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He rescued me...

Until his mental and psychological abuse started taking over. Now it feels worse than the physical abuse I received from other men. Bruises heal, words stay on replay in your mind forever. I had a full on breakdown not that long ago and some of the things he said to me after that were just too much. He calls me mean and nasty, he calls me a bitch, he's said I'm "a piece of work", a pathological liar... He said something about my body not long ago that makes me feel a million times more self conscious than I did before he ever said those words to me. He treats me more like a maid or that I'm an ordinary person and not his wife and constantly says he's going to leave and/or divorce me if I don't get our house "in order" and do it pretty much by myself because that's my "job" as a stay at home wife and mother. The depression, sadness and defeat I feel is the worse I have ever felt in my life. I don't know who this man is anymore. I cry every day, multiple times a day. The panic/anxiety attacks are unreal and I have to hide them the best I can because if I take even take my dr prescribed medication, he'll still call me an addict, but he can have the hell does that work?? I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest 24 hours a day. Of course he can talk trash to me, be condescending, narcissistic, conniving, call me names, get in my face, have an attitude or yell at me but God forbid I stand up for myself...

#Narcisist #verbalabuse #Controlling #EmotionalAbuse #MentalHealth #selfconcious #Depression #Anxiety #PanicAttacks #worthless #unloved #PTSD

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I’m a worthless POS again…

According to my husband. He lashed out on me because of something the “normal” person would have just left it alone. It’s almost everything I do, everything I say… he always has an answer for it. I’m a recovering addict and I’ve been clean now for well over 60 days. You’d think he’d be happy that I’m in my right mind and taking the prior steps to better myself but nope that’s not the case. I had some clean laundry to fold on the couch and had left it there for few days because sometimes it’s hard for me just to get out of bed because of my MDD and anxiety disorders so I try and do what I can nd he knows it. I thought when I turned my life around there would be no more excuses really to put me down but damn I was wrong. I have no friends, to him he doesn’t want me to make any mot likely for the fear of going back out. But I need emotional support. He’s supposed to be my anchor, my go to person, not the person who I’ve been married to for 14 years who I can’t even have a convo with him because what I say is pointless pretty much. I came on here to express my feelings. I have no one else. It’s been hard. I thought getting clean not only for myself woulkd be full of happiness but I was wrong. I’m currently unemployed due to health issues and he doesn’t mind me staying home but I’m beginning to think he’s got me right where he wants me, no matter if I do something right or wrong. Thanks for listening for this who took the time out of their day to hear me out. It means the world to me. #Narcisist #recoveringaddict #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Anxiety #PanicAttacks

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Chronic Pain vs Narcisistic Abuse via Health

I thought I’d share my experience as to why I waited so long to get answers for my chronic pain that ended up being #AnkylosingSpondylitis

My grandmother (my mom’s mother) is a narcissist, abuser, and just so happens to be chronically ill on top of that. Long story short, for my mom’s entire life my grandmother has used her various illnesses as a means to control those around her and guilt them into submission. It warped my mom’s perspective on those with chronic pain or illness, so for many years she would be easily triggered by any mention of pain that you couldn’t see with the naked eye. Basically, if you weren’t bleeding or something like that, it was surely a manipulation tactic and not an actual problem.

Fast forward to when I was ten. I started having horrid back pain. I tell mom, she says it’s growing pains. I keep telling her it still hurts. She gets triggered, I get shut down. This goes on for many years, into adulthood. I hesitated to tell her for so long that getting up in the mornings was excruciating, that I would randomly get so tired that I couldn’t function, and that everyday was a random draw of the cards - will I be on too much pain to even stand, or will I have enough energy to run three miles during gym?

Two years ago, my mother and I finally stepped away from the family, specifically my grandmother. And we’ve been having very intense honest talks - a lot being about how I couldn’t tell her about my pain, and her realizing how much I’ve been struggling since I was 10 (my older brother with nonverbal #Autism being diagnosed with AS also contributed to the conversation really opening up).

Ever since we’ve stepped away, I’ve felt more accepting of the fact that something is wrong and that it’s not all “in my head.” I recently got a diagnosis after all these years of not knowing, and started physical therapy and will be seeing a rheumatologist for the first time later this month. I have to catch myself from crying every time a doctor says things like “YOUR ankylosing…” or “YOUR chronic pain.” It’s so nice to be heard 😭❤️

I do have to mention that I’m pretty lucky to have a mom that is willing to work on these things and to apologize for not handling it well. We are working together to make sure the generational trauma and cycle of abuse ends with us. But we still trip up on occasion. Now that I have gotten some acknowledgement of my pain, I’m having a hard time not making it my entire personality 😂 I’m finding the balance with time. And she sometimes will get triggered and might knee-jerk into old habits, but she’s working on that as well.

Thanks for reading my rambling 🙈

#Diagnosis #ChronicIlless #ChronicPain #Narcisist #generationaltrauma #Abuse #manipulation


How to stop being addicted to a narcissist #Narcisist #Narcasisticabuse

How do you stop giving a narcissist power? I KNOW all I am doing is wrong but I feel like I can’t stop.... I’m addicted.
I’ll go 10 days them bam- I feel guilt and send a message... it’s rediculous and I know doesn’t get me anywhere because they believe I’m wrong and they are completely right. I just can’t stop! It’s infuriating!