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A wish to see my trauma for what it is

I have most likely been in survival mode my entire life without being aware of it.

Finally, the covid-experience has lead to me understanding that I 1) suffer from trauma and 2) was kept in isolation by a single caregiver during my childhood.

This abuser was neglectful and controlling. They were also proctective of themselves against being seen as a failed parent. I have taken on their view of me being something they need to minimize and keep at a distance.

I do not know when or how the abuse started.

By the same age as my abuser were, I have come to see that their behavior just doesn't make sense.

Most likely I have made myself validate their behavior out of survival instincts because I had nowhere to go and the truth was more painful than I could grasp.

I also had very few reference points for what people were supposed to be like.

I have defended the abuser against me.

I have defended the abuser against outside society questioning their behavior towards me and the consequences of abuse seen in me.

I have seen the abuser as helpless, to protect myself from seeing that they did have the choice to not be abusive.

I have not been able to see or hold on to the idea of me needing to escape.

I am now self-diagnosed, as I have very bad experience with medical health professional, with c-ptsd.

With this post I am hoping for validation for my own experience. I am not a weak, strange or evil being. I do have the ability to connect with others. I have been a child.

#CPTSD #complextrauma #StockholmSyndrome #ChildAbuse #Isolation #EmotionalNeglect #mindcontrol


MIND STOP!! #Anxiety

WHY??? I don't understand why our minds play with us like that!!!
I'm currently trying to do my project for school and I (my mind) keeps getting me distracted with all these fantasies/day dreaming crap! I honestly don't know how to describe it, I feel weird even writing it out and probably sound ridiculous. I just wish my mind can stop thinking or having me picture things that I don't want to know at that moment or at all! It's so annoying and I just sometimes want to stab my head! #overwhelmed #mindcontrol


I am a survivor of severe abuse.

I am #NotAshamed of being a #Survivor of severe and organised physical, sexual and emotional #Abuse including #mindcontrol . I have not done anything to deserve that, it is not my fault. In order to survive I've had to use #Dissociation as a strategy, and I am not ashamed of doing so, nor will I apologise for believing my own memories.

I'm weird at times, since I didn't have a chance to learn proper social skills growing up and dissociation doesn't deal with ' not being weird' unless it's a matter of survival. I'm okay with not being 'normal', whatever that means.

I am and will #staymighty .

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