Loneliness

It’s crazy to me, the assumptions that people automatically make when I divulge that I’m a Christian.

That it was simply the path of least resistance. That I was born into a church-going home and adopted viewpoints that I never questioned. That I’m sheltered, close-minded, and would surely leave the faith if I’d open my eyes.

The truth is, becoming a Christian went against everything my parents taught me. I lost all of my friends. My high school creative writing teacher tried to de-convert me. Nothing in my environment supported my decision. It was hard. I have never regretted it.

I taught a mini sermon on The Book of Ruth Saturday for leadership class at church. What struck me was how Ruth left everything comfortable and familiar in Moab to follow Naomi and be with God’s people. Naomi begged her to stay back. She wanted to spare Ruth the isolation and rejection she would surely face.

Of course, Ruth’s story has a miraculous, very happy ending. But what if she was an outcast in Bethlehem, and died lonely? That would be so sad. But ultimately, she would gain a reward in eternity that would never have happened if she stayed back with Orpah in Moab.

My son shared a message with me today by a woman named Farmer Girl on Facebook. This passage especially struck me:

“Following Christ may cost you comfort. It may cost you popularity. It may cost you opportunities, relationships, or dreams you thought your life would include. For many believers around the world, it still costs their freedom and even their lives.

But it will never cost more than Christ is worth.

The safest place you will ever be is not the place with the fewest problems.

It is the place where you are faithfully walking with the One who has overcome the world.”

#Bipolar #Depression #GAD #OCD # PTSD

Braille translation: This is how I navigate my words,

I am blind, yet I can still see some things, but it's going away. Week after week I see less and less, to a degree I'm sure I won't have any useful vision left by the end of the year... And I try to rationalise that my grandparents are narcissists, my dad and stepmum are very mentally rigid autistics - and since I also am autistic I should understand this rigidity - and my mum is trying her best to support me, she's the only one who doesn't frustrate me honestly... But it still is so hard to be so lonely in this...

My dad and stepmum aren't the biggest of issues to face, but yes I'd love if they could understand how traumatic and hard this is being for me, stop sending me job applications for a day, understand how much I'm struggling, understand how much it hurts. And then here I have my grandparents not making any effort to understand this is real, this is happening and it's happening fast. Using "this that" language, pointing at stuff or asking me something without the word. Just some minutes ago my grandpa wanted me to get him the cutlery drying cylinder... And he asked me "get that thing for me", and I'm day after day so much more frustrated so it's being hard to mask my body language emotional response, and I pulled my hands up in a sign of frustration and asked "what thing?" And he really sounded a bit annoyed that I didn't know.

It doesn't help to point at something, it doesn't help to say this, that, there... I just want some clear language and I want to feel like I belong, like I matter! They make no effort to accommodate me, to listen to me, to understand when I'm venting out my frustrations about this ableist world. I have an appointment tomorrow that I'll go by myself, and I'm already pre suffering because I already wonder how much I'll have to advocate for myself, I am tired.

I am exhausted!

And I feel completely lonely.