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A wish to see my trauma for what it is

I have most likely been in survival mode my entire life without being aware of it.

Finally, the covid-experience has lead to me understanding that I 1) suffer from trauma and 2) was kept in isolation by a single caregiver during my childhood.

This abuser was neglectful and controlling. They were also proctective of themselves against being seen as a failed parent. I have taken on their view of me being something they need to minimize and keep at a distance.

I do not know when or how the abuse started.

By the same age as my abuser were, I have come to see that their behavior just doesn't make sense.

Most likely I have made myself validate their behavior out of survival instincts because I had nowhere to go and the truth was more painful than I could grasp.

I also had very few reference points for what people were supposed to be like.

I have defended the abuser against me.

I have defended the abuser against outside society questioning their behavior towards me and the consequences of abuse seen in me.

I have seen the abuser as helpless, to protect myself from seeing that they did have the choice to not be abusive.

I have not been able to see or hold on to the idea of me needing to escape.

I am now self-diagnosed, as I have very bad experience with medical health professional, with c-ptsd.

With this post I am hoping for validation for my own experience. I am not a weak, strange or evil being. I do have the ability to connect with others. I have been a child.

#CPTSD #complextrauma #StockholmSyndrome #ChildAbuse #Isolation #EmotionalNeglect #mindcontrol


Paranoia or reality? #PTSD #StockholmSyndrome

The plan is to go North to see my grandkids for Christmas and my birthday this Saturday. The thing is, my fiance, of 8 years as of yesterday, was going to fix my heater, but now decided to send it in instead. The garage isn't answering their phone or email, yet my man says take the car 200 mi North in the Winter. What ifs are taking over. What if that brake goes and I wind up frozen in a ditch with no cell service? Why does he seem to sabotage me at every turn? Could he not have planned this earlier so I could stop worrying and just go have a nice time with my kids? Now my birthday is Monday and he thinks that came up quickly. I said it's been a year...
I feel unappreciated.
I feel neglected.
I feel unloved.
I'm starting to think that he's either trying to keep me prisoner, or teach me that bad things happen when I leave. BUT, I have Stockholm Syndrome from a 3 year "relationship" 35 years ago that still bleeds into today.



It's been 35 years since I got myself free from my captor/love. Thank God, but my current 8th year fiance is taking the brunt of my dysfunction. He doesn't deserve it one little bit. I'm broken, and fear my distrust of his unwavering love for me is going to break us up in the long run.

I don't TRUST ( with good reason) after my 3 year captivity.
I don't think I ever really can, again.

Has ANYONE ELSE experienced this phenomenon? Did you ever get over it? What helped and what didn't?

I am seeking help, and am the first to hashtag this topic. I can't find a thing about Stockholm Syndrome here. Please help. I know it's a triggering subject, but if you can, please?