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Suicide Loss Survivor

I don't know if anyone will ever read my blog or posts. I don't know if anyone will ever care about my story. I don't know if anyone will ever not see me as a criminal and rather see me as a person. But I share my story in hopes that it will one day help one individual.

I’ve been away for a while with dealing with my mom’s suicide, the constant accusation by other’s of killing my mom, and the biggest mental health struggle I have ever been through. I will probably be gone for a while as I battle my mental health and look for the strength to have my voice back and to look not to the past, but to the future, a future where I can not only share my experience with mental health, but also share my experience in dealing with the loss of a loved one from suicide. This struggle I am going through is tough. I constantly feel I could have said something or anything to prevent my mom’s suicide. I feel as though the world will always view me as trash, with the attacks I received when my mom died. More people were worried about sharing my miss fortunes, accusing me of trying to raise money for my criminal activities, and worst of all saying I killed my mom. No one knows the true story or even cares about my side of the story of how her husband didn’t want to get police involved for 48 hours despite an accurate description of her in a news article on Facebook, or the fact that I took financial responsibility for her funeral even though I get no life insurance money, or that while waiting for the cops to come to my house that night that her husband constant said it wasn’t her and that she was having an affair. My mom was an amazing woman, that would do anything for anyone, but more of that to come as I gain my voice back and go head to head with the trolls. But I don’t want to leave you hanging so one quick memory of recent about my mom that ties to so many more. My uncle recently decided he wanted to collect mustard, maple syrup, and honey. So on her days off and often times after work she would travel looking for mustard to send him. IF you told my mom you wanted to be a collector of something, you better be prepared because she was going to make sure you had the best collection. Thank you to those who supported me in the past and to all those in the future as I hope to grow my website into something that can both honor my mom and make a difference in someone’s life. " originalText=" "> #SuicideLoss #Depression #Bipolar #BipolarDisoder #mental #MentalHealth

8 reactions 1 comment

How do you talk your way off of the ledge..

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 6 months (I'm also bipolar), ever since we we've been together I've been on this manic high. Well, like every high episode comes the low episode which is harder than anything to function with. Unfortunately, it was his birthday this weekend & I wanted to do what girlfriends do & be with him. Inorder for me to stop having panic attacks I drank a lil to much & I didn't make it look good on him because I disappeared to go throw up & never came back out, I passed out. I've told him how sorry I am & yeah, I did fuck up. I now know that he will never understand what this disease does to you because he kept on with the same thing over & over again. I don't think we are or will be together anymore. This really fucked with my psyche. I guess I'm meant to be by myself. He was the 1st man I had been with since my ex husband in 2016. Am I not worthy to have someone love me & understand that this disease is not easy on anybody especially the person that has to deals & tries to conquer every demon everyday??

I'm so heartbroken....

#MentalIllness #Bipolar #BipolarDisoder #Manic #depressive #PTSD #SocialAnxiety #Insomnia #Insomniac #highs #Lows #Disease #chronicmentalillness

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Queen/David Bowie-Under pressure

Pressure pushing down on me
Pressing down on you, no man ask for
Under pressure that burns a building down
Splits a family in two
Puts people on streets
It's the terror of knowing what the world is about
Watching some good friends screaming
"Let me out!"
Pray tomorrow gets me higher
Pressure on people, people on streets
Chipping around, kick my brains around the floor
These are the days it never rains but it pours
People on streets
People on streets
It's the terror of knowing what the world is about
Watching some good friends screaming
'Let me out'
Pray tomorrow gets me higher, high
Pressure on people, people on streets
Turned away from it all like a blind man
Sat on a fence but it don't work
Keep coming up with love but it's so slashed and torn
Why, why, why?
Love, love, love, love, love
Insanity laughs under pressure we're breaking
Can't we give ourselves one more chance?
Why can't we give love that one more chance?
Why can't we give love, give love, give love, give love
Give love, give love, give love, give love, give love?
'Cause love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of the night
And love (people on streets) dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is our last dance
This is ourselves under pressure
Under pressure
#Music #BipolarDepression #Bipolar #BipolarDisoder #Depression #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors

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What do others often misunderstand about living with #SuicidalThoughts?

I want your voice and perspective to be heard. 📣Tomorrow (Thursday, Oct. 10 @ 12pmET), I’ll be talking about education and suicide prevention at Give an Hour’s Change Direction Jam: A Global Conversation on Mental Health Culture Change.

I’ll be bringing your answers to this question (anonymously of course) to demonstrate where the gaps are in our current mental health system + narrative. 💪

Whether your schedule allows you to attend the Jam or not, your experience matters. It’s free + online + two days long, so you can pop in whenever you like.

Get more details or register here:

P.S. Some incredible change-makers, thoughts leaders, advocates and policy makers will be there (to chat with and listen to YOU) -- Talinda Bennington, Anna Shinoda, DJ Nash, Bruce Cohen, the Mighty’s editorial director of contributors Sarah Schuster and more. ⚡️

#CheckInWithMe #Suicide #Anxiety #Depression #MentalHealth #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidePrevention #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #PTSD #EatingDisorders #BipolarDisoder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #WorldMentalHealthDay #MentalHealthAwareness



Had a really bad day. Feels like no one cares. My mood has been all over the place. Why doesn’t this go away?? It’s exhausting. I’m so tired of all of it. Sick of all the thoughts in my head. Please make it stop.
#Depression #BipolarDisoder

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I CAN DO THIS #Depression #BipolarDisoder #Anxiety #ADD #MoodDisorders

I wonders why I could never journal... At least not for a long period of time. My son(22) has encouraged me over and over again, he assures me that I will feel much better. He explains that as I am writing or even speaking, I have to be assertive, affirm that I am and will accomplish whatever it is I want to accomplish. Funny thing is that he reminds me that I have been that has always teach him that. I wonder why I am never that strong for myself. Its been two yrs that I started painting and aI am good at it... I am scared to start selling my art work. Time after time my family tells me to sell my paintings and I am stuck.... I committed to writing in my journal on a daily basis, with the hopes that everything I write will manifest in my favor... ☮️💟😁 #fearoffailure #AffirmMe