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    Even Things Lost Were Once Gifts

    My mind skips around like an old recorder
    Scratches at each jump between
    Times when I think I’ve settled on an answer
    For what might seem a simple question
    If it weren’t loaded

    If I sleep with this keepsake tonight
    Will holding it close to my chest
    End up breaking it apart more later
    Just like our first to last of five months in this home
    Except boxes are, already, packed to leave
    And one of two of us already left completely

    I’m not sure what happpened to the you I got to see one last time
    It was just four or five hours
    But you were “back”,
    You were “alive”
    And you were kind
    And I had missed you so
    But that’s not why the tears streamed down my face
    It was bc I knew the you that you’d replace
    Would be the you that killed who you really were
    And all we could have been
    We wanted so much more
    Than “could have beens”

    I’m sorry I had to make the call
    When just days before, you had kissed my face
    But the Black Eyes returned within only days
    And just like that,
    The man I loved was replaced
    With a punishing parent
    From a patterned past
    Don’t you know there’s a reason
    Only Jesus should attempt to raise the dead

    Black Eyes moved toward
    And swiftly fell upon me
    3 digits and a screen had to intervene
    But they could only save me
    And that night I felt the loss of death
    There was nothing left in your eyes

    May Jesus raise you up like Lazarus
    May the One who is outside the bounds of
    Space and Time and Death
    Reunite us again
    When we are ready

    #BPD #Splitting #codependence #Loss #ComplicatedGrief


    I wanted to share hope with everyone here. As an adult survivor of long term childhood relational trauma #CPTSD there have been many dark days (and nights) in my life. The struggles of #Addiction , suicidal ideation (and two attempts), confusing and unhealthy relationships, #EatingDisorders , #Dissociation , #PTSD , #codependence , fear, shame and guilt have made their mark on and defined my life. It has been a long road but I’ve never given up hope that I could be helped. After years of therapy (and many, many therapists), a dedication to my own help through the internet, books, exploration, YouTube videos, yoga, meditation, 12 step programs and of course therapy I can now see a clear divide between my chaotic and painful childhood, the symptomatic adult and the mostly happy person I’ve become. I have no connection with my biological family but have been blessed with a small group of trusting and loving friends as well as a supportive and loving husband. I’ve been married for 10 years now (a difficult but extremely rewarding experience), sober for 5 years and in touch with who I might really be for about a year now. I know there is so much more to discover about the World and myself, so much more work to help me sleep easy at night, to not be on constant alert, to not be so fearful, to truly attach to self esteem and self worth. I wouldn’t wish this life on my worst enemy but honestly wouldn’t change my experience, it’s one thing that is truly mine. The best lessons I’ve learned along the way is that healing comes in waves. I try to honor myself when I’m sad, scared or depressed and make no excuses for that part of myself. I celebrate the days that I have the motivation to fully function, I work hard when I’m motivated to dig deep and face past pains. I do not compromise on self care, whether that’s a walk in nature, time spent with my dogs, reading, meditation, yoga or just staying in bed all day. I have deep gratitude for the people that support me in my life as well as a deep devotion to their happiness and well being. I have a zero tolerance policy for manipulation, gossip, mean sarcasm or negative judgements (which excludes many, many people from my life) but have found that it leaves the door open for loving, kind, open, devoted, trustworthy people to find their way to me. Too many of us have had our lives stolen through the actions of others and I hope I’m proof that a happy life can still be forged from hope, dedication and self love. Who am I? I still don’t know but as I uncover my past, as I find strength in myself I’m liking the person that is emerging. Much love and lots of support to all that are on a healing journey 💖


    Forgiveness #codependence #boundaries #Trauma

    I was listening to a talk about forgiveness when it made me realized a part of the reason I struggle to forgive: In my family growing up, and in my first marriage, “forgiving” someone meant that we skipped over the part where the other person was accountable, nothing changed, and I would still have to endure conditions where I was disrespected and abused, where I had to tolerate poor behavior, where my boundaries didn’t matter. I had to extend to the wrongdoer privileges that should only be extended to trustworthy people.

    I had to pretend and behave as though the person who wronged me was suddenly trustworthy again without them having done anything to be accountable or restore the broken trust. I had to pretend that our relationship was not in anyway changed or harmed by what they had done. I had to pretend I didn’t having any hurt feelings and that I didn’t need to heal. Imagine doing something to break someones arm or leg, or even just giving them a paper cut. The idea of telling them not to do anything to heal from that (get a cast, get a bandaid) is laughable.

    The deepest lie that trauma tells us, is the most difficult to root out. It is this: “It’s not safe to be me. There’s no changing it. That’s just the way it is.”

    This lie grows into feelings of powerlessness, resentment, anger and other lies that disguise our identities and keep us from truly loving and accepting ourselves; and keep us perpetuating the relationship patterns that act as though those lies are truth.

    So, when I struggle to forgive, what I really am struggling with is the lies. I get angry, “I WANT HEALTHY BOUNDARIES DAMMIT! I AM A HUMAN BEING ON THIS PLANET DESERVING OF RESPECT AS MUCH AS ANYONE ELSE!!!”

    I recently saw in a newsletter by author Danny Silk, that anger is false power. I would add that resentment is a false sense of power as well. I want to stop feeling powerless. The trauma is over, but the feeling of powerlessness often rears its ugly head, and then I have work to do. Work I wasn't planning on. 

    Forgiving and restoring my sense of power are two separate things. And yet, lack of forgiveness can get in the way of restoring a sense of personal power.

    In the talk about forgiveness, it says, "A woman who is abused should not seek revenge, but neither should she feel that she cannot take steps to prevent further abuse. ...Forgiveness does not require us to accept or tolerate evil. It does not require us to ignore the wrong that we see in the world around us or in our own lives. But as we fight against sin, we must not allow hatred or anger to control our thoughts or actions. ...It can be very difficult to forgive someone the harm they've done us, but when we do, we open ourselves up to a better future."

    That’s as far as I’ve gotten. Thanks for reading.