thought that maybe I'll just die soon. 25 years of this, over 9000 days of this. After putting a number on it, everything else I planned to say seems ridiculous. #9000dayswishingiweredead
#chronicsuicidalideation
#MTHFRMutation