sexual assault

I've heard it all, they're your family you need to love them. They're your family, they don't mean it. On and on it goes. Unless you've come from a toxic family like myself I feel like people won't understand. It took me a long time to label my experiences as abuse and I guess this was because I kept comparing my experiences to that of others. My experiences with abuse weren't particularly violent so I didn't think I was abused. Now I know that I was, just because I was never hit doesn't mean that I was not abused. Words are just as damaging as physical abuse and I know firsthand the impact of cruel words. It took me a while to label the emotional abuse as emotional abuse. Some of the consequences I live with include PTSD, trouble understanding and regulating my emotions, trouble opening up, trouble trusting and trouble relating to others that weren't abused.

I'm trying really hard to heal those aspects of myself but the anger I feel at having been emotionally abused doesn't compare to the shame I feel from being sexually abused and sexually assaulted. Sometimes I drown in the shame. Because it was family that abused me, I bristle when asked about my family. Why don't you talk to them? Why don't you see them? I don't feel like getting into it so I just say it's complicated. Yet people want details. Bringing up family brings up painful memories and feelings.

I recently came to the realization that they are truly bad people. Doesn't matter who they are. This realization breaks my heart and I cried so much after learning that. I don't miss them and what they did but I do struggle with wishing things were different. I have been in therapy for 3 years and have accomplished a lot but I still have a long way to go. So please respect my desire to not talk about them. That's all I ask. And yet people don't get it. No, I don't love them anymore and no I don't want to see them. I need my space to heal and grow. That's what I need right now.

#SexualAbuse #SexualAssault #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Family #Healing

Ever since I was sexually abused and assaulted I find myself getting triggered at night. I am not afraid of the dark-I am afraid of what happens in the dark. I am trying to come up with a relaxing bedtime routine that involves calming music and meditation. Because the abuse only ended a few years ago, I still find myself crying over it. Depending on how badly I get triggered I have nightmares and can't breathe. If I am mildly triggered then I am severely anxious and want to escape. Problem is, I can't escape my thoughts or emotions. So what do I do?

A change in mood doesn't help either. I can feel my mood shifting from manic to depressed but I still have anxiety. I feel like my changing emotions impact everything else. I want to do a lot of things but struggle to do them. I find myself crying more often and wanting to sleep more-two signs for me of a depressed episode. The emotional intensity of Borderline Personality doesn't help either. Sometimes I feel like I have no control. Please help. I don't want to become so depressed that I go down a dark path -self-harm for example. It's been a few years since that has happened and I want to keep it that way. I am on a lot of medications and am in therapy but sometimes that doesn't seem like enough. I'm hoping someone here can reach out to me. Thanks.

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #SexualAssault #PTSD #boderlinepersonalitydisorder #help #Anxiety

I feel like I've put in a lot of healing work to get where I am now. Then again, I feel like there are things that I don't acknowledge. The reality of #SexualAbuse and #SexualAssault are too much for me to accept at times. The #EmotionalAbuse is a little easier for me to cope with I guess because there isn't that much shame associated with it. With the sexual abuse I feel so ashamed because it was a family member that abused me in both cases. Emotional abuse is somewhat easier to deal with because I can better see how it has effected me and I can work through it.

The sexual abuse however is a different story. I also struggle with healthy communication. Whenever I am ever confronted with something difficult or something that makes me feel ashamed or guilty, I instinctively shut it down. I refuse to talk and develop a f**k you attitude. I know that it isn't healthy and it's rude to ignore people but sometimes I get so overwhelmed sometimes that I just refuse to confront it.

Yes I know that shutting down is no longer serving me but I still find myself doing it. Growing up I learned to keep to myself and I guess that's why I struggle with communication. The shame of sexual abuse is so overwhelming sometimes that I feel like I'm drowning. I know that the shame and guilt aren't mine to bear but I still have a lot of internal conflict. So my question is, how do I resolve this? If I know all this then why can't I just move on? Part of me feels like I may never be over it but I want to finally be happy and healthy. How do I overcome the past so I can live my life?

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #PTSD #Childhoodtrauma #SexualAssault #Healing #needhelp #checkin #BipolarDisorder #borderlinepersonaliydisorder #MightyTogether #selfharmsurvivor #suicideattemptsurvivor

Hello.

This is taking me a lot of courage to write and to post. I’m sorry if this is long but i really need to talk about it

So for context me and this man met at college. I’m a 20 yo woman and he’s a 19 man . He was friends with some of mine and we had classes together. When we started talking, things escalated really fast. After barely one hour of talking to each other, we was hugging me and lifting me up multiple times. It gave me a weird impression but I told myself that he just needed affection.

He was a kind of depressed guy. He told me he was a bad person multiple times but I reassured him. Long story short he told me he needed affection and comfort and I agreed to be that for him . So we basically became purely platonic cuddle buddies. There wasn’t anything sexual.

One Thursday, about three weeks after we met, he came over after his classes , and we started talking and cuddling .

