Gender Dysphoria

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depression and gender dysphoria

do you guys feel like when you had your identity crisis as a teen that ended up being your queer awakening, it triggered depression and was traumatic bc you didn't know who you are but you desperately wanted to know so you begged until you were crying and thought there was something wrong with you and you are also angry with yourself for not knowing who/what you are and when your depression gets worse, so does your dysphoria and intrusive thoughts are about your gender and body.

hope you can relate plz comment if/how u relate to it

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Me, Her, and Mental Illness

Part 1 of 2:

I’ll give you some vital stats first: Tom, AMAB, bigender, bisexual, 49 years old, white person from England, lived in Canada since 1980. I’m 6’1” tall. I collect comics. Diagnosed with BPD, ADHD, Spinal Stenosis, and severe Osteoarthritis.

I often try to figure out the verifiable, actual things I can say about myself. At the moment, what you have just read above is about all I can come up with. So let’s talk about “her.”

By “her,” I am not referring to my ex-partner, who suffered so much from the difficulties of my lack of, and mis-, diagnosis, my over- and under-medication, and my not knowing what the heck was going on in my head and soul. No. By “her,” I mean Tommy. Tommy is the woman that, if I’m as honest with myself as I can be, has existed in my psyche for my entire life. So I want to talk about her, the me that is her rather than the me that is him, and how my struggle with this aspect of my life has impacted, and been impacted by, my mental health challenges.

First, a little bit about being Bigender. As with any identity, how it feels for me is going to be different from everyone else. As you read on, you’ll see that I refer to Tom and Tommy in the third person, almost as if I’m talking about a separate individual. I want to disabuse us of that idea. I often describe my experience of being bigender in a similar way to the Indigenous Two-Spirit identity. For me, there are two different expressions of the self – one masculine and one feminine. They mix more often than not, but they still feel like two different versions of me. But not two different people. I’m still me regardless.

She smiles when I see her in the mirror, a genuine smile that I haven’t seen on my masculine face for a very long time. I think she is, I am, simply so happy to finally be able to be. I remember, over the last 4 or 5 bad years, moments where I could hear her shouting at me to stop, to embrace her, to open my life to the possibilities she presented. I know now that this was what we pathologize as “gender dysphoria.” Different from body dysphoria, where an individual feels like they are in the wrong body, my dysphoria had to do with being forced into one particular gender identity based solely on the body I was born into. I don’t blame anyone for this. Had I embraced this aspect of me while growing up, told there’s an excellent chance I wouldn’t be here to be writing these words. Being queer in the 80s and 90s was not a safe prospect. I hate thinking it, but I know I only survived those decades because I was closeted. The only time I’ve been thankful for that.

Tommy got a chance to shine, a chance to breathe the air, in February 2023. I had accidentally gone off my anti-depressants (which my psychiatrist doesn’t think I need to be on anyway, but we’re not going to mess with it while I’m in a delicate place), and finally found the voice and the courage to tell my partner that I was bigender, that sometimes I was a woman and it was killing me not being able to express that.

I want to reiterate: I’m nearly 50 years old. I look back over my life, my 30-year relationship, my time in high school, and I can see her. Not clearly, but I can see her, waving, calling, discovering herself even as Tom, who was just trying to keep me safe, was shutting her away. I wrestle now with being ashamed of myself, feeling disappointed with myself, for not coming out sooner. And I struggle, so, so much, with how my denying this aspect of myself fundamentally exacerbated my mental health challenges, which was a contributing factor to the dissolution of my partnership. My spouse was nothing but supportive, and quite excited, when I came out to her. But by that point my difficult behaviors had done too much damage and things fell apart pretty soon afterwards. It breaks me to think of this. I had so looked forward to being her girlfriend.

I think we’re all pretty aware of the fact that where there’s one mental health challenge, there will be more, perhaps a lot more. But this doesn’t just include diagnosed, or pathologized, challenges. What about challenges that we were never prepared for in our lives? I am so grateful to see the open conversations that happen now about mental health difficulties and about gender identity, and about the struggles that come from the combination of the two. That young people have the knowledge that if they hear what appears to be a voice talking to them in their souls that doesn’t conform to the identity they’ve had thrust upon them, it’s okay to explore other ones, without fear of persecution.

Continued...

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #ADHD #LGBTQ #GenderDysphoria

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Me, Her, and Mental Illness

Part 2 of 2:

(Okay, yes, the persecution really hasn’t gone anywhere. But I think people are getting better at speaking back to it these days.)

