Linear IgA Disease

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I’m done

I’m done with all this 🤬
The whole year since now it’s been the s*** year that I had in the last 7y since I’m in Uk.
All started since I’ve been bullied, I fixed it, I had problems at home, abroad, i fix them (more or less), I find a solution for my health (for my leg ulcer, thank for I don’t have diabetes and still waiting for a referral to hospital) but again I’ve been bullied.
After their marvellous investigation in which they said is no evidence for being offended, threatened and mocked and after offering a mediation as solution (even tho I said clear that the mediation in not the solution for a lad that have 0 respect for me), the lad haven’t went to mediation.
Now because I ve appealed the decision of the grievance, the lad is back at work.
My mental health went out on the drain.
At 4 this morning, after being told my manager that I need to behave to be respectful with that lad and some other things, like being my fault and my blame bcus he don’t behave, I had a very bad reaction: start crying.
I left the office and went somewhere where no one can see how sissy I am, I had a very bad anxiety attack, one of my colleague which is as well junior team leader come and we’ve talked, I felt like I’m suffocating.
Is not my fault that the lad is behaving badly, I always respected my colleagues even if they don’t deserve it.
Now im home, a bit calmer than work time but is i don’t know how to fix it.
For sure I understand that now they’re investigating again or it should be and if they don’t take any kind of disciplinary actions, he’ll do it again and again till I’ll go.

My mental health went away since last night when I’ve seen it and in the morning after all that start crying and couldn’t stopped, I really don’t know what I’ll do.
I had a break up from my partner yesterday as well because of this job, we’ve been together for 13y.
Im a mess and I know it but I’ll not quit my job for a jerk

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Changes needs to come

Changes needs to come for me just because I’m too good with everyone and still I get to suffer 😖
Once again I’ve got bullied at work, at least now I’ve reported it and the 3rd time HR have an intervention.
I really don’t know why I’m getting all this angerness from different individuals but I’m starting to get tired.
Last Monday I’ve tried to explain to some lad as per training and common sense some things and he starting lashing at me, offending and threatening me. I’ve done my best to ignore it till the moment his started to mock me, so later on when I finished my night shift I’ve emailed my managers a complaint, just because I shouldn’t be treated like that and mocked, but to be honest most probably if he stopped there to threaten and offending me prolly nothing would be happened but he crossed the limit when he mocked me because I have a strange walk. He was like limping and laughing to his mates, looking at me with hate.
Just because I have this problem with my left foot now and I limp due to the fact if I put to much pressure in it I am in unbearable pain this doesn’t mean that I should be mocked as well.
So next week I’ll have an meeting with hr, need to review my statement and do a new one, all that happened, maybe what happened before as well and try not to loose myself there just because I’ve get emotional and my anxiety goes over the roof.
The difference now is that when I’ll have my meeting, I’ll have to my side my mental health first aider as support (not very helpful maybe due to being one of my team leaders but this it doesn’t matter cus I have nothing to hide, I am an opened book).

To be honest I never thought that I’ll have to go again to the same **** once again, I don’t even think that I had time to heal from previously time properly but I had stopped having anxiety attacks and be less terrified when I’m going to work even if I am really struggling with the stress and anxiety and a bit angerness but look I’m minding my own business, doing my work and try to speak with ppl just when they ask me something but apparently is not good enough even as this.

I know that due to past events at work, now when this happened the result should’ve been for the lad, me going to him and swearing him and beat the crap of it, I think that he imagined when he kept provoking and teasing me all night but I kept my calm.
At least I remember this from my 3 sessions of therapy: when ppl can’t express their frustrations in their life, they pick someone and try their best to do it on others.
Now I’ve heard that he’ll do a complaint against me as well, even tho he started the conflict all 3 times.

Thank you for listening

12 reactions 4 comments

I need to vent

The lad that used to bully and harass me had last night a conflict with another colleague just this time he almost ended wounded, my colleague just shout, sweared and pushed him.
The conflict started when the first guy couldn’t keep his mouth shut and to mind his own business he needed to go to management and say “look what X (will call the 2nd colleague as this) is doing, he’s ripping the boxes with the hand and he wants to do easier job when he’s repacking them” and after X started to shout, to swear and to push him.
Because one of the team leader was around there I went and told him what happened, the team leader went to office and took the other orange vest.
After statements and cameras watched X got suspended and an investigation was started.