⚠️Possible trigger warning for SA ⚠️

But at one point , While we were cuddling and he was laid beside me , he shifted positions and He very suddenly grabbed my wrists and pinned me down on the bed . I don’t remember if there was a reason he did that, I think he was joking about « using my body » prior ( we had a tendency to flirt joke, but lately it had been making me kind of uncomfortable. I tried numerous times to change the subject but he would always find a way to get back to it. ). He put himself above me and pushed my wrists so I couldn’t move. I pushed back , but I struggled because I obviously don’t have the same strength as him . He started holding my wrists tighter , so I put my knee to his chest to keep him away from me and being completely on top of me. He still didn’t stop holding me like this. I forgot the things he said to me during. I repeated multiple times for him to stop. He didn’t stop and kept pushing against my wrists . At one point I told him if I wanted to , I could hurt him ( his face was near me , I could hit him in the throat etc ..) . That didn’t stop him and he continued to push against my wrists. I struggled to look at him during , so I don’t know about his facial expressions , and if he said things to me , I don’t remember them . I kind of remember him laughing , but I’m not very sure about that .

I think he was doing this as a joke and was trying to figure out if he could overpower me , because while he kept pushing against my wrists I pushed harder and was able to raise my wrist off the mattress a little bit , and he said «  I can’t, I’m not strong enough » . Eventually I repeated one last time to stop and that I could hurt him if I wanted to , and he finally pulled away . Just to be clear he didn’t try anything sexual and the only thing he did was trying to overpower me by pinning me down on the bed . He didn’t touch me anywhere inappropriate besides the pressure he was applying on my wrists.

After it happened , He sat up on the bed and seemed thoughtful. he seemed disappointed in himself when he somehow snapped back to reality . He faked being about to leave , and I don’t know why , but I told him « it’s ok but don’t do it again » and he stayed . I think I was just really under shock and hadn’t registered it yet . I didn’t know how to react and we both kinda moved on at the moment . I think that paradoxically , I just didn’t want to hurt him . He stayed for about an hour and then left to go home . He didn’t apologize at all for what he did .

I can’t stop wondering , Had I not defended myself , what could he have done ? Because he really was insistant and didn’t let go and I told him to stop a lot of times .

Also the previous Saturday, when he was over, he also did this weird thing when he realized that I had some reflex when he would put his hand somewhere a little inappropriate, and when he noticed that, he said «  you don’t trust me ? » and did this very weird thing of faking to be going for a private part and then deviate and go for like my knee or something . I found that super weird . I feel like then , he was testing my limits and when I would tell him off or something.

Before all this happened , he told me that he had a « platonic crush » on me , as in best friend type of crush . Also , Prior to all of this , he really liked to make flirty, sexual jokes and comments, and when he would do that, he would always put himself as the superior or dominant one . In retrospect, he had multiple times joked about strangling me. He has also multiple times joked about being a predator.

I had opened up to him about my fear of men . He knew I heard a hard time trusting men and being alone with one . He still somehow thought that this was a funny thing to do after barely knowing each other for 3 weeks ? I guess this was all just a joke and he really didn’t mean harm but when is it ever funny to fake assault someone ?

I feel guilty because I acted like it wasn’t a big deal and still acted normal until he left.

I don’t know if he had anything sexual on his mind , I believe he didn’t mean anything bad , but he hurt me nonetheless . I feel like I’m making excuses for him when I really shouldn’t because his behavior wasn’t ok , but that I’m being super dramatic at the same time and making a big deal out of something that isn’t one .

I feel like I’m going crazy or reading into it way to much , I am already forgetting a lot of details and everything is a blur but other things I remember vividly . But yeah it really had a huge impact on me .

After that , we didn’t talk for a few days. I contacted him to have answers but he blocked me . After that , He heard that I wasn’t going to class so he came to my appartement uninvited. He came through two secured doors and He knocked multiple times at my apartment but I didn’t answer. He kept knocking so I eventually opened the door . He asked me if he could come in and I didn’t want to do I kept the door open . He didn’t apologize once. He told me that it was just a joke, he compared it to tickling. He told me he didn’t have any bad intentions and he didn’t have anything sexual in mind. He told me how his life was over now and kept trying to make me pity him .

I thanked him for not pretending this never happened and make me look and feel crazy , and he admitted that the thought crossed his mind

At first he seemed to understand how he hurt me and distanced himself , but then he messaged me again and said how I was ruining his life ( i haven’t told anyone nor pressed charges , he doesn’t have any repercussions from it) . He blamed me for feeling guilty and for the hurt it caused him.

He asked if what if I considered him a sexual attacker, and when I returned the question , he said thzt because of this situation he had to think of himself as a sexual predator

Please tell me what you think about it . I want the harsh truth. I don’t want people agreeing with me just to comfort me. If you think that I’m dramatizing it , then tell me . what do you think about it ? How would you interpret it
? Would it be wrong to call it assault ? Which type would you call it if you consider thzt it is indeed assault ?

