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Black and White thinking

Hello, I have CPTSD(I am diagnosed) and I am struggling with black and white thinking. I struggle because there is this giult around that symptom.

I was listening to John Bradshaw and essentially, I had "lightbulbs" go off when he mentioned that we essentially put ourselves into a transe based in shame, especially with negative thoughts because we have imagined a partner(in my case earlier on in life it was "a idealized family) when enduring trauma to help us cope but that this person isn't realistic essentially and we split because as a child we registered people as "safe and unsafe".

Well, my "idealized image" is different then reality.

I made a family with my husband and our kids suffer from debilitating mental illness, this registers as "unsafe" for me and after years of being the safe person but not feeling safe(it's ongoing) I have been the non abusive safe person, while also not feeling safe myself, and at a given point this image of (an idealized partner), came to mind and splitting would occur, when my husband's defenses were up, *due to his past*, and how unsafe* he then felt*, due to how our kids are at times, how he would then be would register as *unsafe*, to me.

On the forefront I would be the person saying and doing "all the right things", working it out, using the appropriate communication(non violent communication) having the hard talks respectfully.

It would take a LOT to do this because he carries his own traumas and I felt "I was carrying this conversation, the one making it productive", because he's triggered in these instances but because of how I handled it, things would move on well, he would feel safe and then at some point after, I would have black and white thinking.

I know we continously go through trauma in a sense, given how unwell our kids are. I know I suffer with feeling isolated at times, and "like the capable one", because for lack of better words he "carries his past on his back, carries others from it on there", when he gets triggered by these situations, he can also hear things through his own internalized shame, when triggered by how unsafe the kids can make the environment feel.

These are private talks, we have had(no intense "scene" sort of instance)and good boundaries(as far as the kids are concerned).

Yet I find the "splitting" I go through, after, these hard talks, or even moments where I feel *sensative*, from the sheer stress(which also leads to splitting) at times if he registers as unkind(he's a logistican and can register as lacking empathy or mean).

Anyhow, when I go through this splitting there are elements of "a walking trance " as John Bradshaw calls it, that same sensation, of this sort of fixation, and shame based thoughts that present as a sort of *outer critic*, where he is not "this idealized parnter", and it's not something I would *choose to think like*, in good conscience and its hard to *work around or work my way out of*, it feels intense, and it's really quite out of character sort of thinking and I "don't recognize myself in it" and it's hard to work through.

Just wondering if you've experienced anything like this, what helped you. Please be kind. I work so hard to be a safe person/safe partner and these moments torment me, more then "hurt someone or something ".

#CPTSD #Splitting

3 reactions

Are all relationships going to be this way?

I had my assessment tests today which I skipped. I called my person for support but they didn't pick up so i called my friend instead. And when my person finally calls me back and all i remember from that conversation is - 'go give your test or don't bother calling me today', which fired up my flight response. The last time my flight response triggered was when we were starting to become more serious and i broke up with them, saying horrible things to make them hate me. The next traumatic situation was where they put up an either/or situation - 'if you leave now it means we're breaking up'. I don't want to choose between two things anymore. When it was out up again today, i emotionally shut down and send them misleading texts, purposely calling them and being oblivious to what i have done wrong. Is this normal? This cycle of pushing people away and regretting it later? One day everyone will just get tired and leave me, with no chance of being back. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Splitting #FearOfAbandonment

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Are parts and splitting related?

I was describing something to my psychologist about how if I’m feeling relatively calm, depressed (but not horrifically so), and I feel another part coming in that’s more wired, fast thinking, higher nervous energy, I’ll tell that past to stay away and “F off” because I want to stay in my calmer state.

She said it sounds like I have extreme splitting which confused me because I thought splitting was about seeing things/ people in black or white.

Does what she said make sense to anyone?

Thanks, Zel. #Splitting #parts

2 reactions 1 comment

Recognising I split on myself #Splitting

I don’t really tend to split on people. It’s the one symptom I don’t really have much of. Though when I’m very emotional it feels a bit like it I’m at least mentally able to recognise the complexities in relationships.

But I split on myself all the damn time. I’m either in love with the things I do, proud of myself for fighting my way through all the bad, and believe the art I make and things I do have value and meaning that is specific to me and my experiences in the world. Xx

Or everything I do is a terrible I’m worthless I havnt achieved enough, all my art is trite meaningless crap. Ect

Finding a balanced way to view myself feels much harder than finding a balanced way to view others.

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Even Things Lost Were Once Gifts

My mind skips around like an old recorder
Scratches at each jump between
Times when I think I’ve settled on an answer
For what might seem a simple question
If it weren’t loaded

If I sleep with this keepsake tonight
Will holding it close to my chest
End up breaking it apart more later
Just like our first to last of five months in this home
Except boxes are, already, packed to leave
And one of two of us already left completely

I’m not sure what happpened to the you I got to see one last time
It was just four or five hours
But you were “back”,
You were “alive”
And you were kind
And I had missed you so
But that’s not why the tears streamed down my face
It was bc I knew the you that you’d replace
Would be the you that killed who you really were
And all we could have been
We wanted so much more
Than “could have beens”

I’m sorry I had to make the call
When just days before, you had kissed my face
But the Black Eyes returned within only days
And just like that,
The man I loved was replaced
With a punishing parent
From a patterned past
Don’t you know there’s a reason
Only Jesus should attempt to raise the dead

Black Eyes moved toward
And swiftly fell upon me
3 digits and a screen had to intervene
But they could only save me
And that night I felt the loss of death
There was nothing left in your eyes

May Jesus raise you up like Lazarus
May the One who is outside the bounds of
Space and Time and Death
Reunite us again
When we are ready

#BPD #Splitting #codependence #Loss #ComplicatedGrief


I feel like the way I stop my BPD episodes from exploding outside myself onto others might just reinforce some of my negative behaviours.

