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Enough is Enough

I have struggled with depression and anxiety for years. Then I had a stroke 3 years ago. It left me without the ability to speak. Recently I was diagnosed with PTSD and OCD. Yesterday the doctor found a lump in my breast. I’m hoping it’s nothing. Getting a ultrasound soon. Please send prayers and good vibes! #Depression #anxienty #pstd #OCD #Stroke


Grocery day#POTS#pstd

Today the stars aligned, I felt well enough to go out just as the cupboards emptied out. My daughter in law brought me fresh fruit and veg, but still needed to go to the supermarket as hadn't been for a fortnight. I stopped having a care worker get my shopping a month ago as Sydney went into lockdown as I don't want people coming into my home who go into numerous other homes for their job. I've worked out a system at the shops, wearing a mask, disposeable gloves, and putting the groceries on my wheelchair which I push. People give me plenty of space which helps me meet social distancing rules. I've noticed they also are more considerate now I use a wheelchair. I am usually pretty tired by the time I reach the checkout so sit in the wheelchair while the checkout operator packs my order. Then I sit on the in-store seat with my feet up in my wheelchair having a cold drink until I feel energetic enough to walk the 100mtres home. I live next door to the main road leading up to the shopping centre so wait until someone walks past who I can ask to lift my wheelchair up the 4 steps for me. Usually I'm lucky and that happens and today was one of those days. 2hrs later I'm in my lounge bed feeling like I've done a gym work out (hahaha) and enjoying the fruits of my labour - turkey and cheese rye bread sandwich, followed by boysenberry compote on crumpets. Delicious and well worth the effort!

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chris' Series Part 12 - The final chapter

So i ended the last episode on how do i cope, which means asking a load of questions to myself. Do a self route cause analysis. i'm a Business Analyst, so let's use these tools on myself. Ask the questions:
How do i - Why, why, why, why, why
Who am i - Why, why, why, why, why
What am i - Why, why, why, why, why
Where do i - Why, why, why, why, why
When do i - Why, why, why, why, why
Why do i i - Why, why, why, why, why

That is a load of questions with loads of answer, and answers needing more questions giving more answers - Things just started making more rational & logical sense. i become less emotional as that would lead to irrational thoughts which are normally dangerous for my life

With a list of diagnoses like this

& a history of

Having done my own deep evaluation which lead me down many dark paths, all i could do is tell myself to look for the light. Like looking for a single star on a clear & dark evening - Just look for the light. So that becime the crown for my left 1/2 sleeve tattoo, keep looking for that light, no matter how you see your life now. Whether it is though deaths eyes or the devastating after effects of that nuke which exploded. Look deeper there is that fighter - the breaker of chains. you have done it before, you can do it again, the reflection in the mirror doesn't always have to be from a broken mirror - look for a different mirror

In my lowest of moments, i know i need to TRY keep myself rational & evaporate my emotions. So i do this exercise - it buys me time to find that light & snap out of my mental relapse:
STOP - Stop what ever i'm doing.
THINK - Think about what you are doing. Ask the Who, What, Where, When, How & Why you are doing or getting ready to do.
BREATHE - Breathe, deeply & slowly. Try to center, ground, calm, even relax while in a panic state. Switch between Thinking & Breathing as much as you need.
REACT - Now you are better equipped to make a decision in a rational manner looking for that light.

i still have what would make most people think i'm nuts. i have a date in my calendar where i will die from one of my mental illnesses - Everything is ready, stocked & good to go as i type this. However all i need to do is fight my @$$ of for 1 day a year and not 365 & a quarter days a year. Keep myself busy, i take the day off from work. i go to places in the beauty of nature. Honestly the day is the easier part, it get hard once that sunsets & its the long Winter nights but i will put in my earphones, play some awesome & uplifting music, lying in a warm sleeping bag on the lawn & look up at the evening skies ... Looking for all the lights, satellites & meteors. i will meditate to ground & center myself after taking my evening sleeping tablets, then wake up in bed the next day & so the cycle continues

Keep looking for the light & keep safe out there ... ✌🏼❤


Hi #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #pstd

Just checking in. I know i haven't posted or shared much lately. So much stuff is going on. I sometimes feel like I am drowning here. But i will be okay like always.

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chris' Series Part 6


One of the hardest parts of living with mental illnesses is the constant front which you have to put up. Internally you are exhausted, drained, feel like you are alone and deeply sad. Externally you have to act like a "normal" person in all social situations.

Everyone thinks you are better because you smile and crack a joke, however inside you are still broken and just getting thought the day. Everyone around you thinks because you have been to therapy and are on medication that everything is going well for you and you should now be "fixed" or cured, but all you want to to be off these mind altering medications. So in truth its all an act to the public, because honestly who wants to be around a morbid person? People do not tend to easily accept you unconditionally, until you find a community which can relate to your story and feelings where you get better advice for someone how has really gone through something similar.

When in public i feel fake, like a two faced person. i don't want to be like this because i despise fake and two faced people, now here i am being what i totally dislike.

