depressive

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    Bipolar and tired #Bipolar #depressive episode #alone during holidays

    After a med adjustment while in psych hospital, my mood improved greatly. I was doing all kinds of social stuff and taking better care of my apartment. Then Monday it dipped. It just dropped into I dont want to get out of bed. Maybe holidays? I have one family member in anothet state. Thats it on family for me. Friends are great and yet often invisible. I am so tired of this. I am unable to have any consistency on my life!! In anything. I am 50 yo and on top of it I am concerned about what these medicines I have been taking for 25 years are doing to my body from the long term. I finally was able to cry today. It hurts. Good things never last.

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    #3. The body feels what the mind chooses to ignore. "

    I am probably going to get some negative reactions by saying this but if I don't get it out it's going to eat me alive. I'm not judging anyone if the choices benefit them! I am all for others and what works for them.

    I struggle to 'embrace the truth.'
    I can't be one of those people who, find healing in acceptance. Not yet, anyway. Maybe I'm just not at that stage and I'm jumping the gun.

    Something happens whenever I try to come out with what's in my head.
    Does anyone else feel like unearthing it makes things worse? I know.
    The truth sets people free. But I cant help but think I am the exception.
    A part of me wishes I had never remembered what I went through. It's like... The more I try to remember, the worse my condition becomes.
    I get really sick. Flu-like sick.
    And I struggle to cope with just small day to day tasks, tasks that I know NEED doing. Like feeding my baby and my older children. Doing the laundry. Making food.
    But those things become increasingly difficult.
    I don't want anyone to know what I'm going through,because it prompts questions. And I'm not ready to give answers. So , I drop off the radar for a few days, and lie to anyone who texts or calls me. I smile for my kids and my husband. And I continue to do what is expected of me.
    But inside, it is turmoil.

    Everyday is an internal battle with myself, to keep going.
    My fear of letting down those around me overrides my fear of falling apart, and so I'm able to keep going, while hiding everything from everyone.
    My mind goes into Auto-Pilot, and my body just follows.
    Everything I feel, especially the broken pieces, are pushed to the side. I hold my head up. And I "just get the thing done."
    It's how I've gotten through all these years. From a child, till now.

    It is cynical in some ways.
    Sometimes, I think "Someone out there has had it much worse than me. I really don't have anything to complain about. My life has turned out, relatively good."
    So I suck it up.
    Other times, I think "Holy cow. I am more screwed up than I thought."
    Still. None of those thoughts have been enough of a motivation for me to confront the underlying issues.
    The reality for me, at the end of the day... Is i HAVE to keep going. I have to.
    Falling over and staying on the ground is not an option for me.

    It's like, I'm trapped.
    I have a choice.
    Either, do this for me. And face up to what's happened.
    Or, push it back down to where it came from, and continue to function as a normal person.
    I don't get to put 'me' first when I have a life that is so busy and so many people rely on me. If I want to function at 100%, I have to keep burying the issue.

    That's what stopped my therapy the last time.
    I couldn't cope with everything coming up all at once. It was too much, too fast. Maybe I just had the wrong therapist. I didn't quite feel like she was a good fit for me, simply because the coping methods she suggested didn't work and I tried explaining it to her, but she pushed me to keep trying. In the end, I lied to her and told her I was doing them but I wasn't really. It was just to keep her happy.
    I left her care not long after.

    But it was strange.
    I hadn't done much 'talking' with her. But whatever I had done, had some effect cause I had just enough in me to get back on my feet and soldier on for another few years.
    I've had a few 'moments' in between and depressive episodes, but nothing as intense.
    Until recently.
    And the monster has reared its ugly head again.

    I know what the triggers are.
    And it sucks because I have no control over them, because they aren't things I can avoid.
    And so, starts the cycle again.

    I really do hope others out there who, might relate in some way, do not do what I do.
    My mum told me once to be careful of how much I take on. She said, "Take care of YOU. The body feels what the mind chooses to ignore.
    Do not ignore yourself."

    Maybe I need to pay more attention to that.

    #Abuse
    #depressive
    #DID
    #CPTSD
    #Selfcare

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    I am more than a number

    I am more than a number

    I created this work in 2008 before my proper treatment began at St.Joes.

    This work came to life out of sheer frustration and misery; I didn’t know what was going on with me and without proper care or diagnosis; I felt lost in a system, my days felt numbered.

    My life changed in 2009 when I needed emergency mental health treatment in the Tower at St. Joes. There I stayed for 17 days and was diagnosed with Bipolar 1. At that moment, I thought my life would never amount to anything. Now I know that moment started a change in me for the better.

    My treatment continued at the West 5th campus as both an in-and outpatient for 10 years. In those years, I gained invaluable knowledge of myself, my diagnoses and how to live well with Bipolar. Upon my final discharge, my primary Nurse of those 10 years said, “how does it feel walking through here a strong woman”

    “it feels amazing,” I replied

    Through my ongoing recovery, I learned to create a new narrative for myself, one that empowered continuous growth after treatment. I replaced seeing myself as a number, with a number of amazing things I am.

