People don't understand why I am exhausted. I sit around most of the day doing nothing. What they don't see is that in my head, I am holding myself down because I don't know if I will reach for my meds or the knife if I get up out of bed. They don't see that taking a relaxing bath is actually a fight not to drown myself. They don't see that writing depressing stories and playing video games is my way to keep my mind off of self harm and suicide. They don't see the battle I fight each and every day. They don't see the hours I sit awake during the night crying my heart out. They don't see the journey that's taken years getting absolutely nowhere. They don't see the weight that misdiagnosis has on my sense of self. They don't see they fears that come with new possible diagnoses. They don't see the pain and aching this causes my body. They don't see the tension headaches I get multiple times a day. They don't feel the hatred I have for myself when I look in the mirror. They don't see the pain that comes with always being the third wheel and being asked for relationship advice when I so desperately want someone one to love me that way and the fear that no one ever will. They see the good grades. They see the talented singer. They see the goody-two shoes. They see the girls with crazy mood swings. They see the girl with no reason to worry. They see the girl with a loving family and a good community. They see the girl with good friends. They see the girl who is smart. They see the girl that worries too much. They see an older sister. They see a precious daughter. But I don't. And that's when I realize it's all in my head.
#SuicidalThoughts #Selfharm #Depression #Anxiety #Fibromyalgia #Bipolar ? #OCD ? #possiblyautistic #maybeADHD #Misdiagnosis #Medication #afraidofmyself #cold #numb #Pain #Fear