I really don’t know if I’ve done the right thing but it seems that way.
I’m not defending any1 and I always told X to be careful because the bully is reporting us for everything we’re doing but it seemed that I was talking with a wall.

All this shouting, temper and anger, these are triggers for me and the only reason that I stayed a bit chiller was that another colleague, a friend, took me on a walk to have a little chat.

I’m truly sorry for X but I warned him at least 20 times, the same, mind his own business.

#mental health

13 reactions 2 comments

There once was a lady bug

There once was a Lady bug, who would make people laugh.

The Lady bug, would tell funny stories, to everyone.

One day, the lady bug, was not feeling well.

Oh no, lady bug is not well.

What should we do?

Call the doctor, said a bird.

No, said a dog.

Tell it a joke, said the children.

Yes, said the duck.

Knock knock, said the children.

Lady bug, who was not well, tried to have fun.

She said, in a week voice, who is there?

Bug said the children.

Bug who answered lady bug.

Bug said the children again.

Bug who lady bug said again.

Bug said the children, yet again.

Bug who said lady bug.

Lady bug, that is who, answered the children.

Very funny said lad bug.

The next day, lady bug was her old self, once again.

Lady bug thank the children, with there own collection, of what else lady bugs.

The end.


Living with Depression - A Metaphor

When I was in college, and studying the Pre-Raphaelites, I stumbled upon the Tennyson poem below. It to me brought to life all that I experienced in coping with PTSD and depression. To live a life on the outskirts, stepping in and sharing and enjoying companionship of friends so brightly, yet so costly.

The numbness and dullness of looking "through a glass darkly" (thank you Sylvia Plath) is as living carefully and as gently as possible while not poking the dragon which sleeps beneath the surface. The idea of living and recording all around you while not partaking of it, is so much the way of the one struggling with this disease. Every step into the real world comes as a shard of glass stabbed into your naked toe. To live fully, you must experience all of the pain, just as the splitting of the fin into legs was for the Little Mermaid. I did not know for so many years, that others didn't feel the same intensity or repercussions. The extreme trauma that played out for me was a signal that I was defective, I could not control my emotions, and I was out of line and lacking. The lack of understanding and support, in fact the loneliness and rejection from all around lead back to you and only you, and so the cycle begins, and continues, with no middle or end, it simply is.

The Lady of Shalott (1842)


Part I

On either side the river lie

Long fields of barley and of rye,

That clothe the wold and meet the sky;

And thro' the field the road runs by

To many-tower'd Camelot;

And up and down the people go,

Gazing where the lilies blow

Round an island there below,

The island of Shalott.

Willows whiten, aspens quiver,

Little breezes dusk and shiver

Thro' the wave that runs for ever

By the island in the river

Flowing down to Camelot.

Four gray walls, and four gray towers,

Overlook a space of flowers,

And the silent isle imbowers

The Lady of Shalott.

By the margin, willow veil'd,

Slide the heavy barges trail'd

By slow horses; and unhail'd

The shallop flitteth silken-sail'd

Skimming down to Camelot:

But who hath seen her wave her hand?

Or at the casement seen her stand?

Or is she known in all the land,

The Lady of Shalott?

Only reapers, reaping early

In among the bearded barley,

Hear a song that echoes cheerly

From the river winding clearly,

Down to tower'd Camelot:

And by the moon the reaper weary,

Piling sheaves in uplands airy,

Listening, whispers " 'Tis the fairy

Lady of Shalott."

Part II

There she weaves by night and day

A magic web with colours gay.

She has heard a whisper say,

A curse is on her if she stay

To look down to Camelot.

She knows not what the curse may be,

And so she weaveth steadily,

And little other care hath she,

The Lady of Shalott.

And moving thro' a mirror clear

That hangs before her all the year,

Shadows of the world appear.

There she sees the highway near

Winding down to Camelot:

There the river eddy whirls,

And there the surly village-churls,

And the red cloaks of market girls,

Pass onward from Shalott.

Sometimes a troop of damsels glad,

An abbot on an ambling pad,

Sometimes a curly shepherd-lad,

Or long-hair'd page in crimson clad,

Goes by to tower'd Camelot;

And sometimes thro' the mirror blue

The knights come riding two and two:

She hath no loyal knight and true,

The Lady of Shalott.

