selfsabotage

I met my partner 11 months ago. He was,and still is, the most exciting person I've ever been with. I fell for him hard and fast, he reciprocated those feelings #BPD #relationship However, after a couple of months he started to behave erratically, he went away without telling me he was going. When he did contact me, he pushed aside my worries as if I was the one behaving strangely. He has continued to "disappear " about every 4-6 weeks, the longest he was away was 5 weeks. He usually contacts me after a day or two and says he loves me, misses me and needs me #selfsabotage He will also sometimes say that he can't carry on our relationship, that he's no good and I'll end up hating him. Throughout all of this, I have been there for him, trying to let him know how much I love him and that I'm not going to leave him. He has stolen money from me, so far he has paid me back every time #destructivebehaviour
The thing is that I have #MajorDepressiveDisorder and become very low in mood when he leaves me with no warning. He has got better about communicating. What do people think, does it sound as if he could have BPD? He had a difficult childhood, was bullied at school and went into care for a short while. He was also in the forces and was bullied there #Bullying Can anyone offer advice about how I can get him to believe that my feelings for him are deep and strong. I want him to see the beautiful man that I see. Thank you for reading

.... to get the thoughts out of head & I'm not a fan of "notes" on the phone.

Here I sit in my car, church parking lot, due to work & the thoughts of anxiety are consuming so much space.
I've noticed the emotions since yesterday & allowed myself to just sit & recognize what my mind & body was trying to tell me.

Last Sunday I returned home from my very first out of state solo trip. Drove 13 hrs from AZ to CO & that was beyond needed. Idk why I allowed self-sabotage to control me for so long. Once I got back, I felt my depression creep in for a day or two. Got that under controlled.

This past Friday I felt my anxiety try to come & play during work. I fought it off due to being at work & not wanting to cause a scene. That night it was good. Went out & saw The Lion King Musical for the first time. Loved it. That calmed the nerves.

Today, I can feel every emotion trying to creep its way back in. I'm trying to remember techniques I've been shared yet some are not quite what is needed.

Tuesday is my session after having a week off. I can not wait for it. Much needed. This therapist has been such a blessing in disguise. Opened so many doors, good & bad, yet the bad has put a lot into perspective. Always looking for the positive in a negative situation. Always reasoning behind actions... I believe.

My mind & body is just full of so much right now. Trying to sit with everything yet trying to push some emotions to the side is exhausting. Remembering I'm at work is what's keeping me from crashing to my knees.

Ya'll, mental illness is not for the weak. This ish is hard.... & I will not be giving up nor giving in. I will come thru on top. I will define my life. This constant "battle" will not.

If you've made it thus far, you're the real mvp. I was just trying to calm thy thoughts the way I know how. Thank you. 🖤

#Anxiety #Depression #PTSD #Trauma #selfsabotage #Migraines #Healing #Therapy #Insomnia #Chatspace #CheckInWithMe #GAD

My therapist has been ghosting me this week and then she finally responded to me today saying that her mental health has been poor and that she's sorry for her absence. And that was it.
Like, what do I do now? Are you telling me you are taking time off? That you'll be back tomorrow? That you can or cannot provide me with the support I pay you to provide??
I am proud of myself for being assertive about my needs, but I also feel bad for piling on my therapist when she is obviously not doing well. But then I also think about how I as a professional have responsibilities to my clients, which includes monitoring my own mental health and managing my work load accordingly/slash communicating expectations. I know I don't always do it perfectly, and I don't expect perfection, but it would be nice not to feel like *I* need to support my therapist instead of the other way around.
I haven't been coping very well with this situation today and have made some bad decisions because of it. It's hard to want to keep trying...

#CheckInWithMe #Therapy #selfsabotage #Depression #Anxiety #PTSD #narcissisticabusesurvivor

I know what I need to do to get to where I want to be mentally but the self sabotage won’t stop. I’m tired of being tired and not doing what I need to do… Maybe it’s the failed attempts? Stuck in a cycle! #selfsabotage #MentalHealth #negativepatterns

It's executive dysfunction
That is my self destruction.
Tasks that others just simply do
Are impossible to get through
Wanting to is not the question

It's not a lack of instruction
Please do not make that assumption
Do not tell me to just "push through"
It's executive dysfunction

I know there are repercussions
No need for more discussion
How to change, oh I wish I knew
Because then I wouldn't be blue
Over having this malfunction
It's executive dysfunction

#OriginalPoetry #ADHD #executivedysfunction #ADHDInGirls #Adhdinwomen #ParentingWithMentalIllness #selfsabotage

So yesterday wasn't a good day I didn't even take my meds, it really hasn't been OK since the past weekend. I read text messages from Grandma looking for some sort of encouragement or just something to spark something in me because I felt so empty without her, and it was really hurting me that I couldn't even call her, I even called her number. I didn't do any work which is making me highly anxious, slept the entire day planning on waking up super early to catch up and do some house work. Have super annoying headache hoping today gets better. Appreciated the feedback from my previous posts really considering getting counseling before I end up in a losing all hope

I have had the mighty app for 3 years and been on Lexamil (Lexapro Generic) since 2020 I have seen relatable posts on this platform but always afraid to express my pain out of shame. I'm grieving the loss of my grandmother who has been part of every big moment, who knew about my suicide attempts who would detect the sadness in my voice or when I became distant, I'm hurting, here I am in a beautiful city a d great job and I feel alone overwhelmed, unworthy and I can't call her it hurts like hell, I don't want to lose everything but at the same time I feel like I did lose everything that mattered I don't know how to carry on, feel like my medication is useless