A wish to see my trauma for what it is
I have most likely been in survival mode my entire life without being aware of it.
Finally, the covid-experience has lead to me understanding that I 1) suffer from trauma and 2) was kept in isolation by a single caregiver during my childhood.
This abuser was neglectful and controlling. They were also proctective of themselves against being seen as a failed parent. I have taken on their view of me being something they need to minimize and keep at a distance.
I do not know when or how the abuse started.
By the same age as my abuser were, I have come to see that their behavior just doesn't make sense.
Most likely I have made myself validate their behavior out of survival instincts because I had nowhere to go and the truth was more painful than I could grasp.
I also had very few reference points for what people were supposed to be like.
I have defended the abuser against me.
I have defended the abuser against outside society questioning their behavior towards me and the consequences of abuse seen in me.
I have seen the abuser as helpless, to protect myself from seeing that they did have the choice to not be abusive.
I have not been able to see or hold on to the idea of me needing to escape.
I am now self-diagnosed, as I have very bad experience with medical health professional, with c-ptsd.
With this post I am hoping for validation for my own experience. I am not a weak, strange or evil being. I do have the ability to connect with others. I have been a child.
#CPTSD #complextrauma #StockholmSyndrome #ChildAbuse #Isolation #EmotionalNeglect #mindcontrol