Nothappy

Today I had an overwhelming feeling of nothingness
As I stare blankly into the abyss
I ask myself "why I am alive"
I know its greedy to feel like that
To feel like a whole is dug so deep there is no getting out
I just want scream I just want to shout

A dark room, so blind to the light, I don't have it in me I can't win this fight
Paralyzed with this feeling
Crippled by these words
Walking on a thin line, everything is blurred.

I've tried so many ways to make so many people happy when all i need to do was make myself happy. I'm done trying, i'm done being the good girl people want me to be. I'm ready to end this mess of myself. I've tried asking for help in my case but no one seems to have all of the answers so i'm quieting this life of mine and starting a new one in heaven with my grandmother who cared for me, helped me, saved me from the abuse. I don't know if there is anyone out there who care but i'm done!

I forgot a very important date for my BFF today. She had an appointment for a biopsy and I completely forgot!  I had it in my calendar but I forgot to set the reminder.

I'm devastated.  Crushed.  Deflated.  She said she was disappointed and hurt that I forgot and I don't blame her. She said I can sometimes be self absorbed.  Here is what she wrote:

Honestly, I'm hurt you didn't remember.  You knew how scared I was and you said you would be "there every step of the way".

I was sitting in the waiting room at the hospital shaking like leaf and I get a text from you telling me how bummed you are about your job.  I listen to all your issues about anxiety, depression, money and/or job.  I may not always be able to to help you but I do pay attention.

I know this sounds harsh but I'm truly hurt that you didn't remember this ONE thing of mine.

I know you have tough time dealing with things day to day and I truly worry about you but you can sometimes be too self involved.  
If it's OK, I'm going to pass on Saturday.  I love you but I need a break".

We had plans to do some gardening at my place.  She's been helping me because I have zero gardening experience and her garden always looks so professional and lovely.

I can't imagine what she must think of me.  Of what her husband must think of me.

I'm truly devastated and not in a good place right now. She means everything to me. I did something to hurt her.  I don't know if I can ever forgive myself.

I totally get it. I do talk about my issues too much. I hope I have not lost my best friend of 34 years. I could not live without her. I'm such a burden and a bother and a loser.  FML.

#Nothappy #verysad #regret #Heartbroken #dissapointment

So I said I was depressed one time and no one took me seriously, they thought I was kidding....who could blame them...I’m always laughing and I look happy. Don’t nobody know what happens deep inside of you...I thought I was alone and unworthy, with no one to talk to ... until I found this app that lets me know I’m not alone and I connect with other people. Thank God. #depressed #Nothappy #alone #help #Notloved