Hello. I am slowly preparing for #Eastersunday . It has been an interesting two weeks. Last week I felt like I was borderline mental-health-hospital for suicidal tendencies. This week I am perfectly fine. I guess that's what happens when you have #BipolarDisorder . I have experienced a LOT of indecisiveness this week, and I also recall some other symptoms over my life.
There were times where I had an idea to do something (even as a child, such as joining girl scouts) which I later would change my mind. I also experienced things where I wanted to go out and do something with family or friends, but something stopped me from doing it. I realized, that is what #Anxiety is. You would think that by now at 35 years old, I would not be like that little girl who goes to her best friends house, then cries because I am not home, and have to have my mom come get me. But, not much has changed.
Today I have plans. But will I follow through? Can I continue to push myself to follow through? Will it be sucessful? I am unsure. I am planning on going to my Dad's house to drop off some of his things that I collected in a panic when I thought that his estranged wife was coming down. I do not trust her. I literally collected photos from the wall, and some family heirlooms. I made up an excuse when I mentioned it to my Dad that I did not want to risk losing these items to a fire, even though he's been gone for 9 months in the hospital and physical rehabilitation center. (Yeah, he has had a LOT of setbacks... but that's another story).
That Panic feeling though? That's #PanicDisorder that caused a #PanicAttack where I could not breathe. I was hyperventilating, crying in my closet last week. I could not stand to be around light. I wanted a cool and dark place to hide and that was the bedroom closet floor. This is what I mean when I say that this week is so different from last week. I cannot believe it, but its so true. So I might as well start believing it.
I had felt #sad about my sister-in-law being down on vacation with the nephews this week. Why would I be sad abbout that? Well, its because I had only wished that I could have kids to take on a vacation, let alone even have kids or even have the ability to take a vacation. I live in Central Florida, its a vacation capital! Where would I really want to go? The beach? Humm... Well - she came down here and unfortunately, I was not able to join for many activities. Tuesday's beach day was ruined, because the night before, no one could make up their mind on a time to go to the beach. My brother-in-law and his wife, and then his sister who's my sister in law and the nephews were all going to the beach. My husband and I wound up staying home because by the time that they made up their mind on a beach, everyone was already heading out, and we were still in our pajamas. We were the last ones to know. It was awful. Ugh. anyway. Pray for me, OK?