To constantly put up the act and hide what is really happening is mentally exhausting ultimately making it physically tiring. you just want to be real and accepted for who you really are and how you really feel. This is one of the biggest reasons why depressed people withdraw - there are just days were the act is too much and you hide away from everyone so that you can just be (i live those me days). Everyone wants to help and tries to come up with solutions but the brutal truth is, there are none. It is like trying to cure cancer because ultimately depression and anxiety can be seen as a cancer of the brain.

i write this on behalf of all people living with any of these dreadful diseases which encompasses all parts of mental illnesses. It is exhausting trying to live up to other people's expectations of how you are "supposed to be". Sometimes when you are true and real, then you get the worst but best intended advice, however good it could be - sometimes hearing that religion will help, go for a run, did you exercise, eat something, sleep less, be more social, just get over it ... we all have heard something like this and land up only feeling invalidated. This can lead to suicidal idealisation and thoughts which it a topic i will delve into more details over the next 2 episodes which looks at the 2 different aspect to that side of mental health

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Give yourself self respect you deserve!! #loveyourself #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #parentsfightmentalhealth #mindfulness #Anxiety #pstd

My feelings and the emotions that drive through my body, making it hard to control and just that text or in speaking "Please talk to me!" "I love you!" "let's try again?" "Don't leave!" "I'm so sorry!"
When they walk away because they can't handle you and your mind. You lose your self control, your self respect. You do everything for that person you thought you loved, because your unlimited of emotions makes you feel you can't do it alone. You sabotage yourself with the toxic words from your mind! That you can't be alone! Your nothing! No! Those who walk away, don't understand, the pain we feel when they leave, but sometimes it's where we become strong once they go.
Their promise. Their way at the beginning make you believe they always there. So you latch on to those words and loose yourself and when they gone, we feel lost in pain. But we don't have to be like this.... because we have own self respect, we have gained and the power we can do it alone. No other or our emotions should control who we are becoming. Strength we can find and we fight through. Self love.... Self power... Be strong!! #ralizedAnxietyDisorder #self -image #self -sabotage #llness #mental #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #selflovemeanstome

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Bring strong #mentalhealth #bestrong #parentsfightmentalhealth #Mindfulness #self -image #BPD #Loveyourselffirst

No matter how I feel each day, I find my strength and get up, face the world. My mind, my voices try and stop it but my heart knows I have to keep going for my son. I smile, I put on that face on as everything is OK. Pretending is tiring in itself. I'm broken, my heart and my soul are too. My wings feel burnt from every fight I tried to fly through. I'm tired in pretending. I'm tired in searching for the light at the end of the tunnel. But some how I want to keep going. I want to fight and keep my head up high. No matter how my overthinking mind and my broken heart is feeling. This is because I'm stronger than I think I am. The self doubt, the looking in mirror I'd disguise. Nooooo I'm much than this..... I'm going to be who I want to be. Fly with my broken wings. Show everyone I can..... I will be strong! #mentalhealth #BPD #parentsfightmentalhealth #Mindfulness #Anxiety #pstd #Borderline


So angry, so tired #CheckInWithMe #pstd

And so tired of being angry. I don't know what to do with it all. I'm either raging effing angry or sad and sobbing. Or both sobbing and angry because I don't do angry well. Feeling this way is such a waste of a life. 😢😭😩😡😠

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#Anxiety #Depression #cpstd #pstd #OCD

First I would just like to say, is that, I am loving all the art works and creativity in this group. You all need a round of applause. ♥️♥️♥️
I love drawing, painting (water colour and Pastel painting, plus scrapbooking and card making. Though I do obsess over the end result and question myself when as to when it is finished and good enough and is there something I missed or could redo better. My soul cries out to paint and draw but my mind says you’re not good enough.

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My Cuddles comforting me as I am so overwhelmed .

Hello my Mighty Family. My family can't even call me back when I am in tears because I've been so ill. Knowing they
may not want me around. Sad but true. So I come here because you've been through something. So most of you all understand suffering. As well as the stigmas that come from diseases and illnesses that are invisable. Mental illnesses are even worse. My family treats me poorly. My middle sons wife is kind to me.So I have Tachycardia and have had it for along time. On top of that I have a family history of 4 people having a Heart attacks and strokes at some younger then me. So having so many health issues and being housebound other then doctors visits when I can .Maybe get a few items from the store if I can. Rarely. Flowers I do but 1 time a week.They cheer me up. So I am 57 in a month about.Been very ill along time. So over a month ago I went to the ER. Did not help. Fatty liver after 9 hours. Fast pulse EKG. Had a terrible bout of being very sick. Migraines, Adrenal glands. Stomach , Migraines,swelling in ankles. blurry vision infections.and more. Got à bunch of tests my doctor's ordered AbdomonialUltrasound today. MRI of brain. Wear a heart monitor for a month starting the 4th. My blood work said my WBC, RBC,Hemaglobin all were High. Scared me bad. Alot more going on you get the idea. I need my best friend Cuddles ,My best friend/caregiver who works nites in town..Always blessings around me. So grateful for the good stuff.
So My Mighty Family ❤️ I am in need of your input of your wisdom,experiences and your caring support. Which I call friendship and love. You have already made a difference in just few months. Thank you so much for reading this. For giving me❤️ hearts. For everytime you comment or share yourself to me or others.. Last 2 nites fallen asleep suddenly like in kitchen chair.Sitting in strange position not having time to put my face mask on for sleep. Wondering should I be concerned? I truly appreciate each one of you. 💗🙏🌞🐈

# Adrenal insuffiency
#ForGettingTheRest .haha