Join the Conversation on
104 people
0 stories
10 posts
Explore Our Newsletters
What's New in
See full photo

Hello. Thanks for reaching out to me. I appreciate it. If I’m being honest I’m not doing that great. I am really struggling with dissociation, self injury and thoughts about suicide. I have bipolar I and I must be stuck in a depressive episode to be having these thoughts, but I don’t feel depressed. I feel agitated and irritated, like attacking myself and smashing things. I feel like crying and laughing throwing my phone. (I, of course am not doing those things, deciding rather, to maintain self control.) I feel like a drawing by a three year old. I feel like a three year old. I feel out of control even though my outward appearance and behavior appears calm. I hate having to sit with these feelings until they pass. I’m just trying not to make things worse. Anywho. Things will get better. Nothing is permanent… thanks for listening. #BipolarI #CPTSD #Emotionaldisregulation #selfhelpnotselfharm #nonattachment #nonpermanence #fromamountainofdispaircomesastoneofhope

(A drawing that I did that represents my current reality)

See full photo

The One Where I Change Therapists

Sometimes I feel like I’m in a F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Or Modern Family episode. Today’s mood is definitely Modern Family. I’ve always related to Alex Dunphy, yet behaved at times like Hailey. Compared myself to my siblings like Claire. Dreamt big like Phil. Manipulated like Gloria. Loved my puppy like Jay loves Stella. Wrote poetry like Manny and been oblivious like Luke.

Sooooo, in today’s episode..

Here goes nothing - or everything!

So, today I saw a new therapist. Same conclusion, I need to get my shit together but somehow comforted and trusting her. There was something about my other therapist that I find intimidating. Now, I can only be thankful for all her help- it doesn’t make her a bad therapist, her job with me was done. I learned how to cope and functioning again after rehab, and she was there in urgent times of need. We laughed, joked and worked together. I’ll stop myself from including “but’s” or “what if”. I chose to change therapists because I didn’t feel safe enough to be honest, fact that I told my now therapist... She didn’t leave me homework this time, and I feel so relieved. I’m going to reward myself with a cup of sugar free almond milk with low-carb natural stevia, and watch my uncle’s memoir service online. I’m sorry I missed your live memoir, dearest uncle, I was helping my Higher Power save my life through therapy, I know you want me happy. Please pray that I get my dream job.

I still want to move the fuck out of my house, yet feel safe again with my very own set of Dunphys 🧡🤓🤦🏻‍♀️.

#Thankfulforsupport #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Emotionaldisregulation #Therapy #NewChapter #congratulations


Borderline personality diagnosis

So...my psychiatrist told me that it sounds like I have BPD. She didnt think it was "necessary" to put it down on my medical record. I'm thinking this is because of how people, even professionals, look at sufferers of BPD as being bad scary people??? Ofcourse i've questioned myself as being both those thing for most my life...I don't have any serious friends now because (obvious reasons lol) I just suck at keeping friends. I wish i had a friend that was aware and accepting of me and wouldn't hate me after showing my emotions--but it's like everyone runs away. My last "friend" ended up alienating me (just like so many before) and when I asked her about it she said that we were just two different people in two different places in life??? It is so frustrating. I feel like an alien. Maybe aliens would be more acepting? 🤔 lol #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #frustrated #hypersensitive Personality Disorder #alienated #Emotionaldisregulation


Fear of fireworks

My 6 year old sat crying on my lap in the dark tonight. She’s afraid of fireworks.

Later, my 9 year old sat crying in the car. She’s afraid of my emotional fireworks. Her mom, my wife is, too.

The six year old wanted the firemen to stop the street fireworks when we drove home. My 9 year old cried and asked if mommy would have to call the police to find me tonight. I didn’t know until that moment that she knew. But I guess I lied to myself and hoped she didn’t.

My wife screamed in the dark and told me she’s done. The kids cried and the darkness enveloped me and our friends comforted her as she walked away. Again, I was alone.

And now my tears keep falling in a starburst crescendo. The pain I’ve caused, the fear and despair and worry, its heavy on my soul. I’ve done it so often it’s now just anticipated.

How can I unfuck my mind? How can I stop being me? I am strong and committed, and then it falls apart when I’m not looking. I’m breaking everything I hold most dear and the pain and self-loathing is getting worse.

I am strong enough to fight for being better. But the pain I see in the eyes of my love, and the fear I hear in my children’s sobs, may be too much.

#Depression #Suicide #Emotionaldisregulation


Too much #MajorDepressiveDisorder #PTSD #SocialAnxiety #Emotionaldisregulation #DissociationDisorders

For many years I have been living openly with my mental health issues. Sometimes, everything is just too much too handle. Today I’m not OK. I went to therapy with a new one which was really good. It is hard to live with this. In wellness I maybe forget. I’m sinking. I’m experiencing all kinds of loss, triggers and stress none of which I can control or manage or step away from. On top of that my first priority is a mom. It is just all too much, too hard and too long a road with no pleasant view ahead. Thanks for listening.


How do you talk to loved ones about your feelings without getting way too worked up and end up frustrating them and yourself? #Emotionaldisregulation #Dysthymia #ADHD #Selfharm #frustrated #Anxiety #SuicidalThoughts

A change in medication recently sent me into a spiral that I haven’t been on in years. The highs and lows of my extreme emotions brought back long buried suicidal thoughts and the urge (and eventual follow through) of self-harm.
Trying to talk to my husband about all of this has been extremely difficult. My (over)reaction to every tiny thing has been so intense that it is causing arguments between my husband and I. He has a hard time dealing with emotions and mine are so over the top right now.
I don’t know how to explain my feelings and what I need from him without us both getting angry.


Being #BPD

My bpd symptoms are acting up so badly. My partner just got back from two weeks in another country and I only saw him for a few hours the night he returned. Since then I have been so needy, almost naggy, and feeling lonely and abandoned if he doesn’t answer though I know he has 3 jobs and a cold right now. Then I beat myself up for being a “psycho” and worry he is upset at me too. When he tells me he’s not, I feel so ashamed of how I act. I haven’t been this bad in ages! It’s bringing me down so badly.
#CheckInWithMe #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Emotionaldisregulation #PersonalityDisorders


Dreaming with BPD?

I had a horrible nightmare and I couldn’t shake it off. I find nightmares especially difficult, and they usually are about being abandoned by the people who care about me. This one was about #Suicide . Thinking about it again got me wondering, does anyone else with #BPD find that their emotion disregulation and distress intolerance extends to dreams as well, and not just real-life events?
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #dreams #Nightmares #MoodDisorders #Emotionaldisregulation #EmotionalRegulationDisorder #Sleep


No Cops, no hospital.

I might have ruined a relationship last night and alienated additional people. But nobody realized I was suicidal, which is a win. Most nights like last night I can only be thankful that I’m not locked up and I can refocus on burning my relationships down from the comfort of my own home. #Suicide #BPD #Relationships #Emotionaldisregulation #Mindfulness

1 comment