sa

***TW: mentions of SA and r@pe****

I'm sitting at my desk, staring at my screen, my chest tightening and my seemingly endless headache droning on. I feel anxious, I feel alone, I am waiting for someone to write, for a little notification to appear. The only comfort I can find to distract myself is music, but it hurts my head more, so I have to sit in silence.

I am not a very introverted person: I have my group of friends, I have family, I go to school, and I work, yet I feel as though I have no one. I feel betrayed, as though they don't actually care. For once, I think this feeling is justified. This summer I was working at a small winery in the mountains, and it was an incredible experience. I got to work alongside friends of mine in the fields, in nature. The last night I was there, we went out drinking and to karaoke. **TW** My "friend" ended up walking me home "so I could be safe", but instead forced himself into my room and r@ped me. He did this the night before I left, so I know it was planned. This was in June. When I got home, I couldn't get myself to tell anyone. After around a month, I ended up telling my dad, and he said he was sorry I went through that, but it was part of life and asked if I was wearing anything revealing. He said that when I look like this, it was inevitable. I tried telling my very close friend, but he ghosted me. I have tried bringing it up with my other friend, but she was uncomfortable and asked me why I didn't fight back and take legal action (I am living in a country where the legal system is very hard to navigate, especially for cases like this). I feel so alone, and betrayed. I am surrounded by people, but I am getting no support. I am trying to continue going through life taking care of my sister, working, studying, being happy and acting like everything is fine but it's not. I feel betrayed that someone could take advantage of my trust in such a horrible way. I feel abandoned by my friend who left me when I needed him the most. I feel like I want to hide, I can't trust anyone anymore. I just want someone to tell me they love me, it's ok, it's not my fault. I want someone to not judge and persecute me or leave me to deal with things all alone. I want someone to care. I always end up dealing with things alone, this is not the first time I have been hurt, and whenever I break down, I am called "lazy". Not only that, but I have to deal with all sorts of family and money issues, as well as worry about my grandma's health...I'm tired.

Just a little rant, haven't been on here for a while. I hope you are all doing well, and remember to remind the people in your life that they are loved. Love one another, love your community, and remember that even though the world seems to be getting meaner, doesn't mean there isn't kindness out there.

#Depression #Trauma #Anxiety #sa #BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Stress #lonely