forgetting

Do you know the feeling when after conversations you dont remember what was said exactly? I often feel like my mind just goes blank and I’m in survival mode „just get through this“. I know that I am continuing the conversation as normal but all I remember later are my body reactions (usually flight or freeze). I forget WHAT was said.
This happened with a physician recently. She REALLY saw me in my struggle and my pain. she will help me and hold my back. But I can only remember some parts of the conversation because she addressed sensitive topics. This can happen with any kind of authority person.
I feel so ashamed and bad and not in control of the basics. I’m glad to be in therapy already.

I find that I change with every new thing that happens to me. Today, I cut/shaved my hair- feel like a different person. I have a new interest- I change and become absorbed into the interest. I like a new song- I became that. I often forget what or who I was before my new findings, this also includes people. #MentalHealth #Depression #shifting #personality #forgetting #change #Notmyself #Identity #identitydisturbance

I forgot where I had parked and it took me a few minutes to find my vehicle. I get home and my mom makes fun of me for it. If only she understood what it felt like to have a foggy brain. #CrohnsDisease #BrainFog #forgetting

Sometimes it stays,
for days,
for months,
for years.
Sometimes,
no matter how hard you try
it doesn’t leave.

You shake your head back and forth,
smash it against the wall
until your tears
have nowhere left to go.
You lie,
staring into space,
willing your mind to end this misery,
to kill this memory.

It clings,
and screams,
and kicks when you try
to cut it out.
It fights and fights until
you can’t be bothered
to fight it anymore.
Finally,
it leaves.
Slowly at first,
then all at once.

It starts
with the little things.
Silly details
that once
meant everything to you,
gone.
Maybe it was the exact time:
10:53pm, suddenly remembered
only as late at night.

Then surprisingly
it’s the way it made you feel
not physically, but emotionally,
that escapes the grasp of your mind.
Thoughts that once constantly
raced through your head
disappeared.

When all that’s left
are physical sensations
they pack their bags as well.
The musty smell of the dust-soaked curtains,
the expired yellow slathered on the walls,
the way their touch
sent little tickles of pleasure
down your spine,
the taste in your mouth,
metallic, nauseating.

The physical sensations
are never hardest to hold onto.
They are the hardest to forget,
but once they are gone,
it’s over.
The black hole spreads,
consuming your mind,
pulling more memories with it
and they retreat
to a sea
of fractured lives,
shattered minds,
and pieces that were once people.

#Memory #forgetting #Trauma #PTSD