First time poster- longtime reader here to vent... I am feeling the major anxiety that comes with knowing you are about to spend the next few hours alone combined with not being able to pull off a normal night of sleep? It’s the hardest time for me to be alone and seems like my brain is hijacked by some neurotic and needy jerk. I tend to always have the same ideas that go through my head: nobody cares and I deserve to suffer. Then I usually spend a few hours online backtracking my boyfriends social media activity (not my style and shady af). And then my tired head always finds something to totally over analyze, misinterpret or assume the actual worse; whether from a single like on a girls iG page he works with; to a political comment on Facebook from an ex: it’s a self-saboteur mission because I’m only looking for proof he doesn’t love me.
I am scared this jealous, obnoxious, immature behavior is driving him away but it’s not enough to stop me from my own private, ongoing investigation. I have never been this type of person and I hate it.
As I prepare for tonight’s solitaire mind games I am going to attempt to focus on loving myself and attempt to harness my racing thoughts and turn them into positive ideas vs. my biggest fears/“what-if’s”. I am not sure HOW TO DO THIS? Ideas? New bf? Runaway? Just Coetzee first before I catch him? JK! Kinda??? Anyone else relate to this?
Feeling my midnight madness- a huge rush of energy. Just in time (of course!) as he falls asleep now- oh boy. So the pic: I imagine inside my head would look like this if I had to illustrate. The Indians are my “crazy” thoughts that I am anticipating will storm my brain for the next 6-10 hours. #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #ADHD #PTSD #BipolarDepression #Selflove #selfsabotage #Relationships #ChronicFatigue