Loneliness

Some people think that healing arrives all at once.

But for me I no longer believe that.

I think healing arrives the same way dawn does.

Very slowly.

So slowly that, for a while, you are convinced the night will never end.

There were years when we thought we were only surviving.

Years of carrying responsibilities that no one could see.

Years of saying, “It’s okay,” while something inside us was quietly breaking, and our hearts wanted to shout but we even didn’t have a voice to shout, the shouting itself felt useless while we were seeing the whole world moves and we’re staying still we don’t know why the sun rises or for whom ! The people outside are happy and achieving their dreams and we look at our lives and conditions and feel that we’re forgotten and thrown alone

But despite everything we learned how to continue.

To wake up.

To go to work.

To smile.

To answer questions.

To pray.

And to try to keep moving even when we’re not able to talk, walk and while we start and end the day with antidepressants, that we feel it turned us out to be dulls with no emotions or ability to know where we were ? Where we’re? And where we will be ?

And while wondering who would feed the tiredness inside us.

The Life has taken people we loved.

It has closed doors that we believed were meant for us.

It has left us standing in places where we never imagined we would remain for even in the most horrible nightmares

There were moments when we questioned everything.

Not belief.

Not hope.

Just the road itself.

We kept asking ourselves whether we were walking toward something…

or simply walking because stopping was no longer an option.

And yet…

Somehow, we never became bitter.

Life taught us that pain can make us harder.

But it can also make us gentler.

If we decided not to allow the pain and suffering to reach anyone else and to be stopped once they reach our home

If we decided to broke the cycle and say we wouldn’t ever do for anyone what we once hated being done for us

It can teach us to recognize loneliness in someone else’s eyes.

To speak more softly.

To judge less.

To appreciate ordinary mornings.

A cup of coffee with someone you love.

A quiet street.

The sound of birds.

A cat waiting for its dinner.

A phone call from your mother.

Things that once seemed too ordinary to notice.

Perhaps that is what suffering gave us.

Not answers.

Just different eyes.

We no longer dream of a perfect life.

We dream of a peaceful one.

A life where we can sleep few hours peacefully without any distractions or nightmares

A life where we can wake up without carrying yesterday on our shoulders.

A life where we can walk because we want to walk not because it’s forced on us and we had no choice but to keep walking

A place that finally feels like home.

People who choose to stay.

Love that does not need to be chased.

Conversations that do not exhaust the soul.

Maybe none of these things arrive tomorrow.

Maybe some of them never arrive at all.

But we have learned something.

Hope is not believing that everything will happen exactly as we imagined.

Hope is continuing to walk with an open heart, even after life has given us countless reasons to close it.

I don’t know what tomorrow holds.

I don’t know which country or place we will call home.

I don’t know which dreams will come true and which ones will quietly disappear.

But I know this.

After everything life has asked of us…

We still choose kindness over bitterness.

Compassion over judgment.

Faith over despair.

And we’ll keep trying to respond the same way every time despite everything

And perhaps that is already a quiet kind of victory.

So if you are carrying something heavy today…

Keep walking.

Not because life is easy.

But because somewhere ahead, there may be a morning that makes every difficult step worth taking.

And if that morning comes…

I hope we recognize it.

Because sometimes peace doesn’t arrive with fireworks.

Sometimes it arrives as an ordinary day…

that no longer hurts.

Or where there’s someone finally arrive and meet you as you’re and choose to stay not because we’re perfect but because he saw something inside us

I think that when we have beauty inside us one day or another someone will see us his way

And with all the sadness, pain and suffering which we carry we decided to keep trying and we chose to live even if everything decided to kill us we’ll stay alive and hoping for peace, love and compassion to govern everything

And that’s it …..

There is a kind of tiredness, pain and sadness that sleep doesn’t fix, sometimes we can sleep for hours and wake up feeling as if we never rested, and sometimes we wake up more tired and sad than we were before we sleep
We can take our antidepressants in the morning, go to work, answer people, finish what needs to be finished and come back home completely empty and despite we have met and talked to many no one noticed the size of pain and suffering in our hearts and souls, or maybe the noticed but no one cared because in such hectic world no ones care about a broken heart or soul,

I know that some of us have been taking antidepressants for years, Some decades and even maybe some like me for more than 18 years “which’s more than the half of my age” and unfortunately at some point we almost forget how life felt before them, and we don’t ever remember who we were before them
With time these antidepressants, visiting the psychiatrist, sadness, pain and suffering become something ordinary, to the extent that we can’t imagine how will we say goodbye to them without being betrayed, since these things are the only things that decided to stay and to continue with us, sometimes or even most of times with all the medication, we are tired, can’t taste anything, the food and the drinks are without flavors or taste for us, some days it’s even hard to eat a piece of plain biscuits or to drink a hot drink just to continue the day and sometimes we don’t eat at all or eat a lot and force ourselves to vomit

And we feel that we’re not tired mentally only but our bodies are tired too, and we’re not able to walk for few minutes or to carry something light
There are mornings when getting out of bed, having a shower, taking on our clothes feels like a full day of work
and most of times explaining that we are tired becomes tiring, so we avoid to talk or to explain

the people see us going to work, and they might think everything is normal, since we always try to behave same like them But unfortunately no one sees the effort behind ordinary things, or what did we feel in order to finish them, sometimes surviving an ordinary day takes everything we have
And maybe one of the strangest things about living this way for a long time is that we become used to it, so we stop expecting people to notice, we stop explaining, we try to learn how to function while exhausted, we started to accept our loneliness and adapt with the idea that the kind of love which we’re looking for is almost impossible to find and we keep asking ourselves who’s the one that’ll accept someone who has been on antidepressants for decades, and almost spent his whole life living in surviving mode and carrying responsibilities alone responsibilities that forced on him and he hadn’t ever the choice but with all of that we try to continue walking when we don’t even know where the road is taking us, even when we don’t know who are we ? Where were we ? Where will we be ?

