I am probably going to get some negative reactions by saying this but if I don't get it out it's going to eat me alive. I'm not judging anyone if the choices benefit them! I am all for others and what works for them.
I struggle to 'embrace the truth.'
I can't be one of those people who, find healing in acceptance. Not yet, anyway. Maybe I'm just not at that stage and I'm jumping the gun.
Something happens whenever I try to come out with what's in my head.
Does anyone else feel like unearthing it makes things worse? I know.
The truth sets people free. But I cant help but think I am the exception.
A part of me wishes I had never remembered what I went through. It's like... The more I try to remember, the worse my condition becomes.
I get really sick. Flu-like sick.
And I struggle to cope with just small day to day tasks, tasks that I know NEED doing. Like feeding my baby and my older children. Doing the laundry. Making food.
But those things become increasingly difficult.
I don't want anyone to know what I'm going through,because it prompts questions. And I'm not ready to give answers. So , I drop off the radar for a few days, and lie to anyone who texts or calls me. I smile for my kids and my husband. And I continue to do what is expected of me.
But inside, it is turmoil.
Everyday is an internal battle with myself, to keep going.
My fear of letting down those around me overrides my fear of falling apart, and so I'm able to keep going, while hiding everything from everyone.
My mind goes into Auto-Pilot, and my body just follows.
Everything I feel, especially the broken pieces, are pushed to the side. I hold my head up. And I "just get the thing done."
It's how I've gotten through all these years. From a child, till now.
It is cynical in some ways.
Sometimes, I think "Someone out there has had it much worse than me. I really don't have anything to complain about. My life has turned out, relatively good."
So I suck it up.
Other times, I think "Holy cow. I am more screwed up than I thought."
Still. None of those thoughts have been enough of a motivation for me to confront the underlying issues.
The reality for me, at the end of the day... Is i HAVE to keep going. I have to.
Falling over and staying on the ground is not an option for me.
It's like, I'm trapped.
I have a choice.
Either, do this for me. And face up to what's happened.
Or, push it back down to where it came from, and continue to function as a normal person.
I don't get to put 'me' first when I have a life that is so busy and so many people rely on me. If I want to function at 100%, I have to keep burying the issue.
That's what stopped my therapy the last time.
I couldn't cope with everything coming up all at once. It was too much, too fast. Maybe I just had the wrong therapist. I didn't quite feel like she was a good fit for me, simply because the coping methods she suggested didn't work and I tried explaining it to her, but she pushed me to keep trying. In the end, I lied to her and told her I was doing them but I wasn't really. It was just to keep her happy.
I left her care not long after.
But it was strange.
I hadn't done much 'talking' with her. But whatever I had done, had some effect cause I had just enough in me to get back on my feet and soldier on for another few years.
I've had a few 'moments' in between and depressive episodes, but nothing as intense.
And the monster has reared its ugly head again.
I know what the triggers are.
And it sucks because I have no control over them, because they aren't things I can avoid.
And so, starts the cycle again.
I really do hope others out there who, might relate in some way, do not do what I do.
My mum told me once to be careful of how much I take on. She said, "Take care of YOU. The body feels what the mind chooses to ignore.
Do not ignore yourself."
Maybe I need to pay more attention to that.