NewChapter

I felt like I was being used. He woud say you work in retail that’s nothing you sit around all day which was not true I was not a cashier I was a lead I taught went to other store to take certifications and to fix things up. I worked in the warehouse and unloaded trucks. I did the cashroom, I did overrides, I had meetings, I had to do resets, print out info for my associates. I did everything even fix computers. He was demeaning me making me feel what I do didn’t count didn’t matter wasn’t good enough. He would say I know women that work way harder then you and there never tired. What women? So after he was fully recovered he went on his men’s trip that he took every year to the beach. This time I had the flu and the kids. He left and as he walk out he asks do you need me to stay? First of all that was you just being nice so you won’t feel guilty and if he knew how I felt he would not have ever packed his bag. So after a week he returns. Later that night he says that the female he had been talking to on the computer she lives close by where they stayed and he made planes for her to pick him up. They went back to her place he says nothing happen that they just watched a movie he started feeling guilty and left, I was in shock. I was heartbroken that he even put his self in that position. To this day it bothers me. How selfish. So time goes by everything is still the same except now he’s home all the time and everything annoys him and he is rude and hurtful. One night while the kids were asleep we got into an altercation because I was fed up with being abused. He got mad and slammed his phone on the left side of my face so I grabbed a knife and stabbed him then called 911. Luckily the kids were asleep. I was immediately handcuffed and put in the back of the police car while husband got to speak with the cops. They ended up taking him as well because they don’t know who started it. My kids had to be woken by police officers and taken to my friends house across the street. All I kept think was of them and what they must be going through not knowing anything. We both spent one night in jail and released on our own recognizance. We both took a taxi home together and he apologized. We get home and just to see my kids made me feel 110% better. I lost my job I had to have reconstruction surgery on my left cheek bone they had to cut through my gums I drank from a straw seems like forever. We both tried a new start because well we love each other and from what I gather he didn’t know it would do that to my face and he seemed genuinely sorry. August of that year I was good healed so I started looking for work but only after my case was expunged. I started working and I got 2 jobs because both were part time. That December I was offered a supervisor spot at the job I like the most so I took it. I was so proud of myself then I felt that nervous panic feeling when he said I would have to work over 40 hours and some overnights. ——-> part 4 # caregiver #laxines

I recently got engaged ❤️ But a week later my ex messaged me wanting to apologize to everything he did to me. Not to get back together but to end in good terms. I told my boyfriend about it and how I wanted to respond back just to tell him everything I wanted to tell him. Since we never had closure. My ex is one of my main reasons for my CPTSD. And the fact that I even felt the courage to tell him off rather than hiding away I felt like maybe having that closure would help me from not being so scared any more. I'm so tired of my past coming back to haunt me. And maybe this is a way of confronting my fears and helping me start a new chapter in my life. I'm honestly so stressed and scared I feel like I'm having a psychosis episode.

Starting the second job today!! Butterflies and nerves create opportunity for my anxiety to poison my positivity. Plus, not feeling 100% definitely arouses my anxiety, and depression, but I’m excited for this new chapter, and I think I just need to remind myself that I can do this. Self-efficacy transforms self-doubt into actionable confidence. Going to try and use that today!

Happy Wednesday everyone! Hope y’all have great days!