    I am a caring and supportive Grandmother, Mother and Wife.

    I am a successful artist and teacher.

    I am a fierce advocate for mental wellbeing.

    I have a relentless determination to maintain a valuable life.

    and yes, the list goes on and will continue!

    Now I could list a number of things I lost or can’t do, but I focus on the things I can.

    So today, as you are going through your struggles, think of one good thing, just one, and hold on to that!

    Remember, strength comes in numbers. No one can recover alone. We all have struggles, but together we can change for the better.

    Some great resource can be found at ibpf.org

    #Bipolar #Manic #Depression #depressive #Wellbeing #Hope #Therapy #Hospital #Happiness

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    Hello Everyone🙋🏻‍♀️. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BingeEatingDisorder #Anxiety

    Hello everyone, I was asked by an Admin to introduce myself in this group, so here goes…

    My name is Lorraiine, I’m 31 years old and I joined The Mighty a couple months ago. I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety since I was 15, probably since being a little girl but officially diagnosed then. After years and years of going through therapists, psychiatrists and multiple breakdowns. I was finally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and it all hit me. Absolutely everything made sense, all the mood changes, highs and lows and my food addiction. I spent 45 days in an in-patient rehab clinic for addictions and that’s when my healing process took a turn for the better.

    Don’t get me wrong, it’s not rainbows and sunshine for me.

    I’m currently going through a depressive phase, my dad has cancer, I’m unemployed and I feel lonely. I see everyone around me achieve stuff, work milestones, marriages, babies born and I’m barely surviving.

    It’s like I’m numb. Every day goes like a blur.

    In the picture above I’m smiling. I’m an expert at hiding my emotions. That night I took it, I was feeling so down, listening to a friend tell me about this wonderful relationship she was in and my that broke me.

    BPD has made me had horrible relationships. I feel like I will never be able to be in a healthy one. I’m told to just go out there, have fun, meet people… how am I supposed to do that when I have such a low self-esteem and social anxiety? Everytime I’m in a conversation I feel inferior to the other person…

    Could use a pep-talk 🙏🏼🙏🏼.

    #CheckInWithMe #depressive

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    Keep myself busy.

    I've learned over time how important hobbies are to me. Even after learning that I then had to learn how to work on one thing at a time. I'm not perfect at it but I try. I recently made this "Steal Your Face" with my 3D pen. Classic Grateful Dead artwork. I did it in 2 days which for me is quite an accomplishment. It's not the level of skill but rather that I put all my focus into accomplishing one thing at a time. Keep your eye on the prize.
    #AdultADHD #ADHD #Bipolar #Anxiety #Manic #depressive #Mania #Depression #Recovery #drugaddict #alcoholic #focus

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    Self-harm my only escape

    Sometimes I feel like the only way to shut the noise off in my head is by #Cutting . I don't know what direction I'm headed right now. Am I going through a #Manic or #depressive phase? I really just don't know. I missed two days of my medications recently but not in a row. #Selfharm feels like such a good idea right now! #NSSI #Addiction #Bipolar #Mania #Depression #Anxiety #OCD #ADHD #MentalHealth #MentalIllness

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    How do you talk your way off of the ledge..

    I've been with my boyfriend for almost 6 months (I'm also bipolar), ever since we we've been together I've been on this manic high. Well, like every high episode comes the low episode which is harder than anything to function with. Unfortunately, it was his birthday this weekend & I wanted to do what girlfriends do & be with him. Inorder for me to stop having panic attacks I drank a lil to much & I didn't make it look good on him because I disappeared to go throw up & never came back out, I passed out. I've told him how sorry I am & yeah, I did fuck up. I now know that he will never understand what this disease does to you because he kept on with the same thing over & over again. I don't think we are or will be together anymore. This really fucked with my psyche. I guess I'm meant to be by myself. He was the 1st man I had been with since my ex husband in 2016. Am I not worthy to have someone love me & understand that this disease is not easy on anybody especially the person that has to deals & tries to conquer every demon everyday??

    I'm so heartbroken....

    #MentalIllness #Bipolar #BipolarDisoder #Manic #depressive #PTSD #SocialAnxiety #Insomnia #Insomniac #highs #Lows #Disease #chronicmentalillness

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    Constantly feeling burned out.

    I have just recently thinking about the fact that I always feel like I’ve worked my brain super hard today. Or like I took a rocket science exam that lasted 4 hours.

    I can get 12 hours of sleep and still feel like this. I have #Anxiety and I’m wondering if that could be related? I always kind of just assumed it was me being exhausted by my constant anxiety but now I’m not sure.

    I also do suffer from #Depression but I’m not currently in a #depressive episode.

    I can’t remember a time where I didn’t feel burned out. Or tired. Whatever you want to call it.
    Just wondering what the #MentalHealth community thinks about this? I will definitely be talking to my therapist about what she thinks too. Thank you for your help!

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    I can’t tell if I’m having a #Borderline day or if I’m having a really severe #depressive day of #Bipolar2Disorder

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