#SexualTrauma . I have recently suffered a pulmonary embolism, blood clots in my lungs. As part of the follow up I have to have a transvaginal scan. I know it’s important, but I am terrified about the memories, flashbacks, dissociation etc. My abuse started at the age of about 5 with things being pushed inside me before it escalated over time.
I have avoided smear tests and sex for a long time, even though I’m married, but the thought of this scan, of the position I will have to lie in and what they will push inside me is really scary.
I don’t have anyone one to come with me, I wouldn’t want anyone to be there while those parts of my body are exposed. I will probably be fine during it, but react when I get home, when I’m completely alone.
I also have bipolar disorder and can be prone to harming when distressed. I wondered about letting my psychiatrist know to see if he could just talk me through how to get through this, but he is difficult to get in touch with and I done have an appointment for another 2 months.
I wondered about writing it down and giving it to the radiographer person. I’m not sure I can find the words to say it out loud.
I would welcome any suggestions, it’s important that I do this and it could be the difference between life and death if I get another embolism.