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    Public transit anxiety

    My #Claustrophobia (stemming from #OCD ) has made the train into the city very challenging for work.. someone stood too close to me today and I broke out into a cold sweat and just got off at the next stop even tho it wasn’t mine. Today, there was a bomb threat on the train line I usually take. I have to take the same train to work tomorrow and I am fully #fixating on the risk, I can’t relax, my pulse is racing, how am I going to get through the train ride to work.. can’t work from home.. I don’t want to let this fear win and set into a permanent fear… I can’t stop thinking about it and I’m getting to the point of being terrified… please help, it feels like my mind is in a tornado and I am reminding myself to breathe deeply but not hyperventilate

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    Do not understand.#CPTSD ,#avm #artheals

    I have been told, by a case worker, with our insurance provider,a diagnosis I was unaware of.This isn't the first time.I was told by the neurosurgeonsRN called me to tell me size and severity of my AVM prior to knowing I had one.I was told I had claustrophobia after having a seperate surgeon ask for general anesthesia for me.That is still in my chart.I am exhausted of not knowing the husband doubts anything unless he gears it himself.He won't speak about it without it turning into an argument.An argument over the multiple diagnosis.I can remember when he'd say..I thought it was so n so.Last visit you said it was this.Now your saying this.Ive been actually advocating for myself.Told tonight that I go on and on and on.I had only spoke for less than 5 screaming or calling names.Calm.Shocked at his lack of reaction.His accusing look and tone.T hat things are sarcastically implied.Jabs and stares that are defensive and too much for me.I need to express myself.It is not my problem if the person Im talking to cant handle their emotions.Im not keeping mine in anymore.When Im pushed.I react.Why am I wrong for pushing back?When I was asking for reassurance, all you did was fight.

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    How to Break Panic Attacks

    Part 1 of 2 The room was spinning. There were hundreds of people. Intelligent, impactful people. As I stood on the platform in front of the crowd, everything went blurry, out of focus, as though I was being sucked into a vortex. Blood rushed to my head and I couldn’t think. I couldn’t speak… something had to come out, but language evaded me. I leaned into the microphone. I tried to conjure up a string of words that would make sense, anything, just to release me from this state of panic. I desperately wanted to escape, as though it were a night terror that I was helplessly trying to snap myself out of; only I knew waking up wasn’t an escape, I was already awake, I could feel everything too vividly. There was no way of getting out, I was stuck in the mess.

    This was one of many #PanicAttacks I personally experienced over several years. I’m not sure when they first crept into my life. I’ve always been a bit shy around people I don’t know, but I’d done plenty of public speaking over the years, which I could handle fine. But, the day when I stepped up to the microphone to accept a business award, I was riddled with stress – it was a hideous experience. #Anxiety simply had gotten the better of me.

    I had been thinking about that awards night all day. It was a constant tug of war in my mind, wanting to win our business category, but dreading the idea of an acceptance speech on stage. Looking back, it’s easy to see the stress I had all around me – some of it I can stem back to key events, like when my 4-week old son went into emergency heart surgery, and the PTSD that followed. And for whatever reason, I can also be just a bit of an anxious person – I like to be perfect, but never meet that lofty standard. That night, in that season of my life, the two of those things well and truly collided and formed a lethal combination, breeding panic attacks that were becoming more regular by the day. #Claustrophobia of the mind. You freeze. You’re stuck. You can’t go backward, you can’t go forwards. There’s nothing you can do about it… at least, that’s what I believed at the time – that I was simply at the mercy of this malicious mind which showed up as it pleased. It was becoming more regular, and it was a lonely place. Most of all, it was a scary proposition living with the thought of future panic attacks – you begin panicking about panicking – how stupid is that! So you go to what comes naturally and avoid situations prone to giving rise to panic, perpetuating further anxiety.

    I remember the conversation vividly. My wife and I were attending a course for families who had suffered from significant stress as a result of their child’s chronic heart condition. In a private conversation, I asked the psychologist hosting the course whether there’s anything you can do about panic attacks. I was surprised by how succinct her answer was. She simply said you can do two things. Reduce your daily life stress from a 9 to an 8. And, breathe. I’ve since learnt to add one more – gradual exposure.