I can see now that my inability to accept, or recognize, my gender dysphoria led me down the path I’m on now. That dissonance in my brain exacerbated the personality disorders to the point that I really didn’t know who I was anymore. And as a result, I lost my job, lost my family, and lost my home. My dysphoria isn’t a medical condition – it’s a social one, one brought on by the lack of space for queer people in a troublingly heteronormative world. Yet these kinds of difficulties can also severely impact not only the stability of one’s mental health, but also the prevalence of other, more damaging, behaviors.

But, and there’s always a but, from crisis, as often happens, can come triumph. Now, when I’m having a bad day, even putting on a skirt and a little bit of make-up lifts my soul. I love my masculine side, but he’s had a really rough go of it for the last few years, and I feel like that aspect of my personality needs a break, needs to heal and rest. He’ll be back one day.

But for now, Tommy reigns. I am addicted to wearing yoga pants – they’re so damn comfortable. Had I known this, I probably would have transitioned years ago. I love a flowy, light dress. I love wearing short shorts – I have got killer legs, and I don’t mind showing them off! Yet more than just this, there is the feeling of peace in my heart, now that I have accepted this beautiful and courageous part of myself. A feeling of peace that is new and unfamiliar, that I have, unknowingly, denied my entire life. I have not been angry or raged in months, and I’m beginning to understand how much of that was rooted in my inability to accept myself. Yes, the undiagnosed BPD, the mis-managed ADHD, played huge roles in the unravelling of my life. How could they not? But this realization, this revelation of my self to myself has helped immeasurably.

Just because a person is queer doesn’t mean they’re necessarily dealing with mental health issues, just like anyone else. But because of the way queerness has been represented to us for so long, there’s a lot of repression, self-hate, and self-doubt associated with queer people. The good news, I think, is that we’re moving closer and closer to a world where those problems, those struggles, will cease to be struggles, will cease their influence on the disorders with which we wrestle. And when that happens, I hope we’ll be able to address the serious problems of a disorder without the added burden of not being able to accept a perfectly acceptable part of our selves.

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #ADHD #LGBTQ #GenderDysphoria

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I had plans today 😡😡| TW some all caps text and swears, mention of family, dysphoria

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I had plans today and it just HAD to be ruined! Did the construction workers HAD to come in today?! Now I can’t come out of my fucking room without fearing of being misgendered and trying to avoid them. I have severe social dysphoria. I’m non-binary, not a girl.. 😢

Not only that, but I’m TRYING to record something before my sister’s kids are home for summer break next week (which is a pain in the ass because of overstimulation), and I don’t have much time left before they do!

Please tell me they’ll leave soon…

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #GenderDysphoria #nonbinary #LGBTQIA #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #why #justwhy

10 reactions 5 comments
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I'm new here!

Hi, my name is Magickim7. I'm worried about
My daughter who may have BPD. I need to find a therapist for her and didactic therapy as well as the other. She has body or gender dysphoria as well and I’m worried this is bc of the BPD. She was a happy as a child, and then came puberty. It is like she doesn’t fit in. Doesn’t want to talk to people. she.is brilliant and does not take kudos for her accomplishments. She was diagnosed with depression and anxiety 2years ago and we don’t see that therapist any longer. That therapist said you don’t want to have BPD. Like she didn’t want to deal with the therapy. She sent us to Children’s Hospital to gender clinic because of the gender disphoria. 2 years later I’m dealing with a kid who thinks she wants to become a boy. I was never in the therapy meeting with her. I feel like they took my child away and now she will be 18 in a matter of months. Shouldn’t we treat mental illness before we let our children get a sex change. I don’t know if this is really who she will become, “A man”, but I want her to get the mental help she needs to feel like she is a functioning human being that can make real life decisions before she makes a life altering decision like this one.I only hope it is not too late to get her help. I feel that I was not getting her the therapy she needs. The clinic is all affirming. She also has a Amplified Pain Syndrome, under the regional pain umbrella. It is exactly what it sounds like, a person feels pain more intensely for some reason or for no reason at all. So why would you want to put a person like that through surgery? She is not dealing with her mental health, but thinks she can have top surgery and start Testosterone all next month and healed in a months time. She could be feeling the affects for a long time. I know some people out there will be against everything I’ve just said. I just don’t want her to regret making such a big decision. She does not have all the facts. That fact that she thinks everything is reversible is wrong.

