regret

So I had this close friend whom I confided to about every belief, thought and even deep seeded trauma . Our relationship was strictly friendship although we both knew we were attracted to each other, nothing went beyond being confidants to each other. However, our connection went deeper, it’s as if we’ve known each other from past lives? Familiar soul? Call it what it is.

Around November 2020, he got some news regarding one of his family members. He was distraught, but didn’t delve into it. I had a feeling it was regarding his mom. I tried to offer a shoulder but he lashed out in anger instead, saying a lot of hurtful stuff, throwing my trauma back to my face. In short saying I deserved what bad things happened to me. I blocked his number, I thought that was the end of that.

Around July 2021, he tried to reach out to me. Voicemails saying he missed me, even though he’s blocked he was able to leave me voicemails. I didn’t respond for a while, I was really contemplating if I should or not. I missed him too, I also missed talking to him but the words he told me can never be forgotten. It hurt me to the core.

It wasn’t until January 2022 that I finally responded to one of his attempts. I asked if he remembered the last conversation we had. According to him he said he did and apologized, said he didn’t mean any of those words and was spoken out of anger. I forgave him but told him to forget he ever knew me. I was laying my boundaries down and I cannot let someone speak to me or about me the way he did to be a part of my life moving forward. We lost communication.

September 2022, I found myself thinking about him out of nowhere, playing the last conversation in my head. Have I made a mistake? No matter what I did to distract myself, the thought of him kept coming in. I gave in and looked him up on social media, I then found out he had passed, suddenly, at 37 years old. I tried to read through the rest of the posts about the event, trying to figure out the cause. Nothing was said but that it was sudden as he had no health issues. Never met his family so it would’ve been awkward to reach out and ask.

I don’t even know what to feel now. Am I grieving? Is it guilt? Did he harm himself because of his mom and he was reaching out to me and I turned him away? It’s been a year now since I’ve learned the news but I find it hard to move on regardless because his passing date happens to share my son’s birthday. I’m just lost at this point, I don’t know how or what to feel.

#depressed #Grief #regret #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

I have a intrusive thoughts which infect my mind and make it difficult to concentrate. They start the minute I wake up and do not cease until I go back to sleep. I have many hobbies and try to keep my mind occupied but the evil thoughts replay over and over.

When I was physically assaulted over ten years ago I never thought that I would continue to experience flashbacks and trauma from the incident. I have been in fights before and thought it would become another distant memory of something unfortunate. My experience has been completely different and I am stuck in a never ending loop of sorrow and pity.

The attack causes me major mental health issues that I can't move on from. I am stuck in a negative cycle of pain and suffering. The image of the attack repeats in my mind. I see the faceless images of multiple attackers and the fear of reliving the incident is ever present. I am afraid of what's in store for me as I battle to focus on what's important.

It is difficult to describe the incident as it involves anger, betrayal and resentment. The only thing I know for sure is that it leaves me empty and insecure. These people purposefully sought to hurt me and they were successful.

I hate to say it but my mental health has deteriorated to the point where I am miserable. I hate my life and I am aware of the holes I keep digging are damaging me further. I blame my mother and father for a lot of my problems whether it is their fault or not. They did their best but had unrealistic expectations and when I was unable to achieve the impossible goals they had set for me I spiralled in to a deep depression.

This depression has followed me for years and the more I let it control my life - the more pain it causes me. I have never dealt with any of the negative emotions that fill my mind. I bottled everything up and pretended I was fine. I am at the point where I don't see anything improving and I want to hurt the few people I have left.

I really wish I could end on something positive but my life has become a merry go round of pain, sorrow and regret. I hate myself in more ways than one and I need help but the road to recovery is fraught with feelings of guilt and resentment.

EDIT: I am fully aware that my posts are very much a pity party. I am hurting inside and just desperately want to feel better.

#Depression #Misery #Sadness #hurt #Pain #TheMighty #MightyTogether #MentalHealth #feelings #unhappy #Relationships #Friendship #Love #Trauma #PTSD #challenges #Life #Death #advertisy #friend #peace #Emotion #flasback #Lettinggo #scar #regret #compassion #Thoughts #Mindfulness #Anxiety #reserved #Respect #peace

Why do I always run away from love? I run away from it because I fear it, I fear rejection, I fear not being good enough, I fear being vulnerable, I fear getting hurt. In my head, I know that love is not always rainbows and butterflies, but I still have this habit of running away from it rather than experiencing it. I was in a sexual relationship with a guy I used to talk to for five years. We weren't exclusively dating or anything like that. We were having casual fun together. I stood up for myself and told him this sexual relationship that we had going on had to stop, he understood, and we agreed to be friends. We became close friends, and there were times I pushed him away. Now that we're not friends anymore, I regret breaking things off with him because I know there is still love there. He was someone who truly and genuinely loved and cared for me and wanted to be with me, but then that fear popped up in my head. It's probably too late for me to get him back. Ugh, this sucks so bad.

I need your help to name an emotion.

Shame is defined when we feel something is shameful about us.

Regret is defined when we feel regretful of doing something in the past.

What is the emotion when we feel shame about FOR EXAMPLE having chronic illness? By that, I do not mean that, er feel something is bad about us; but we feel such a shame I have this in my life whereas others don't have.

What is name of this emotion?

#Emotion #chronic #Shame #regret #emotional #Feeling

Negative thinking in Addiction is ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO NOT FALL INTO. I have asked myself and colleagues who are in Recovery, ( ALL STAGES) have did any of you wake one day and SAY , TODAY IS THE DAY I BECOME AN ADDICT? Was it the role that your family inadvertently had a part in the decision to make sure that YOU WERE THE SCAPEGOAT FOR THE MISERY IN THE FAMILY? But really it was US who were the STRONGEST PEOPLE IN THE FAMILY, mentally.