    1. Reduce Daily Stress

    2. Deep Breathing

    3. Gradual Exposure

    Here’s the thing. If your general stress/anxiety levels are running at a 9, and your mind decides to hit that big red panic button, there’s not a whole lot of room until it gets to a 10 – panic territory. A speech, a social situation or facing something which caused #Trauma in the past. You think the event is the problem, hence you begin to avoid it. But if you take a good hard look at where your general stress levels are running at in life, and you work on dialing it down just a notch or two, you have wiggle room. Sure, your stress will still spike, but not usually to the point where panic attacks reside.

    And Breathe. It’s so simple, but it’s one of the only things we have control over, and it makes a monumental difference. Put simply, we breathe faster when we stress, it’s our bodies natural way of getting more oxygen to our muscles, ready to run. This comes in handy when we’re being chased by a whatever. But when there is no real threat, just our mind wreaking havoc, we can manage panic by controlled breathing.

    Fast forward a few years…

    The auditorium was full of people. It was Father’s Day and I was speaking on a Q&A panel. It was about 3 years since the night I’d experienced that panic attack at the awards night. But… I was exercising regularly. Meditating. Sleeping regular hours. Slowing down. Being kinder to myself. And importantly, I’d been slowly exposing mysel


    How to Break Panic Attacks

    Part 2 of 2 f to public speaking… facing the giant villain in my head. This combination of lifestyle choices and gradual exposure reduced my stress levels down to a 7… 8 tops. Yes, I was packing myself, but I needed to do this. I knew I could do this because I had a game plan. The physiology behind a panic attacks wasn’t so foreign to me and made more sense. I went for a run that morning, and 10 minutes before I went down on stage I breathed.

    In 1, 2, 3, 4. Hold 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. Out 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. I repeated this until I walked down onto the stage.

    I’m not exactly sure what happened that day, but it’s as though everything just flowed seamlessly. I spoke without panic. I joked. I shared what I believed was important about life as a Dad. I was me, and it felt so good to share that. It’s hard to describe the high I was on after the panel… I liken it to the moment I landed on the ground after jumping out of a plane, parachuting for my 40th birthday. I was OK – no regrets.

    What results in a panic attack for you? Common examples may be:

    – Speaking in front of others

    – Medical appointments such as going to the dentist

    – Seeing a particular person

    – A certain sound, smell or sight

    – Being in small spaces

    – Being in crowds

    Panic attacks are terrifying. Period. But panic attacks can be physiologically explained. Likewise, they can be physiologically managed. Don’t judge yourself. Don’t avoid. Gradually expose yourself to that which is freaking you out. Reduce your general life stress down a notch or two. And as trivial as it sounds, remember to breathe. You’ve got this.


    What is this thing called "Hope"? #seekingknowledge

    What is this thing called hope? Yes, this is a serious question. What frame of reference do you use to explain something to someone who has never know or seen hope? We liken the situation to finding a single Waldo in a swarm of people who all look slightly like Waldo. But none ARE Waldo.

    We are, at this point, 47 days into our 2 new Antidepressants, 21 days into our Antipsychotic and no change other than we sleep an added 1 to 2 hours a night. We are grateful for that. Our meds are increased every 2 weeks. I, since none of the other want to attend at this time, do video chat with at least 3 Doctors every week. The all tell me that hope will help us in this wait and see pattern we currently find ourselves stuck within.

    We believe that everything in our universe has a counter balance. Night has Day. These are concrete, provable, repeatable facts available to establish what distinguishes Night from Day. Where "Hope" along with, it's 1st cousins the other emotions and "feeling" are all abstract concepts not grounded by facts.

    What reference points does one use when trying to describe abstract concept of "hope" to one who has never seen or experienced it in their lifetime. How would you describe colours to a person who has never seen them? We have as little insight into what "hope" or any of the "emotions" are, at this point. What is this thing called "Hope" and where do we find it?