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The risk of being overstimulated inside vs the risk of being misgendered as a binary gender (most often female) outside | TW swearing, some all caps

Also TW For misgendering and breakdowns
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This is why life is so goddamn hard when the kids are home. Why? Just fucking why? Children high-pitch noises upset me (I live with my sister and her 2 kids) but I despise being misgendered as a girl. I’m non-binary, damn it! It’s like no matter how OBVIOUS I try to make it, they still mistake me as a lady. 😡 As someone with severe social dysphoria, it doesn’t help. At all. It leads to breakdowns 100% of the time now.

Thanks, America /sarc /neg /nbh

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #why #nonbinary #imnonbinary #GenderDysphoria #Life #Family #venting #TriggerWarnings

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Dear society, just because someone looks overweight doesn’t mean they instantly have health problems | it’s hard being healthy… I have a lot going on

TW Mentions of fat-shaming, swearing, bugs, some all caps, misgendering, exclusionism #venting
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Seriously, why does this damn society seem to think that just because you look overweight instantly leads to believing they have health problems or the only ones capable of health problems? You can look skinny, or average, or look really healthy (even have a bunch of muscles!) and can - still - have health problems regarding weight or how you eat.

Now I’m remembering someone in 2018 who just came up to me and was very kind and told me their way of how they lost weight. I was just sitting there, minding my own business. I thought that they were being very nice and just giving advice, and now I feel like a fucking fool because it was JUST BECAUSE I LOOKED OVERWEIGHT!

Today, it honestly doesn’t help that when I’m told how I should eat or exercise, I get imposter syndrome all over again. I’m an adult. I already suffer from anxiety and despise this ridiculous judgemental ignorant world. I know I’m overweight. When I’ve had enough of life, I have the urge for comfort food. I know what I’m eating isn’t really that healthy, I admit that, and I’ve always TOLD myself that I should eat healthy, not to look skinnier, but to at least be healthier, and had even made plans to cut out some thing I should eat.…it’s hard. I have a lot of shit going on right now. Does society even understand that?!

I’m already stressed that the weather is already getting warmer here than I like, which means more bugs (flies, gnats) and possibly fleas again, so I’m trying to plan the best way to make this problem not so irritating including doing things that my sister continuously says that I shouldn’t do which also fucking irritates me to max (tying the garbage bags… it keeps the gnats away and I even SAID that I’ll buy more bags for us). Last summer was horrible and I do NOT want it to come. Spring is also about to betray me as well.

I am non-binary and have severe social gender dysphoria and hate being misgendered as a fucking “she”, which means I mostly stay inside all the time because of how painful it is.

I suffer from trust issues because of how much the world is a piece of garbage. “Cringe” this, “snowfl*king” that, “faking” this, seriously. Why.

My sister’s kids are on spring break and their loud footsteps irritate my autism whether or not I like to admit that.. trying to not to seem like I hate them (which I don’t, I love them!!). And all I’m trying to do is to get myself CALM.

Those are just four things. There are many more I can list. So even trying to be healthy is a struggle either because of poor mental health or that I’ve given up at that moment. I want to live… but it’s to eat healthy or exercise because of all of this crap. Does society even understand that?!

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #Fatshaming #fat #Overweight #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #ImposterSyndrome #DearSociety #nonbinary #EatingDisorders #EatingIssues #eating #EatingHealthyIsNotEasy #MentalHealth #LGBTQIA #BeingHealthyIsNotEasy #sad #BodyShaming #BodyImage

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A little update

So I haven't been able to check in lately but I hit another bump in the road. While I was trying to go to the movies with a friend, someone came over and just started hitting me. I won't repeat what they said because it was horrible. I've been in the hospital recovering, just had to get a new phone, it was broken when I tried to call the police. I hope everyone has been doing well and I hope to be up later to check in with everyone. #Depression #GenderDysphoria #Anxiety

279 reactions 88 comments
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Something new

Every day Every moment out Every single time I hear the whispers I hear the giggles I hear the anger
I see the glances I see the stares I see the peering eyes I feel the mocking I feel the confusion I feel the rage
When will we be free to be ourselves? When will we feel safe in our own neighborhoods? When we will be able to be happy?
Freak weirdo idiot pervert those are the words used as tools to put us down
Dismissing us simply because they don't understand us
Our world is so full of anger, rage and confusion that all we do is attack others we don't understand just because that's the "norm"
When will we all find peace and acceptance #GenderDysphoria #Depression #Anxiety #MentalIllness

59 reactions 15 comments