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    Even Things Lost Were Once Gifts

    My mind skips around like an old recorder
    Scratches at each jump between
    Times when I think I’ve settled on an answer
    For what might seem a simple question
    If it weren’t loaded

    If I sleep with this keepsake tonight
    Will holding it close to my chest
    End up breaking it apart more later
    Just like our first to last of five months in this home
    Except boxes are, already, packed to leave
    And one of two of us already left completely

    I’m not sure what happpened to the you I got to see one last time
    It was just four or five hours
    But you were “back”,
    You were “alive”
    And you were kind
    And I had missed you so
    But that’s not why the tears streamed down my face
    It was bc I knew the you that you’d replace
    Would be the you that killed who you really were
    And all we could have been
    We wanted so much more
    Than “could have beens”

    I’m sorry I had to make the call
    When just days before, you had kissed my face
    But the Black Eyes returned within only days
    And just like that,
    The man I loved was replaced
    With a punishing parent
    From a patterned past
    Don’t you know there’s a reason
    Only Jesus should attempt to raise the dead

    Black Eyes moved toward
    And swiftly fell upon me
    3 digits and a screen had to intervene
    But they could only save me
    And that night I felt the loss of death
    There was nothing left in your eyes

    May Jesus raise you up like Lazarus
    May the One who is outside the bounds of
    Space and Time and Death
    Reunite us again
    When we are ready

    #BPD #Splitting #codependence #Loss #ComplicatedGrief


    I feel like the way I stop my BPD episodes from exploding outside myself onto others might just reinforce some of my negative behaviours.

    I don't even know if any of this will make sense.

    Like, the only way I can stop my emotions exploding out of myself, and stop myself exploding onto other people is to internalise and push down and force myself to Stop Feeling. Which is what feeds my BPD in the first place, that inability to feel like I have a right to my emotions, that I need to zip it up and Behave and not say a word out of line.

    Yes in a split I shouldn't let my emotions explode on others because it'll be disproportionate anger or desperation or anything else.

    But it just Feels like all those times as a kid I forced myself to stop feeling and suck it up and keep going like I was perfectly fine. #BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Splitting #copingmechanisms

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    Bordering the edges #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Splitting #Shame

    What’s so wrong with me? I’m such a weirdo. It reads harsh when written. Yet the echoing words in my head remain. The guilt and sense of shame I feel today has been starting to get to me. The thing is, I am happy. However, nobody ever tells you the first healthy relationship is really hard. Even harder when my brain tricks me into thinking i’m not worthwhile. The heavy and light bordering my existence. Subjecting myself to rattling questions that ultimately tell me my stake. Or lack of. I often wonder what it’s like to not have every feeling emote this darkness within me. I long to be carefree. Honestly taking each new day as it comes. The extremes inside my mind drive me to seek comfort or share love. At their peaks both become unstoppable. Emptiness engulfs my entire being. The type of emptiness throughout my body. Wall staring dissociative numbness or adrenaline pinching energetic lust for life.
    I don’t want to remember pain anymore. The pain becomes me. It hurts. It eats me alive. Yet happiness puts me at such unease. This spell I’m under. Never being able to fulfill my uttermost needs that I am safe verses I make myself unsafe and I must be alert. My own head is thy enemy. Unleashing fury.
    Does anyone else struggle with their identity like me? I can’t be the only one. I’m almost convinced I’m like this forever. That the harsh treatment really is what I needed to be shown in order to feel feelings more. Is it a prerequisite though? In order for me to qualify in this round I have to bring my suitcase of pain? I want off this merry go round. I never asked to treated like this. I never wanted to be this sensitive human but I’m here; the skies blue too. Okay, End of day thought.
    Nobody is doing this to you Kailey, only you. My mind the weapon strikes again

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    Number 7 is the one that is the worst for me.

    I need the validation that the other person is bad. And I’ve ended friendships because they didn’t take my side - tho note, I end up usually being right about that other person. I’ve been trying but I have one friend that it’s becoming more tense for me as the time goes on because she’s always choosing to be around people I don’t find of value. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Splitting

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    #Splitting in romantic relationships… what is your experience? #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

    I used to think that I only split because I was in not a great partnership and frankly my ex was a jerk.
    Recently, in my current relationship I’ve been splitting. We have an open and transparent relationship… yet I can feel myself splitting. It’s nothing personal, but it’s happening and it’s alarming.
    My previous relationship was tumultuous at best. My current relationship healthy and loving. I have been conditioned for negative responses. Especially responses that might make me vulnerable or feel old feels that are unsafe feelings.
    The other day I felt helpless. I couldn’t identity the feeling until last night. I tried to recall the conversation and realized I had blocked most of it out, and couldn’t recall for the life of me.
    Days earlier feeling nothing but love, compassion and admiration for my partner. The Idolizations and devaluations make me feel embarrassed, less than and stupid. To the world around me… I look insane. Inside, I usually don’t know it happening. I have gotten a lot better at identifying when I split.