But after everything something strange remains, we still believe in love, mercy, and the kindness matters and still pray for softer days even after living through hard ones. Sometimes I wonder how this part of us survives and how can a heart become so tired and still want to love and can we experience disappointment after disappointment and still hope that somewhere there is someone kind? And how can we still want a real love after everything? But maybe just maybe not pretending that everything is beautiful, not denying depression, pain, sadness and suffering, not pretending medication fixed everything, not telling ourselves that tomorrow will certainly be better maybe is one of the quietest forms of resistance

Maybe we stopped asking why long time ago since we realized that knowing why won’t ever add anything for us and what happened happened but we still pray for, love, mercy, easy mornings and for someone who comes into our lives gently and doesn’t make love another battle we need to survive

Someone who sees the tiredness and doesn’t run from it
Someone who doesn’t expect us to be perfect, healed or endlessly strong
Just someone who sees us as we are and chooses to stay, maybe that person comes or life changes in another way or maybe we don’t know yet

Sometimes hope isn’t a big thing sometimes it’s simply that today we will try one more time
We have been tired for a very long time however the most important thing is that we’re still here, still capable of tenderness, still believing, and we’ll keep walking and praying for peace, mercy, love and for whatever gentle thing may still be on its way …..

There is a kind of tiredness, pain and sadness that sleep doesn’t fix, sometimes we can sleep for hours and wake up feeling as if we never rested, and sometimes we wake up more tired and sad than we were before we sleep
We can take our antidepressants in the morning, go to work, answer people, finish what needs to be finished and come back home completely empty and despite we have met and talked to many no one noticed the size of pain and suffering in our hearts and souls, or maybe the noticed but no one cared because in such hectic world no ones care about a broken heart or soul,

I know that some of us have been taking antidepressants for years, Some decades and even maybe some like me for more than 18 years “which’s more than the half of my age” and unfortunately at some point we almost forget how life felt before them, and we don’t ever remember who we were before them
With time these antidepressants, visiting the psychiatrist, sadness, pain and suffering become something ordinary, to the extent that we can’t imagine how will we say goodbye to them without being betrayed, since these things are the only things that decided to stay and to continue with us, sometimes or even most of times with all the medication, we are tired, can’t taste anything, the food and the drinks are without flavors or taste for us, some days it’s even hard to eat a piece of plain biscuits or to drink a hot drink just to continue the day and sometimes we don’t eat at all or eat a lot and force ourselves to vomit

And we feel that we’re not tired mentally only but our bodies are tired too, and we’re not able to walk for few minutes or to carry something light
There are mornings when getting out of bed, having a shower, taking on our clothes feels like a full day of work
and most of times explaining that we are tired becomes tiring, so we avoid to talk or to explain

the people see us going to work, and they might think everything is normal, since we always try to behave same like them But unfortunately no one sees the effort behind ordinary things, or what did we feel in order to finish them, sometimes surviving an ordinary day takes everything we have
And maybe one of the strangest things about living this way for a long time is that we become used to it, so we stop expecting people to notice, we stop explaining, we try to learn how to function while exhausted, we started to accept our loneliness and adapt with the idea that the kind of love which we’re looking for is almost impossible to find and we keep asking ourselves who’s the one that’ll accept someone who has been on antidepressants for decades, and almost spent his whole life living in surviving mode and carrying responsibilities alone responsibilities that forced on him and he hadn’t ever the choice but with all of that we try to continue walking when we don’t even know where the road is taking us, even when we don’t know who are we ? Where were we ? Where will we be ?

But after everything something strange remains, we still believe in love, mercy, and the kindness matters and still pray for softer days even after living through hard ones. Sometimes I wonder how this part of us survives and how can a heart become so tired and still want to love and can we experience disappointment after disappointment and still hope that somewhere there is someone kind? And how can we still want a real love after everything? But maybe just maybe not pretending that everything is beautiful, not denying depression, pain, sadness and suffering, not pretending medication fixed everything, not telling ourselves that tomorrow will certainly be better maybe is one of the quietest forms of resistance

Maybe we stopped asking why long time ago since we realized that knowing why won’t ever add anything for us and what happened happened but we still pray for, love, mercy, easy mornings and for someone who comes into our lives gently and doesn’t make love another battle we need to survive

Someone who sees the tiredness and doesn’t run from it
Someone who doesn’t expect us to be perfect, healed or endlessly strong
Just someone who sees us as we are and chooses to stay, maybe that person comes or life changes in another way or maybe we don’t know yet

Sometimes hope isn’t a big thing sometimes it’s simply that today we will try one more time
We have been tired for a very long time however the most important thing is that we’re still here, still capable of tenderness, still believing, and we’ll keep walking and praying for peace, mercy, love and for whatever gentle thing may still be on its way …..

#Depression #BipolarDepression #Grief #Anxiety