So I had this close friend whom I confided to about every belief, thought and even deep seeded trauma . Our relationship was strictly friendship although we both knew we were attracted to each other, nothing went beyond being confidants to each other. However, our connection went deeper, it’s as if we’ve known each other from past lives? Familiar soul? Call it what it is.
Around November 2020, he got some news regarding one of his family members. He was distraught, but didn’t delve into it. I had a feeling it was regarding his mom. I tried to offer a shoulder but he lashed out in anger instead, saying a lot of hurtful stuff, throwing my trauma back to my face. In short saying I deserved what bad things happened to me. I blocked his number, I thought that was the end of that.
Around July 2021, he tried to reach out to me. Voicemails saying he missed me, even though he’s blocked he was able to leave me voicemails. I didn’t respond for a while, I was really contemplating if I should or not. I missed him too, I also missed talking to him but the words he told me can never be forgotten. It hurt me to the core.
It wasn’t until January 2022 that I finally responded to one of his attempts. I asked if he remembered the last conversation we had. According to him he said he did and apologized, said he didn’t mean any of those words and was spoken out of anger. I forgave him but told him to forget he ever knew me. I was laying my boundaries down and I cannot let someone speak to me or about me the way he did to be a part of my life moving forward. We lost communication.
September 2022, I found myself thinking about him out of nowhere, playing the last conversation in my head. Have I made a mistake? No matter what I did to distract myself, the thought of him kept coming in. I gave in and looked him up on social media, I then found out he had passed, suddenly, at 37 years old. I tried to read through the rest of the posts about the event, trying to figure out the cause. Nothing was said but that it was sudden as he had no health issues. Never met his family so it would’ve been awkward to reach out and ask.
I don’t even know what to feel now. Am I grieving? Is it guilt? Did he harm himself because of his mom and he was reaching out to me and I turned him away? It’s been a year now since I’ve learned the news but I find it hard to move on regardless because his passing date happens to share my son’s birthday. I’m just lost at this point, I don’t know how or what to feel.