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chris' Series Part 12 - The final chapter

So i ended the last episode on how do i cope, which means asking a load of questions to myself. Do a self route cause analysis. i'm a Business Analyst, so let's use these tools on myself. Ask the questions:
How do i - Why, why, why, why, why
Who am i - Why, why, why, why, why
What am i - Why, why, why, why, why
Where do i - Why, why, why, why, why
When do i - Why, why, why, why, why
Why do i i - Why, why, why, why, why

That is a load of questions with loads of answer, and answers needing more questions giving more answers - Things just started making more rational & logical sense. i become less emotional as that would lead to irrational thoughts which are normally dangerous for my life

With a list of diagnoses like this

& a history of

Having done my own deep evaluation which lead me down many dark paths, all i could do is tell myself to look for the light. Like looking for a single star on a clear & dark evening - Just look for the light. So that becime the crown for my left 1/2 sleeve tattoo, keep looking for that light, no matter how you see your life now. Whether it is though deaths eyes or the devastating after effects of that nuke which exploded. Look deeper there is that fighter - the breaker of chains. you have done it before, you can do it again, the reflection in the mirror doesn't always have to be from a broken mirror - look for a different mirror

In my lowest of moments, i know i need to TRY keep myself rational & evaporate my emotions. So i do this exercise - it buys me time to find that light & snap out of my mental relapse:
STOP - Stop what ever i'm doing.
THINK - Think about what you are doing. Ask the Who, What, Where, When, How & Why you are doing or getting ready to do.
BREATHE - Breathe, deeply & slowly. Try to center, ground, calm, even relax while in a panic state. Switch between Thinking & Breathing as much as you need.
REACT - Now you are better equipped to make a decision in a rational manner looking for that light.

i still have what would make most people think i'm nuts. i have a date in my calendar where i will die from one of my mental illnesses - Everything is ready, stocked & good to go as i type this. However all i need to do is fight my @$$ of for 1 day a year and not 365 & a quarter days a year. Keep myself busy, i take the day off from work. i go to places in the beauty of nature. Honestly the day is the easier part, it get hard once that sunsets & its the long Winter nights but i will put in my earphones, play some awesome & uplifting music, lying in a warm sleeping bag on the lawn & look up at the evening skies ... Looking for all the lights, satellites & meteors. i will meditate to ground & center myself after taking my evening sleeping tablets, then wake up in bed the next day & so the cycle continues

Keep looking for the light & keep safe out there ... ✌🏼❤

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Hello everyone! I have a free book for those of you interested, "The Shadow I Remember; the Father I Forgot"—it is a family memoir that covers emotional distance, psychological abuse, molestation, cancer, mental illness and suicide. I would love to share my story with you all—and it’s absolutely free on Google Play Books and Kindle Unlimited!!

#anxiety #Depression #Cancer #Suicide #mental illness #molestation


I'm back #PTSD #Relationships #molestation

Hi, I guess a quick update. I'm still doing better, I've getting back on task with my school work and I've been able to reconnect with old friends. I'm here again because my heart hurts, I want to talk about "him." The man that molested me name is Frank. He was like my dad, I put all of my trust and love into him and now there's a restraining order between us. Usually I'd talk to my therapist about this stuff but I feel like she getting tired of hearing the same stuff from me, and with other people they either get too involved or don't really care. Sometimes I'm terrified of the thought of him, sometimes I wish he'd just die, but someone times I miss him. I hate that I feel that way, I don't think I should. I know what happened is his fault, I was only 13 but why do I still feel like I can't hate him? I know the attachment since he was close to me but that was 4 years ago. I could cry right now because I miss those times so much. As a kid I always felt that my family wasn't perfect. My family has gone into fights using knives, talk about abusing drugs and disowning members were there. I grew up with my brother's mental abuse from my uncle. It's screwed up, but when I met Frank he took me away from it all. There was no stress, care or anything like that when we'd hang out. I could get as many hugs as I wanted whenever I wanted but what made them different from the others was that I knew completely then that he loved me. I really miss him, I want to say it without thinking so hard. But I just don't know how I should feel, I'm a bit afraid to ask my therapist and tell her all of this because they're really focused on getting me back on track in school. I don't know if I'll even trust someone enough to love again, although my relationship with Frank was a father daughter type it's affected my view of romantic relationships. I can't get my thoughts straight. Does the way I feel normal?


The world sucks

So. Went to the ADA today to see if my uncle was going to get charged with sexual assault. He’s not getting charged because there wasn’t enough evidence and there wasn’t an adult witness. #savethekids #molestation #worldsucks


Sexual Abuse


I was sexually abused by my father as a little girl, and I didn’t accept it until recently (at age 24) Plus I’ve finally told my mother. (My parents were separated long before) And she is helping me heal. I no longer speak to him, and now he is disowned by the rest of my family. I am ashamed that some of my family knows, and I know that I shouldn’t be. Every day is a struggle. How do you move on from this? I’ve grown up denying that something so horrible could ever happen to me. I’m also afraid I’ll never be able to trust a man enough to be in a relationship. I want to love my body again, and allow myself to be loved. #incestsurvivor #molestation #PTSD




Some nights I feel so much guilt and blame. Then I get intrusive thoughts and it hurts me all over again. It's been 3 years and I'm still broken. #SexualAbuse #molestation