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chris' Series Part 12 - The final chapter

So i ended the last episode on how do i cope, which means asking a load of questions to myself. Do a self route cause analysis. i'm a Business Analyst, so let's use these tools on myself. Ask the questions:
How do i - Why, why, why, why, why
Who am i - Why, why, why, why, why
What am i - Why, why, why, why, why
Where do i - Why, why, why, why, why
When do i - Why, why, why, why, why
Why do i i - Why, why, why, why, why

That is a load of questions with loads of answer, and answers needing more questions giving more answers - Things just started making more rational & logical sense. i become less emotional as that would lead to irrational thoughts which are normally dangerous for my life

With a list of diagnoses like this

& a history of

Having done my own deep evaluation which lead me down many dark paths, all i could do is tell myself to look for the light. Like looking for a single star on a clear & dark evening - Just look for the light. So that becime the crown for my left 1/2 sleeve tattoo, keep looking for that light, no matter how you see your life now. Whether it is though deaths eyes or the devastating after effects of that nuke which exploded. Look deeper there is that fighter - the breaker of chains. you have done it before, you can do it again, the reflection in the mirror doesn't always have to be from a broken mirror - look for a different mirror

In my lowest of moments, i know i need to TRY keep myself rational & evaporate my emotions. So i do this exercise - it buys me time to find that light & snap out of my mental relapse:
STOP - Stop what ever i'm doing.
THINK - Think about what you are doing. Ask the Who, What, Where, When, How & Why you are doing or getting ready to do.
BREATHE - Breathe, deeply & slowly. Try to center, ground, calm, even relax while in a panic state. Switch between Thinking & Breathing as much as you need.
REACT - Now you are better equipped to make a decision in a rational manner looking for that light.

i still have what would make most people think i'm nuts. i have a date in my calendar where i will die from one of my mental illnesses - Everything is ready, stocked & good to go as i type this. However all i need to do is fight my @$$ of for 1 day a year and not 365 & a quarter days a year. Keep myself busy, i take the day off from work. i go to places in the beauty of nature. Honestly the day is the easier part, it get hard once that sunsets & its the long Winter nights but i will put in my earphones, play some awesome & uplifting music, lying in a warm sleeping bag on the lawn & look up at the evening skies ... Looking for all the lights, satellites & meteors. i will meditate to ground & center myself after taking my evening sleeping tablets, then wake up in bed the next day & so the cycle continues

Keep looking for the light & keep safe out there ... ✌🏼❤

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how else to deal with crisis? #CheckInWithMe #PanicAttack #Anxiety

I had a massive panic attack as I was driving home last night. brought on by intrusive thoughts. either side of the road are large ditches filled with water about 15 feet down my thoughts were just to drive straight into them.
I gripped the steering wheel tight held on for all my life as the panic attack grew and just tried to look at the centre of the country road.
what else can i do? apart from phone a friend when i get home.
this passed week has been sheer hell with these attacks. I need some advice fellow Mightys. #AnxietyAttack #PanicAttack #IntrusiveThoughts #suicidalidealation #TrigeminalNeuralgia #PsoriaticArthritis #SphincterOfOddiDysfunction #HSP #TherapyDog #ChronicIllness #RareDiseases #ChronicPain #Bursitis #DistractMe #CheckInWithMe


suicidal ideation coming in cluth

I still cant afford my car, rent, or even groceries.

And then my brother just got home and immediately started yelling at me to do the dishes *that aren't mine* take out the trash in the freezer *that isnt mine*.

All I can do is struggle to live paycheck to paycheck and still not make enough to sustain myself or my pets

but you know what's a permanent solution to my temporary problem? death. its it's always there for me. always waiting to welcome me with open arms. I'm exhausted from trying to stay afloat, trying to stay happy, and healthy. I'm tired. just taking a shower is exhausting, and also dangerous because of the razors. #Suicide #SuicidalThoughts #suicidalidealation



I can't drive alone.. I mean I do... But when I do I end up having a suicidal idiation of driving off a cliff.... So I'm always trying to drag anyone u can with me on car trips... Anyone else? #suicidalidealation #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD


Do I have BPD or not?

my private psych doesn’t think I have BPD, I’ve been seeing him for a couple of years now. My GP and NHS psych say I do have BPD- I’m confused, hating myself and not doing well. I don’t know what to ask or who to speak too. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPDDiagnosis #Anxiety #Depression #suicidalidealation #Confusedbpd


You are not alone

If you are like me often you feel very isolated and lonely. This post is for anyone reading who needs to know they are not the only one going through this.

I have #Bipolar2Disorder, it has been with me most of my life. I currently take 6 medications to help me maintain stability and see my psychiatrist regularly. I have attempted suicide once and have been hospitalized because I wouldn’t take meds. Many days I struggle with #IntrusiveThoughts which can blossom into full scale psychotic #Paranoia at times. I never know who I will wake up as, will I have #suicidalidealation or be invincible?

life continues, if you are like me, we are both #notalone. Keep fighting friend!


😭😭😭 #suicidalidealation

I feel like no one cares about me anymore..... I don't even care about me..... I'm resisting the urge to self-harm again..... idk why I'm even typing this..... sorry I wasted your time.....

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Who has had suicidal ideation? What had helped get yourself through the dark times? #cerebalpalsy #Depression #Anxiety

I have cerebral palsy and everyone says I am so motivational. I have a hard time hearing that. #SuicidalThoughts #suicidalidealation


What is the point of living?

I am really struggling right now with depression and anxiety (most likely due to surgically induced menopause) but I also feel like there are a lot of things I'm not happy about. There are so many things that i'm stressed about and unhappy with but can't change! So, even though I have a beautiful daughter that I would never "leave behind" I also wonder....what is the point of living? If everything always seems so overwhelming and pointless...why live at all if i'm just going to be so miserable all the time. I'll admit its not always like this....but if I go through ups and downs, whats the point of coming back up if i know i'll keep going back down.....for infinity! I just don't see the point of "being strong" to get through this bout of depression if inevitably i'll be depressed again in the future. It's not like I have some over the moon amazing life that I look forward to getting better for....I don't have anything to look forward to actually. Anyways, just a thought. What is the actual point of living, especially when you don't want to.