Lows

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 6 months (I'm also bipolar), ever since we we've been together I've been on this manic high. Well, like every high episode comes the low episode which is harder than anything to function with. Unfortunately, it was his birthday this weekend & I wanted to do what girlfriends do & be with him. Inorder for me to stop having panic attacks I drank a lil to much & I didn't make it look good on him because I disappeared to go throw up & never came back out, I passed out. I've told him how sorry I am & yeah, I did fuck up. I now know that he will never understand what this disease does to you because he kept on with the same thing over & over again. I don't think we are or will be together anymore. This really fucked with my psyche. I guess I'm meant to be by myself. He was the 1st man I had been with since my ex husband in 2016. Am I not worthy to have someone love me & understand that this disease is not easy on anybody especially the person that has to deals & tries to conquer every demon everyday??

I'm so heartbroken....

#MentalIllness #Bipolar #BipolarDisoder #Manic #depressive #PTSD #SocialAnxiety #Insomnia #Insomniac #highs #Lows #Disease #chronicmentalillness

I have been really confused lately. I am one of those that gets seasonal depression once it’s too cold outside, gets too dark too soon, when it’s winter. Then spring comes around and boom the trees blossom and I am happy again. This year has been different, as for everyone but this is my post, and all of this hurts.. my heart aches in agnoy for no reason, I dread waking up in the morning, I simply have no desire. And it’s not even close to my seasonal depression. It’s still warm out most days where I live, it’s sunny, my person of interest is there for me.. yet I’m miserable.. here I sit feeling miserable wondering why do I feel this way.. and I can’t help but blame myself for leading myself to where I am today.. I swallow back tears as others are rolling down my face and it hits my soul.. I feel as if I am drowning and no one sees or understands how, I’m above water with plenty of air, no reason to fear, right? Yet here I am barely able to make a breath.. #Lows #Confusion

So here we are back again at the depressive episode rotation of the bipolar II merry-go-round... I could feel myself slipping and all I could do is hold on tight to the edge hoping not to fall any lower that I already am... My inability to get out of bed was a sign, my loss of appetite another, my numbness, depersonalization and derealization, all of them, signs. I just thought I would be able to hold it back from having me hopeless, but I guess I'm not that strong. #BipolarDisorder #Depression #ruminating #Crying #Lows #SpiralingDown

Today I'm low, really down. I have a few chores, chores that on my up day, I'd breeze through. Now it feels like I'm moving a mountain. I'm so exhausted, it feels like there's a 100 tonne load on my back... I feel like I'm lying to myself, and I'm just being lazy... I feel so guilty that I'm not doing enough. #BipolarDisorder #Depression #ruminating #Crying #Lows