I have an important announcement.
Fruity Pebbles are da bomb🤯
My inner war looks like passive aggression when people intentionally ignore my boundaries.
It’s really me stopping myself from exploding from all the times my boundaries have been cross and I either did say anything or spoke up and still they decided to disrespect me.
As much as my previous relationships was dysfunctional to a large extent I do miss parts of it. The physical touch, the attention and some other parts. I don’t want the relationship back just missing the little bits. Especially when my anxiety is bad I want a safe place and to me it feels like as much as it was a bad situation it did feel safe occasionally.
When you think all eyes are on you and you hear whispers of mockery and you feel like your fading away, because you keep your distance. You are plagued by guilt, and the voices echo around you. You keep hearing them over and over again and you succumb to defeat you surrender and let their thoughts win, you keep their suggestions and think of yourself too low and filthy.
Sometimes it‘s hard on here. I really like to help where I can but sometimes I feel like there‘s nothing I could do to make it better. If I could, I‘d save the whole world. There are days when I read some posts, I‘m utterly sad because I don‘t know how to help anymore. Sometimes I even wonder if some people can still be helped. This is knocking me down the past days. I‘m battling, too, and I want to help the whole world but I‘m not a superhero. I‘m fighting hard enough with my own issues, who am I to help people? I believe that everyone deserves saving but sometimes I first have to save myself before I’m able to save others. It‘s just so sad that we all have to endure so much. We‘re here together, but still we‘re fighting our thoughts on our own, aren‘t we?
No more anxiety during unpredictable situations. I don't care about the "thrills" of life anymore. I would rather have things smooth and meodicre than unknowable and surprising. I just hate having to be surprised and getting an anxiety attack after. Who knows whether I'll be able to deal with the pain or not. It is so difficult to manage anxiety, that's why. It's ruining me down to the bone.
Is some shit gonna happen? Okay, but just tell me the details. Don't tell me that my cat's dying, my grades are failing, or my friendships are fading without warning. I just hate unexpected pain. It would be better for me to live a boring life than a shitty one. Change now sucks these days.
I want to stop risking everything for some shit that wouldn't come to me anyway.
In this way I would never worry again.
I really want to end it. I just can't cope with life anymore. I have no support at all (apart from my kids) and I know its not fair on them. I m in the UK. My partner doesn't want to understand. Just criticises. I know that throw away random comment or action by a colleague today could tip me over. I apologise for the random thoughts but it does help to write it down.