    The biggest struggle is feelings of shame afterwards. I do not want to think this way… dialectical thinking isn’t my strongest.
    I understand why I would split in my past relationship (it served its purpose to protect me) However, it harming me now.
    When I become aware of it… I am beyond judgy to my judging evaluations. And frankly, I can’t even recall the conversation to be able to discuss the conversation later with my partner… embarrassment for the way I think and then the way I CAN’T remember. Splitting almost always leads me to teetering disassociation. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Splitting #DialecticalBehaviorTherapy #BPD


    Really struggling

    Just really need support. This is the first time since Covid started that I'm genuinely terrified I have it. I'm getting a test at 3pm today. I'm doing the best I can to stay calm. I feel like I'm losing my grip on reality. Whether I have it or not, I'm not doing well. I'm really not doing well. I feel isolated and alone. I don't know who to trust. And normally, I'd go visit friends in my time of need. But of course, that's not safe. Not right now. I'm exhausted. And I'm exhausted from worry. I did talk to a friend on the phone this morning. That helped quite a bit. But I feel trapped. Trapped and terrified. Terrified of all the things I can't control. I'm spinning. But I'm breathing. I'm practicing my breathing. I'm resting. My body hurts. So much. I've been in an internal battle my whole life. And I'm exhausted. I'm so tired. And I just want safety. Safety. Safety. Safety. I'm trying. I'm trying to create safety in my life. Externally, I've come a long way. I'm safer than I was. But my inner world is still so upsetting. And I'm discombobulated. Unsure what's true and what's a lie. I need to focus on facts. What I know is true. It's true that I'm an adult... even though I don't feel like one. It's true I have resources now that I didn't have as a child. It's true I've learned a lot and come a long way. But the rage! The rage! It's so strong within me. Rage at the teauma! Rage at my past! Rage at my present. Sigh. Radical acceptance. I know. I must radically accept where I am. I am where I am. This is my best right now. And it's beyond painful. 😭 #Confusion #Fear #terror #Pain #BPD #alone #Splitting #Rage #Trauma

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    This is enough to send me right over the #Splitting edge.....! I never thought of myself as a “rage” person or an angry person with a temper in the classical sense. But since learning more about #BPD + becoming a bit more #selfaware about it, (it’s very hard to admit) but I think I do in the sense that I’m quick to “snap” with my “high emotions”, becoming a tyrant! Since learning this of myself I’m a bit embarrassed that I’ve acted so childish + immature previously. I still have the tendency but I’d like to think I have more of handle on it now... or so I hope. That’s the plan anyways....! Le sigh 🤷🏻‍♀️


    Hi, I’ve never posted before, but I’ve been on here for a couple years..finally have something to share that I just can’t get out of my head. I made a new work “friend” who is also a friend of one of my very close friends. My friend basically pushed us together because he has a crush on her and wanted me to get close to her or whatever. And I didn’t like her at first. Then, we started talking a bunch and she would talk to me all the time about her baby daddy and I helped her through breaking up and moving out with him. We have a lot in common and I could feel myself doing what I always do and getting too attached. Imagining us doing all these cool best friend things together and having someone to text 24/7 about anything on our minds. Then last week she asks me if I want to go to a town a few hours away and get tattoos/go shopping etc. and I said I would love to..it would be our first time really hanging out not at work and I was so excited talking to my fiancé about it all the way home. Then Saturday comes and I get nothing..go on Snapchat and see that she is in the city with another girl doing all that. Comes to work Monday showing me her tattoos. And I could just feel myself breaking away from her at that second. I hate her. I’ve been avoiding her so much at work this week that she barely says hi to me anymore. So I’ve successfully pushed her away...I can’t stop thinking about this. I just keep thinking about the bad things about her and trying to sever the ties so I’m not too hurt but I think I’m too late..just hiring and feeling like I’m being way too irrational as always. Let me know if you relate. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #FearOfAbandonment #MentalIllness #Splitting

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    When I split on my FP, my very soul is betrayed and aches.....

    To be borderline means for me.....

    To love and idolize someone so completely, usually a girlfriend. To want us to be one and the same. To not know any differences. To just completely understand each other on an emotional and empathic level. This connection with another woman is something I have yearned for and searched for since my tender childhood.

    But then, being borderline means to me to be inevitably hurt by some small action or word or minor offence and to struggle with a complete devaluation of the other person. Suddenly, their differences to me shatter my vision of them and us and what we are. I can’t reconcile the two versions of them before me.

    Often, my feelings of love quickly and emotionally violently change to hate. And I hate them. So much. I want to push them away in disgust, disappointment, and intense betrayal. How could they not be like me in the end? How could they have tricked me into thinking that we were the one and the same? That they were The One, The Mirror to Me and My Soul?

    When I inevitably come to the heart breaking realization that we are different, I feel so betrayed. And alone. Again. Alone with myself. And I become SO angry at that other person. I hate them. I seethe with anger. At them and at myself. I hate myself in these moments as much as I hate them.

    I don’t know what to do with these intense, near crippling feelings. So I rage and I sob and I bawl. I self medicate. I self harm. I withdraw into myself and shut down. I self isolate. I cut the cord with my former best friends, my former Soul Mates. And I resign myself to being alone with my anger, bitterness and betrayal.



    Rejection and loneliness

    So I've been going through a rough time lately with anxiety and feeling that people just don't give a shit about me. One night when I was having a panic attack I messaged several of my friends frantically, only to get no response, even though I could see that my messages had been read. So I deleted Facebook entirely and even blocked these "friends" on my phone, even though I doubt they would try to call anyway.

    My boyfriend then got upset with me for deleting my Facebook and we got into an argument and I haven't heard from him since Wednesday. At this point I'm thinking it's probably over. I expect people to leave anyway, but my utter loneliness is bothering me. I have no one to understand or support me, although my boyfriend does neither. And I've now pushed almost everyone away.

    I'm just needing to vent right now here, as I have no support from anyone right now. #Rejection #Loneliness #Anxiety #Splitting