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A meditation on medication
I love my psych meds. They’re like a best friend I can count on to get me through this crazy life. I would be lost without them. I wish everyone could find meds that are effective.
But…that doesn’t make me totally content. Why was I born with a malfunctioning brain in the first place? And what if they stop working? Or become unavailable? Dependency isn’t pretty.
Then there’s the stigma. It comes from without- people questioning why you don’t do something “natural” instead. But there can also be an inner conflict: the fear of losing one’s self, even when existence is miserable.
Unmedicated, I was a trip. Charismatic. Active to an extreme. People were drawn to me, but they didn’t live with me. If they did, they would see a screaming, impatient, obsessive, exhausted and exhausting mess.
But I was reluctant to take psych meds. Why? Because I took pride in holding it together on my own, even when I was falling apart. And I was wary of side effects and a changed brain.
When I finally started taking meds, it did change me. I was still creative, but my imagination didn’t run wild. I was expressive, but I no longer talked over people or interrupted them. I took joy in decorating my house, but I didn’t paint the living room four different colors in the course of a week. I relished my morning coffee instead of a glass of wine.
People often say that taking psych meds is no different in terms of legitimacy than taking insulin for diabetes. While this is completely valid, it glosses over some of the nuances of the issue. Symptoms can be bothersome, but may also be viewed as a component of one’s identity. It’s vital to develop trust that, even though psych meds involve the mind, they will never erase the self.
Psych meds actually make me feel closer to my authentic self. My life used to be like the trope of the dog walker who is pulled along by the dog, losing all control of the situation. Maybe the dog went in some interesting directions, but disaster was never far off. Now, I walk the dog; the dog doesn’t walk me. I am sane. I’m at peace.
So…don’t be afraid to at least try psych meds. You don’t need to worry about losing yourself. You may even find yourself!
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