To preface this, I invite you to take the time to invest in yourself: if you feel uncomfortable talking about h*lidays, then skip this post. I'm not in this for views. I'm in this for my health, and validating the experiences of others. That said, I'm gonna be real, and raw. No cussing, cuz I want people to enjoy the read without being too triggered, but real nonetheless.
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So, Thanksgiving... great time of year. I'm serious! Lots of fun times, lots of foooood. Yum... I'm a sucker for cranberry sauce from a can. Yep. I said it.
Also, lots of memories. Some great. Some good. Some not-so great. I learned about my DID on Dissociative Identity Disorder Awareness Day on 2018. Freaking joy, lemme tell you: two months of fear and questions came down to something I assumed made me a monster (thanks Split). But here's the thing. A lot of my disorder came from my upbringing. It came from a specific source I'm not going to name, because I'm about healing, not inflicting hurt publicly on those who did me wrong.
During the holidays, I see my fam. I see friends. The person that got me started on this path (for great, good, and bad) is there. And I love them. I hate them. I also recognize the choices this person has made has affected each of my siblings and our decisions for how we present ourselves to others.
DID isn't a joke. It's not a game. It's a suppression of negative feelings in order to deal with present negative circumstances. Your brain switches gears for a while, allowing your conscious mind to step back while your unconscious mind creates a persona that is better suited to solve the problems you face. At times, it's liberating and freeing and a tribute to the power of our minds. At other times, it's the most difficult thing you'll ever experience. Imaging talking to a dear friend about something heavy, something hard, and you want to support them, but suddenly you don't remember the last 15 minutes and all your friend can tell you is "Thanks for listening!" Yeah, great, they feel good, but the thought comes 'where was I for that? Did I really support you?'
So, when I get to the holidays and get around this person (acutally, these people, because it's more than one), I see the good, the bad, the great and the ugly. I cycle through my different identities like a prize wheel. My wife made efforts to ground me. Holding my hand. Touching me. Helping me be present when I started isolating and spacing out. I love her.
Here's my point, y'all: You have the RIGHT to pursue those that make your life a heaven, not a hell. But if you feel you are in a good place to reconsile your past, do it. Do it deliberately, not by accident, and not by aggression, but by the choice to analyze those bridges, and to decide in the most healthy way possible if those bridges really do need to be burnt. Mine don't. I'm happy for that. Also, find the person who will support you in your battles, not fight them for you, because YOU are strong. #muchlove
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