A team leader reached out and asked that I post to the group. I have suffered from #Depression for about 25 years after a traumatic event triggered me. I had been stable on meds for some time but suffered from #DVT and bilateral #pe with #ekos insertion 21 months ago. It saved my life and was the beginning of my new battle with #Depression and #Anxiety . Little did I know that the meds that I was on would slowly stop working with this life altering event, causing me to spiral into #si , #MDD and other unknown depths of mental illness.
December 2020 my PCP added a sleeping med with anxiety benefits to the regiment and it gave relief for a couple weeks, until it didn't. January 2021, I admitted myself to the hospital for #si . After a change in meds, many tweaks, 5 days in-patient and a plan, I went home. I realized while in the hospital that I was married to someone with #narcissistic tendencies. I had mentioned divorce before Christmas "blindsiding" him, yet he had brought it up months earlier. He didn't call to see how I was doing, but made sure to tell me I was being difficult when I called home.
An allergic reaction, a med change and today, another medication change on the way, I feel broken down, exhausted and like I am failing. I have a daughter with high functioning anxiety, a son with #MDD in counseling, more bills than I know what to do with and have only been released to go back to work 2 hours per day for 4 weeks. The doctor would prefer I stop working again but the savings have been depleted, the stimulus is gone and the credit card debt is climbing with the medical debt.
In 21 years together, my husband has not worried about a single financial decision. Anytime I try to discuss, I am ridiculed and verbally attacked. We have not communicated with one another since before Christmas. We tried for a few days after my discharge and he made promises but as soon as I did 1 thing he promised me that he would do, he fell back into the old patterns. Marriage counseling is scheduled to begin the end of July. I don't want to save the marriage. I only want to communicate without resentment at this point.
My kids are suffering. I'm suffering and I know he is too. We aren't happy together, why is everyone so against us trying to be happy apart? I'm sure we will have to file bankruptcy at this point. He is going to be so mad at me, but is it all my fault? I'm struggling to stay alive each day, if it wasn't for these kids, I know I wouldn't be here.
I had a great day Tuesday, then Wednesday hit, and although my husband was off work, I made the day work for me. He is one of my triggers. I walked away from him without letting him bait me. Wednesday night I started with an elevated heart rate and woke up with the same during the night and again Thursday morning. I called my doctor who sent me to the emergency room. Having a previous life threatening experience with #DVT and bilateral #pe , I was a bit concerned when the chest pain and shortness of breath started. I was told all tests were normal, D-dimer, heart enzymes, cbc, ekg, etcetera but...on Friday when I received the official results, the cardiologist stated the ekg was abnormal! My doctor scheduled me for a follow up Monday morning. Forward to Sunday and it was odd that my sister and her husband weren't in church. After church, I got the text. #Stroke . My BIL had a stroke on the way to church. He is also my boss and sole owner of the business I work for. The estate for the other owner has not settled yet from 16 months ago. I am still devastated and broken from his loss as he was like a father to me after losing my own. I am still not back to work from my #si , #MDD , #Anxiety not to mention concurrent #ToxicMarriage , #Migraine , #Hypothyroid , #Hypertension , #PTSD , #DiabetesType2 . Is there ever going to be an end to the steps backward?
Why is it that I can have 1 day where everything feels like all is right with the world and 40 that make me cry? This emotional #rollercoaster is getting old. The #negativity living in my head is so #confusing to myself, how can I expect anyone around me to get it? I really miss me. I miss laughing, I miss smiling, I miss work, I miss being the mom my kids could rely on...yet I can't be there for more than 1 day in 40 right now and then those 40 days, I wonder if I deserved the 1 good day? What did I do differently that day? #massivedepressivedisorder #Anxiety #PTSD #DVT #BilateralPE #DMT2 #Hypothyroid