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I broke. Now what do I do?

I was seconds and inches from hitting my breaking point for far too long. I knew it was coming, just didn't know what it was going to be like. I thought I'd yell at the wrong person, or make a bad decision with ugly consequences, but no. Stressed out to the max, unable to cope, unwilling to continue on this downward spiral and fighting non-stop to hold on because there HAS to be more to life than this....

I had a stroke. It didn't hurt and I wasn't even alarmed or concerned because I didn't realize anything bad was happening. I just felt... blank. This was 2 weeks ago now and none of my stress has diminished. It has compounded actually.

I don't know what to do. Deep down inside, I know I'm dying. I don't want to though. I want to live long enough to at least figure out who tf to take this out on besides myself. I'd really like to know if I'm more angry... scared...or sad at my own loss. I hate that these words apply to my real life- I'm not just setting the scene for a character in one of my books.

I don't know what to do. Please at least tell me I'm not alone. I am feeling soooo lost right now. #TraumaticBrainInjury #PTSD #Depression #CPTSD #Ataxia #PissedOff

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Stop the Insanity, We have a Bill of rights as patients!

Yesterday on The Mighty I saw quite a few people as I often do talk about their horrible service they have received or have received from doctors. I’m a former nurse going through Hell trying to get treatment for an eating disorder that started over a year ago, I am 83 pounds. It started as I had reactions to food and chemicals now full blown. My husband also has life threatening blood clots in both legs and his lungs, all because they don’t want to listen to me regarding his care. I have literally saved his life 5 times in the last five years and all my hard work was undone in just 7 days. We are not the only ones, I know. I encourage everyone to look up your patients bill of rights, learn them and when met by ANY medical professional that you find troubling, let them know you have rights and they are violating them. We do not have to put up with substandard care, EVER! We all have a voice. I care about everyone here and it’s heartbreaking as well as frustrating to see. They will never be held accountable for their actions unless WE speak up and speak out. We are not substandard people and we don’t deserve substandard care. If you made it to the end of this, Thank you 🙏 Take control of your Health and Be Well ! You are loved and you matter to me. ❤️💯 #Anxiety #rights
#MentalHealth #Anorexia #nomore
#Human #notcrazy #PissedOff


God give me the strength.

I am literally losing my shit as I'm typing this on my phone. I'm so fucking sick of having to out myself as a femme lesbian, not that I care anymore, because men are blowing up my instant messaging, I'm asking them if they're in crisis, one laughed, blocked that dickhead. Now tonight, while relaxing, scrolling through Pinterest I hear a ding, someone named Scott. I'm like, don't mean to be rude but I'm a lesbian, let me explain it for you, and BTW, I'm married to a woman. I'm literally in the fucking verge of saying, bye mighty, it's been fun, until you brought this bullshit instant messaging. I, and others, should not have to constantly be blocking assholes from bothering us. #PissedOff


the dygnosied

tonight I am pissed. I am pissed that my brain is fucked up because I was born to the wrong father. I didn't deserve the childhood I received. I don't deserve the brain I have that subconsciously creates the same environment I grew up in. tonight I am pissed off that I am boardline. I dont want to be a victim. I want to be in recovery.
#PissedOff #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #CPTSD #ChildhoodAbuse

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shit #EDSAwareness #Disability #ChronicIllness

I was up and reasonably mobile today until my blood pressure plummeted without warning and I blacked out. Fell and dislocated my shoulder and ripped ligaments 😩 seems like I’m destined to stay in bed for another week. #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #Pain #Falling #PissedOff


You LIED to me!?! And what are you? A sheep!? #Undiagnosed #MentalHealth #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #BipolarDiorder #Anxiety

Has anyone with mental health issues and an undiagnosed chronic illness/pain ever been blatantly lied to at the ER about a medication? Last week I had a colonoscopy and throat scope to see if my chronic pain was from GI stuff. It looked normal. I’m pretty sure now that the pain is from my endometriosis now, but that’s neither here nor there. So later that day, my son head butts me in the stomach and about twenty minutes later I’m in the worst pain. Obviously we wanted to make sure nothing was wrong since I had had a procedure earlier in the day, plus I kinda wanted something for the pain. We get to the ER and they get me in fairy quickly and the doc says he doesn’t like to give opiates to people that have been suffering with chronic abdominal pain, but that he could give me a GI cocktail that would help. I found that a little weird since no other doc I’d ever seen had trouble pumping me full of drugs, but whatever, as long as it helped with the pain i didn’t care. I mean they could have used voodoo on me and as long as it worked i would not have cared. So the nurse gives me some medication through the IV they put in. I ask what it is. She says Haldol and Ativan. Now I know what Ativan is and does, but I’ve never heard of Haldol, so, like any person who is concerned about what is going into their body I ask her. She says, and this is verbatim, “It helps with nausea and pain.” Something didn’t sound right about that, as in my many years of random pain and nausea, I’ve never had a med that did both. I’ve always had to have like zophran and then the pain med. I tried to look it up, but i couldn’t spell it and even google was like, i got nothin. At the time I just wanted relief from the pain so I was like, sounds good to me! The pain did go down, it didn’t go away as it NEVER goes away, but I was able to loosen up enough that I wasn’t tensing and making it worse. Fast forward to yesterday at my therapy session. I was telling my therapist all about it and the drug that was for pain and nausea and she was just like, “ummmm Haldol is an antipsychotic, it does neither of those things.” Cue my faith in that particular ER crumbling. They straight up lied to me, ya’ll. They treated me like a psych case because they could find anything “wrong” with me. They saw my mental health diagnoses and the buck stopped there. I couldn’t sleep last night so I accessed my health records and read the report. It was very professionally worded, but basically said, we’re recommending follow up with GI to cover our asses, but we think it’s either severe anxiety or she just wants drugs. And it didn’t help that at my colonoscopy the nurses had to stick me six times because they couldn’t find a vein so I looked like I had freaking track marks up and down my arm. I wrote a lengthy complaint and now I’m just waiting on a reply. As anyone else had an experience like this? #PissedOff



i don’t know how many posts i’ve made tonight - some of them pretty darned brilliant and well-thought out, to say nothing of insightful and incredibly helpful 😄😄😄 - and they’ve just gone POOF! goddamn that makes me mad 😡