I don't even know if any of this will make sense.

Like, the only way I can stop my emotions exploding out of myself, and stop myself exploding onto other people is to internalise and push down and force myself to Stop Feeling. Which is what feeds my BPD in the first place, that inability to feel like I have a right to my emotions, that I need to zip it up and Behave and not say a word out of line.

Yes in a split I shouldn't let my emotions explode on others because it'll be disproportionate anger or desperation or anything else.

But it just Feels like all those times as a kid I forced myself to stop feeling and suck it up and keep going like I was perfectly fine. #BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Splitting #copingmechanisms

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Bordering the edges #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Splitting #Shame

What’s so wrong with me? I’m such a weirdo. It reads harsh when written. Yet the echoing words in my head remain. The guilt and sense of shame I feel today has been starting to get to me. The thing is, I am happy. However, nobody ever tells you the first healthy relationship is really hard. Even harder when my brain tricks me into thinking i’m not worthwhile. The heavy and light bordering my existence. Subjecting myself to rattling questions that ultimately tell me my stake. Or lack of. I often wonder what it’s like to not have every feeling emote this darkness within me. I long to be carefree. Honestly taking each new day as it comes. The extremes inside my mind drive me to seek comfort or share love. At their peaks both become unstoppable. Emptiness engulfs my entire being. The type of emptiness throughout my body. Wall staring dissociative numbness or adrenaline pinching energetic lust for life.
I don’t want to remember pain anymore. The pain becomes me. It hurts. It eats me alive. Yet happiness puts me at such unease. This spell I’m under. Never being able to fulfill my uttermost needs that I am safe verses I make myself unsafe and I must be alert. My own head is thy enemy. Unleashing fury.
Does anyone else struggle with their identity like me? I can’t be the only one. I’m almost convinced I’m like this forever. That the harsh treatment really is what I needed to be shown in order to feel feelings more. Is it a prerequisite though? In order for me to qualify in this round I have to bring my suitcase of pain? I want off this merry go round. I never asked to treated like this. I never wanted to be this sensitive human but I’m here; the skies blue too. Okay, End of day thought.
Nobody is doing this to you Kailey, only you. My mind the weapon strikes again

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Number 7 is the one that is the worst for me.

I need the validation that the other person is bad. And I’ve ended friendships because they didn’t take my side - tho note, I end up usually being right about that other person. I’ve been trying but I have one friend that it’s becoming more tense for me as the time goes on because she’s always choosing to be around people I don’t find of value. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Splitting

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#Splitting in romantic relationships… what is your experience? #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

I used to think that I only split because I was in not a great partnership and frankly my ex was a jerk.
Recently, in my current relationship I’ve been splitting. We have an open and transparent relationship… yet I can feel myself splitting. It’s nothing personal, but it’s happening and it’s alarming.
My previous relationship was tumultuous at best. My current relationship healthy and loving. I have been conditioned for negative responses. Especially responses that might make me vulnerable or feel old feels that are unsafe feelings.
The other day I felt helpless. I couldn’t identity the feeling until last night. I tried to recall the conversation and realized I had blocked most of it out, and couldn’t recall for the life of me.
Days earlier feeling nothing but love, compassion and admiration for my partner. The Idolizations and devaluations make me feel embarrassed, less than and stupid. To the world around me… I look insane. Inside, I usually don’t know it happening. I have gotten a lot better at identifying when I split.

The biggest struggle is feelings of shame afterwards. I do not want to think this way… dialectical thinking isn’t my strongest.
I understand why I would split in my past relationship (it served its purpose to protect me) However, it harming me now.
When I become aware of it… I am beyond judgy to my judging evaluations. And frankly, I can’t even recall the conversation to be able to discuss the conversation later with my partner… embarrassment for the way I think and then the way I CAN’T remember. Splitting almost always leads me to teetering disassociation. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Splitting #DialecticalBehaviorTherapy #BPD


Really struggling

Just really need support. This is the first time since Covid started that I'm genuinely terrified I have it. I'm getting a test at 3pm today. I'm doing the best I can to stay calm. I feel like I'm losing my grip on reality. Whether I have it or not, I'm not doing well. I'm really not doing well. I feel isolated and alone. I don't know who to trust. And normally, I'd go visit friends in my time of need. But of course, that's not safe. Not right now. I'm exhausted. And I'm exhausted from worry. I did talk to a friend on the phone this morning. That helped quite a bit. But I feel trapped. Trapped and terrified. Terrified of all the things I can't control. I'm spinning. But I'm breathing. I'm practicing my breathing. I'm resting. My body hurts. So much. I've been in an internal battle my whole life. And I'm exhausted. I'm so tired. And I just want safety. Safety. Safety. Safety. I'm trying. I'm trying to create safety in my life. Externally, I've come a long way. I'm safer than I was. But my inner world is still so upsetting. And I'm discombobulated. Unsure what's true and what's a lie. I need to focus on facts. What I know is true. It's true that I'm an adult... even though I don't feel like one. It's true I have resources now that I didn't have as a child. It's true I've learned a lot and come a long way. But the rage! The rage! It's so strong within me. Rage at the teauma! Rage at my past! Rage at my present. Sigh. Radical acceptance. I know. I must radically accept where I am. I am where I am. This is my best right now. And it's beyond painful. 😭 #Confusion #Fear #terror #Pain #BPD #alone #Splitting #Rage #Trauma