I need to reassess things that are happened in the last 18 months.
Before the pandemic started, I was fighting with a form of depression caused by bad memories (maybe one day I’ll write down them too…who knows..).
My best friends nearly convinced me to seek for therapy, but then pandemic broke out and I didn’t have possibilities anymore.
So, I was suffering very bad.
I was really hurt and it seemed like it was all collapsing around me.
My best friend and I both used to work in emergency field (two kinds of different professionals but we both work in EMS).
He told me that if I wouldn’t seek out for help in time, I would face depression, anxiety and burn-out but I’m a bit too proud to ask for any kind of help.
(Sorry for the bad English expressions, it’s not my native language).
So, in those months, I thought my life had no sense.
Then pandemic broke out and all things went worse.
From February to Semptember there’s nothing relevant to say.
Last September, anyway, a call changed my life. Now my life is divided between “before that call” and “after that call”.
Now I don’t know if I’m suffering from PTSD, trauma or whatever this is it but that night my life and my emotions changed.
During this call, we had to resuscitate a man hit by a heart attack.
That man reminded me of my dad, dead from that cause.
So, I went into this house and I found someone performing CPR.
I started to perform CPR and I went on for about 45 minutes.
Eventually, that man died.
It felt like everyone fell down around me.
I had an emotional breakdown after he was pronounced death in the ER.
I talked with one of my colleagues about the fact that that man reminded me of my father, I started crying and I wanted to hide under 7 meters of ground.
That colleague was the only person who I expressed my feeling that night.
That colleague was a person that I profoundly admired and that called one of my friends in the midtime to make himself sure that I was ok.
I found it a nice try.
But, a few days later that colleague started physical approaches with me and I didn’t want them.
I started telling him that I wasn’t comfortable, but he began to touch me when I wasn’t able to move or react because of patients or tough calls.
It became a nightmare.
I talked about this with my best friends and he decided to walk out of my life because he just didn’t want to be in the middle of this.
Another friend told me to stay quiet and not telling anybody about this because nobody had to know.
Just to stay still and strong and not telling anybody.
I remained alone struggling with bad thoughts.
To catch something good from the night when that man died, I started a relationship with another colleague that was with me that night.
That relationship ended because he tried me to force to have sex with him….I tried to restart the relationship and it ended because he slapped me.
On subsequent months, I argued with many colleagues because of pandemic.