Imatter

I’m so burned out.
I’ve been in a flare up of depression and suicidal thoughts and my health has gotten worse. (We hadn’t known why but I finally have good doctors and I think it’s at least partly because of mold toxicity from our rental house).
So I’ve been hearing worse and worse both physically and mentally. And my mom and my husband who live with me and are my primary support system are very quick to lay the blame at my feet. That it’s my fault. Not that I might be sicker. Or something external affecting me. No, God forbid. It couldn’t be that. Of course, according to their minds it must be my choice. My lifestyle. My behavior.
According to them I’m hurting them on purpose.
No matter how many times I try to explain. No matter how many time my wonderful new doctors help me unpack my new constellation of diagnoses.
No matter how many times I end up in there ER.
I mean really. I have an anaphylactic allergic reaction and am taken in an ambulance to the ER (twice in a month might I add) and I’M STILL BLAMED??!!? HOW IS THAT IN ANY WAY MY FAULT?!?!
And I tried to check into a mental health facility to get help with my depression and they wouldn’t accommodate my MCAS and POTS, and that’s when I ended up in the ambulance the Second Time!! Now I’m desperately searching for a mental health facility that will actually help someone with complex and rare illnesses. I’ve checked nearly a dozen. They won’t.
It’s like I don’t exist anymore. Once I got diagnosed with migraine, Lyme, POTS, MCAS, EDS, Gastroparesis, Autism, and ADHD. It’s like I count for less and less with almost everyone.

I count and I matter. But I’m beginning to wonder how long I can struggle to hold on to that thought when I’m the only one telling myself.

#MastCellActivationDisorder
#LymeDisease
#Migraine
#EhlersDanlosSyndrome
#Gastroparesis
#Autism
#ADHD
#Imatter

I honestly would love to live a life where I fount have to stress about how my family think of me or tell me things which they don’t know are hurting me inside. How they are just not understanding that I am not them. That my hurt is so beyond something so trivial to them. How I matter and how I am not being arrogant or rude for my opinions or for hurting. How I want to be told I’m doing great in my life and how “it’s fine” or “ignore her” don’t help me. I would love to be believed in to be told I’m doing great. Not that I don’t matter and that I am over dramatic. I’m trying to be happy and I’m trying to have a enjoyable life but with them dragging me down how am I supposed to see the happiness on my world around me? #Depression #Anxiety #imtryingmybest #Imatter #teendepression

I need those close to me (family) to acknowledge all I do, through pain and sickness. Ultimately, I need them to get in and help. But if there were acknowledgement at least, I'd feel a little better with appreciation.
#52SmallThings

I’m grateful to be in a place where I can post my vulnerabilities and feel supported. Thanks to this I’ve been inspired to start writing my story down like it matters, because it does. #Imatter #MajorDepressiveDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Representationmatters

To all of US, we're here, together. That's a damn good start. Dontcha think? When life feels like a heavy lead blanket, know that there's a someone, somewhere under their own. Snuggle in and snuggle up. Then throw the blanket up and rise together. You are not alone. You matter and WE need you.
#CheckInWithMe