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Living in Distortion

I don't quite understand how to fit in anymore. I am an adult right now, way past highschool age; but it seems I can't make friends like I used to.
Don't get me wrong I do have friends, but my illnesses are holding me hostage and it's getting harder and harder everyday to make commitments to anyone, friends or family. I don't want to be friendless, I just seem to be worn out by just living.
When I was younger I would mask my social flaws, because I learned you need to understand social stuff to get by. It seems like the older I get the less energy I have to get this tequnique down. I end up isolating myself, except for the fact I at least have my fiance and my kitty to keep me company, so I'm not completely alone, but I can't be "normal" out of my house anymore. This has been driving me crazy and I just don't understand why I can't hide my emotions anymore and why my abnormal social cues are coming back, like I feel like I'm back in kindergarten again, when any friends I had I would be distant from them, especially because I had random bouts of hitting myself and biting other kids ( luckily not biting anyone).
I have had a hard time expressing my self just like I did then, I keep trying to keep my hands under my legs (a copping mechanism I learned) when I get to frustrated but I keep having sneek attacks of hitting myself. I am worried about this because I used to give myself concussions and I fear I may have been doing it again.
If anyone else struggles with this, how have you learned to cope, because my copping skills are going down hill, I don't want to keep dealing with myself and others asking if I'm ok. #mentalillnessconfession #BrainFog #confused #Depersonalization /DerealizationDisorder #SocialAnxiety


I hate my mental illness

I had a bit of an oversharing/boundary problem with my therapist. I emailed him multiple times a week and many times it was multiple times a day. I recognized my issue and apologized and we talked it through. I’ve done very well the last several weeks and reached out to friends and the crisis text line when absolutely necessary. I had a session today through telehealth. I am currently at my daughters house and experienced a new scary experience and panicked and emailed him. Now I’m ashamed and afraid he’ll be upset at me for crossing boundaries. Not because of anything he’s done or said before, he’s a very kind understanding therapist but we set boundaries for a reason. I just don’t want to mess this up because I don’t want to start over again with a new therapist. 😭 #mentalillnessconfession #Shame #Therapy #Messedupfeeling #imessedup


I’m trying. #Depression #Anxiety #Broken

I’m trying. I really am.

But it’s difficult and I can’t help but feel like my demons are winning. Not for lack of me trying to keep them at bay. I take my meds, I repeat my affirmations daily, I keep in touch with my psychiatrist.... but still... I am falling. This whole quarantine has me messed up. My partner is taking the worst of it, I’ve shut him out, I don’t let him touch me. My kids are scared too, they see me day in... day out... emotionless, empty.

So today I tried. I got out of bed. I finally dyed my hair (I’ve been meaning to do weeks) and I took a shower. My self care kind of went down hill for a while. Because I didn’t care. But I am trying.

Baby steps....right? #BipolarDepression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #mentalillnessconfession


I feel so robbed!

It's as though throughout my life I have been robbed of peace, understanding and basic sympathy all because I'm "not normal". I've never felt safe, not even in my own home. But now I'm older, independent, strong! And I want more than the bare minimum, I want more than the compromise I've been living in to survive. Is that asking too much? #bipolarmind #mentalillnessconfession #warrior4life


Bad day but surviving #DeathWithDignity #mentalillnessconfession #yourenotalone

Today is a hard day. I work in mental health and manage my own PTSD and depression. Today I learned that one of my clients are not going to be with us much longer. They are in hospice care. On top of that I know I’m going to have to put my dog of 15 years down soon because she has infected teeth that can’t be fixed. The pain is horrible but I know both deaths will mean something. Right now all I want to do is cry. I’m afraid if I start to cry I won’t stop. Both are so loved and will be so missed. It’s an honor to have been a part of their journey.



In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take, relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waiting too long to make. 🖤

1 comment

That trauma. #mentalillnessconfession

I’ve been hurt countless time. I get so scared to get attached again because I think everyone that I might love afterwards just gonna hurt me. 🖤



I’ve tried many times. #mentalillnessconfession

I’m so afraid to tell them how I feel because I fear rejection, so I bury it deep inside myself where it only destroys me more. 🖤