    #SexualAbuse #SexualAssault #Childhoodneglect #DomesticAbuse #DID #raynauds #Fibromyalgia #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #RheumatoidArthritis #DegenerativeDiscDisease #Hypertension #Trichiasis #irritableboweldisease #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #AnxietyDisorders #PanicAttacks #Agoraphobia #Insomnia #Rosacea #Claustrophobia #heartmurmur #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Allergies #Dyslexia #OCD #Trichotillomania #cleithrophobia , #IntrusiveThoughts #SuicidalIdeation #haphephobia #EatingDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder #SocialPhobia #Acrophobia #Psychosis #DissociativeDisorder #audiohallucinations #visualhallucinations #intervert #raynauds


    Fixing claustrophobia on my own

    I have realized that it's not a mental or emotional issue or a condition, claustrophobia is actually lack of trust, it is the fear that we might not be heard, it is the loneliness. It's not the fear of dying its the fear of dying without anyone noticing or helping. It feels like what if I cry and cry for help but no body would be there to listen. It's the fear of being alone and not capable, not being independent.
    So if you are claustrophobic please look into it from this view point and you will be amazed at it. May be you ll be able to find a solution for your self. #Claustrophobia #Thanatophobia #CTS #PCOS

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    Two days ago

    THURSDAY prior, anesthesiologist called with questions for Dec 1 procedure,the one the insurance company called about. After I questioned the claustrophobia question, the woman placed me on hold.Three hours later, 4 different staff, of course new due to the holiday, the whole situation was identical to the last MRI that was deliberately dcanceled two hours prior.The surgical neuro department is calling me, angrily telling me they will not communicate or arrange anything.The following day, a woman is calling to tell me to get a covid test.When I question the procedures, she states its mine to find.I know they are to arrange it.Then I called to find out when, went through two people, 1pm.Still was not informed or notified. Then anesthesia called back.This goes on for 4 days.While Im having episodes with my blood pressure and heart.Finally a woman calls to say the director of anesthesia, I say her name, she stops short again, no now its dir if OR is canceling, ok, the dir of OR is taking time to deal with a call of mine,ok can I have a name? No.The order is not valid. You are not a patient, I question, why did he put the order in on the 15, anesthesia knew, imaging knew. She became abrupt, threatening. Do not come here, if you come there will be no procedure.Three,three times she stated this.I do not believe Sara was her real name. It is identically the same situation.If, let's say if, they have the one procedure I need scheduled and I cancel. Case closed.He has done this since he did not order the general anesthesia. He's putting it in to show it was.The two times, they never intended on me or other departments to get involved. After employees tried to cover up a pretty big diagnostic order error. I reported it.Then its happening again. I will be calling back,I called to speak to an attorney. This could have been avoided. Ive been getting no treatment since. Two separate liability questions were asked to me by the hospitalpatientrepresentative. Did I have symtoms after the MRI,YES and did my other doctor before them know.NO. They will not treat now.My new GP will not start until March.I pray we find a new team. Highland Cardio Radiology was awesome. Im ready to pay out of pocket for the mri.Im praying the cardiologist can find the block.Its been four to five days now. If they would have done it back in August,I wouldn't be this bad.These episodes are bigger now, its scary no different than before.

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    Citrus, the Gentleman

    For starters, this is the best pic I have ever taken or ever will take of this young man and it very much fills me with joy.

    I'm a bit nervous about my MRI tonight - not cause of claustrophobia, but because idk if I'll be able to keep my knees still for that long! What can I do to be sure I don't twitch them?

    The results will be given to me Friday (unless they come earlier, but I'm sure they won't), but then I'm also going out of town for a mini family event + to visit my brother for the first time in 6 years. Should be fun :)

    #MRITips #MightyPets


    Back on medication

    I’ve been on SSRIs since my early 20’s. Now I’m 27. I’ve recently tried stopping my SSRI and felt good for a few months. Then, I started to get anxious again and it felt unbearable, so I went back on my medication. It’s been almost a month, and I’m feeling better, but I’m struggling to come to terms with the fact that I need medication.
    I’ve been going to therapy for several years and while I find it to be helpful, I still struggle with social anxiety and claustrophobia.
    Would love to hear how other people have managed medications with anxiety.


    Finding a new Dr with new insurance

    So I recently moved to a new state, with new insurance. I have not seen my old doctors since the pandemic. The reason I have not seen one is on top of my chronic pain, from fibromyalgia, sensory , migraines, seizures, ulnar neuropathy, ibs, gerd etc. I have claustrophobia when I put a mask on due to a near drowning accident when I was a kid. I cannot find a doctor that is willing to see me without a mask. My 3 month supply of my meds are running low. I'm at a loss this has increased my anxiety. Although I'm trusting in the Lord it isn't easy. I would like prayer. Thank you The Rambling Man