possiblyautistic

I am drained. I feel lost and alone and confused and I'm terrified of slipping back into depression. I'm struggling to complete my goals and to do the things that make me happy and even the ones I love don't seem to make it better. I was in therapy for a bit, but my dad didn't pay the bill and the therapist I had, while being a kind person who tried to help, was not the best fit for me. I do plan on getting that bill paid off, I'm just trying to find a way.

My family and I strongly suspect I have ADHD since I display many symptoms and I have a family history -- I have multiple siblings who've been diagnosed, there are probably more people in my family with ADHD than without it. I've also been told that I seem to show symptoms of OCD or autism or both. I have had obsessive thought spirals and compulsive behavior, such as when I was convinced I could feel germs on my hands and washed them until they bled or or when I would have intrusive thoughts about doing something against my religious beliefs and would constantly pray or ask my mother for reassurance because of it. I also hate change (even for little things -- not that long ago I got very upset over having to use a different TV remote) and I notice myself avoiding eye contact (in fact I just recently found a text from a few years ago complaining about eye contact) and I don't feel like I fit.

I feel different.

I think I understand what people mean and I don't. I suck at lying, which is bad socially as much as people say honesty is a virtue, and there have been multiple instances where people claimed to be my friend, but either abandoned me or been unkind to me, which has been hurtful and confusing.

One thing I used to pride myself on was that the few good friends I did have trusted me. They talked to me about their problems and I opened up to them and we took comfort in not being alone, in sharing our burdens and feeling like we had someone to talk to.

Then they all moved on and I'm left here reminding myself that it's life, knowing that it's nothing personal, and still hurting. We still talk sometimes, but it's not the same. And I haven't found many new friends, especially not as close as those ones. I've tried to help new people and it hasn't worked. I don't know what I'm doing wrong and why I can't help people anymore and it makes me feel so worthless.

My mother thinks people don't want to burden me because they know about trauma I've survived and then I feel bad. Like I'm a burden on people and I don't give anything back. I've struggled for years with bouts of depression and anxiety and I feel inferior for one foolish reason or other. And there's something inside of me constantly telling me it's not that bad and that I'm being dramatic.

I feel so alone. Like nobody will ever be able to understand me and like I'll spend the rest of my life pretending that I don't feel that way so I don't hurt other people's feelings. I think it'll help if I find a way to meet other people who struggle with the things I do. I think that's why my other friends and I got on so well. My mother found a promising option for counseling recently and I'm hoping to start an Etsy store.

I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. If any of you know of anything that's helped you, whether it's a song or a story or a coping strategy, please let me know. <3 #Anxiety #Loneliness #neurodivergent #possiblyahdd #ADHD #possiblyocd #OCD #possiblyautistic

I just need to get it off my brain. I have the urge to delete all of my contacts and friends because I don’t feel like I have friends who haven’t rejected me, whether perceived or not, becaaaaause of the way my silly brain works that I’m waiting to get help with.

Like I feel like everyone got a life and left me behind, and so I don’t try, because I don’t even know how to do the sOcIaL tHiNg. Which is why I’m looking for an autism diagnosis 👌🏻.

#Anxiety #RejectionSensitiveDysphoria #possiblyautistic #ADHDTypeC

People don't understand why I am exhausted. I sit around most of the day doing nothing. What they don't see is that in my head, I am holding myself down because I don't know if I will reach for my meds or the knife if I get up out of bed. They don't see that taking a relaxing bath is actually a fight not to drown myself. They don't see that writing depressing stories and playing video games is my way to keep my mind off of self harm and suicide. They don't see the battle I fight each and every day. They don't see the hours I sit awake during the night crying my heart out. They don't see the journey that's taken years getting absolutely nowhere. They don't see the weight that misdiagnosis has on my sense of self. They don't see they fears that come with new possible diagnoses. They don't see the pain and aching this causes my body. They don't see the tension headaches I get multiple times a day. They don't feel the hatred I have for myself when I look in the mirror. They don't see the pain that comes with always being the third wheel and being asked for relationship advice when I so desperately want someone one to love me that way and the fear that no one ever will. They see the good grades. They see the talented singer. They see the goody-two shoes. They see the girls with crazy mood swings. They see the girl with no reason to worry. They see the girl with a loving family and a good community. They see the girl with good friends. They see the girl who is smart. They see the girl that worries too much. They see an older sister. They see a precious daughter. But I don't. And that's when I realize it's all in my head.
#SuicidalThoughts #Selfharm #Depression #Anxiety #Fibromyalgia #Bipolar ? #OCD ? #possiblyautistic #maybeADHD #Misdiagnosis #Medication #afraidofmyself #cold #numb #Pain #Fear