But in her web she still delights

To weave the mirror's magic sights,

For often thro' the silent nights

A funeral, with plumes and lights

And music, went to Camelot:

Or when the moon was overhead,

Came two young lovers lately wed:

"I am half sick of shadows," said

The Lady of Shalott.

Part III

A bow-shot from her bower-eaves,

He rode between the barley-sheaves,

The sun came dazzling thro' the leaves,

And flamed upon the brazen greaves

Of bold Sir Lancelot.

A red-cross knight for ever kneel'd

To a lady in his shield,

That sparkled on the yellow field,

Beside remote Shalott.

The gemmy bridle glitter'd free,

Like to some branch of stars we see

Hung in the golden Galaxy.

The bridle bells rang merrily

As he rode down to Camelot:

And from his blazon'd baldric slung

A mighty silver bugle hung,

And as he rode his armour rung,

Beside remote Shalott.

All in the blue unclouded weather

Thick-jewell'd shone the saddle-leather,

The helmet and the helmet-feather

Burn'd like one burning flame together,

As he rode down to Camelot.

As often thro' the purple night,

Below the starry clusters bright,

Some bearded meteor, trailing light,

Moves over still Shalott.

His broad clear brow in sunlight glow'd;

On burnish'd hooves his war-horse trode;

From underneath his helmet flow'd

His coal-black curls as on he rode,

As he rode down to Camelot.

From the bank and from the river

He flash'd into the crystal mirror,

"Tirra lirra," by the river

Sang Sir Lancelot.

She left the web, she left the loom,

She made three paces thro' the room,

She saw the water-lily bloom,

She saw the helmet and the plume,

She look'd down to Camelot.

Out flew the web and floated wide;

The mirror crack'd from side to side;

"The curse is come upon me," cried

The Lady of Shalott.

Part IV

In the stormy east-wind straining,

The pale yellow woods were waning,

The broad stream in his banks complaining,

Heavily the low sky raining

Over tower'd Camelot;

Down she came and found a boat

Beneath a willow left afloat,

And round about the prow she wrote

The Lady of Shalott.

And down the river's dim expanse

Like some bold seër in a trance,

Seeing all his own mischance—

With a glassy countenance

Did she look to Camelot.

And at the closing of the day

She loosed the chain, and down she lay;

The broad stream bore her far away,

The Lady of Shalott.

Lying, robed in snowy white

That loosely flew to left and right—

The leaves upon her falling light—

Thro' the noises of the night

She floated down to Camelot:

And as the boat-head wound along

The willowy hills and fields among,

They heard her singing her last song,

The Lady of Shalott.

Heard a carol, mournful, holy,

Chanted loudly, chanted lowly,

Till her blood was frozen slowly,

And her eyes were darken'd wholly,

Turn'd to tower'd Camelot.

For ere she reach'd upon the tide

The first house by the water-side,

Singing in her song she died,

The Lady of Shalott.

Under tower and balcony,

By garden-wall and gallery,

A gleaming shape she floated by,

Dead-pale between the houses high,

Silent into Camelot.

Out upon the wharfs they came,

Knight and burgher, lord and dame,

And round the prow they read her name,

The Lady of Shalott.

Who is this? and what is here?

And in the lighted palace near

Died the sound of royal cheer;

And they cross'd themselves for fear,

All the knights at Camelot:

But Lancelot mused a little space;

He said, "She has a lovely face;

God in his mercy lend her grace,

The Lady of Shalott."

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My boys & girls are the best

This is my Lad, he’s a velvet rex. He’s just 1 of 11, including 4 brothers from the same litter! He’s the best snuggler when I feel rough, it’s like he knows

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Finishing touches to my bathroom project #Depression #Mindfulness

I’ve chosen the timber for the floors of my repainted bathroom. This weekend I’m going to lay it.

Such a rewarding feeling to see it getting close to being done.

Why invest so much time and energy into a job like this?

This is the part of my home where I can refresh and recharge after a busy day. I’ve decided to prioritise my health and make sure I’m energised. No more burn out for this lad!

I’m taking a good feeling of pride in my work and that fuels my spirit as well.

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Mr J

In honor of a guy i met on the ward at my last stay in hospital, here's Mr J! Great lad, and reminded me so much of the Joker :-)