I'm often told that I'm too loyal. That I try to help people to a fault. I suppose the it was the same with my abusers. I tried so hard to understand them, to save them from themselves and whatever they were running from. It hits much harder when the abusers are family members. As a child I was trapped and was forced to endure years of sexual and emotional abuse. Still I strove to see the good in them, or so I thought there was good in them. I partially blame myself because maybe if I hadn't seen them the way I wanted to see them and instead saw them for who they are, maybe I wouldn't struggle so much.

Then it hit me one day, no matter what illusion I had created the facts were clear: Families do not abuse, lie, manipulate and keep secrets. They don't pretend to keep up appearances either. Yet, growing up that is all I knew. Even into my adulthood before I spoke up I lived as if I was a child.

I try not to be so hard on myself because as a child my options were limited, it wasn't my fault my family wasn't healthy. Now things that didn't use to haunt me, do. I still lock up and freeze during confrontation or I give in. Two things I wish I didn't do. Despite being in therapy for 4 years I still have a lot to work through and a lot to learn. One thing I have learned however is this: You cannot save people, even if your intentions are good. I cried for days after learning this. I suppose the reason I wanted to say them was because I wanted to be seen, loved, heard and validated. I just thought that if I worked a little harder or did better that I could make them stop their abuse, I could make them better people. Sad thing is, I can't do that. People won't change unless they want to-including family. I now how to redefine family for myself. Slowly I am learning that even though there were good times in between the abuse that the abuse still occurred. Slowly I am learning a lot of things that will help me heal completely. As heartbreaking as that lesson was for me, it really opened my eyes. I cannot make them do what I want. I cannot make them apologize. I cannot make them see they were wrong. All I can do is move on and do the best I can. Live the life I create for myself and continue to heal, learn and grow. Thank you for allowing me to share this with all of you. As always, stay safe and reach out if you need to. We are here for each other.

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #Family #ChildhoodAbuse #SexualAssault #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Hope #Healing #Lessons #Life

Looking through the lens of childhood trauma, I would say that my perspective on things can be pretty skewed. After delving deeper into my childhood trauma and realizing that I had been groomed has actually helped me to better understand my abuse experience. My experience with childhood sexual abuse doesn't read like others. My family appeared relatively "normal". I wasn't abused in a cult or some group. I was abused in the home by a family member. I sometimes tell myself that healing would be easier if my abuser had been a random person. Now after much help, recognizing my abuser as a family member has made it easier to heal. I no longer have to tell people a story. I can be open and honest.

I don't have to carry on with my life as if nothing were happening. Grooming is a tactic used by abusers to get close to victims so they can abuse them. In my case, I didn't realize that's what it was. I just felt like someone cared about me especially because another family member was emotionally immature and abusive. So of course I was attracted to the one that made me feel special and would get me gifts. Now I know that he just wanted to hurt me and get in my head. There were no direct threats to my safety, no violence. That's why it took me so long to label it as abuse.

As I got older it escalated from fondling to full out sexual assault. A PTSD diagnosis sealed the deal for me. I thought that sexual violence had to be violent-I was wrong. Sexual violence was committed against me from a young age and it hurt more that when I told someone they didn't do anything. Through therapy and the help of others I can now say that speaking my truth has set me free. That abuse comes in all forms and doesn't have to be violent. If it hurt you and made you feel unsafe or violated it was abuse. I can't thank my fiancé enough for allowing me to speak my truth. Don't let anyone tell you that your truth or trauma isn't valid. It is. Keep speaking up (if it's safe) and I hope that it heals you. I know it did for me. I believe in you. Thanks for believing in me. As always stay safe and reach out for help if you need it. We are here for each other.

#SexualAbuse #Childhoodtrauma #Hope #PTSD

I have been out of the abusive situations for four years now (this being the fourth year). In that time I have learned a lot about people, myself and life in general. During a moment of reflection and mindfulness I realized how blessed I am to have what I have. Sure I came from a broken home but now I have a family that loves, supports and believes in me no matter what. That means a lot to someone that has been invalidated by her own family. I cannot tell you how many tears I've cried, how many questions I've asked or how many scars I gave myself. I can only share the lessons that I have learned so far with you. Those lessons have taught me to make the most of my experience.

-Abusive families exist.

-There is nothing wrong with cutting toxic people out of your life.

-Your experiences are only a part of you but they do not define you.

-It is okay to ask for and receive help.

-It is okay to come forward about your experience. Someone will believe you.

-It is okay to be scared, angry, confused, hurt or any other emotion. They are valid and deserve space.

-Families aren't perfect.

-Time always shows a person's true colors in the end.

-It is possible to be hurt by someone you trusted but this does not make you a bad person.

-The abuse was not and never will be your fault.

-Abuse is a choice, someone chose to hurt you.

-There are consequences for everything.

-It is okay to be healing one day and to fall apart the next, this does not make you weak.

-Healing is not linear.

-Love does not hurt and leave you traumatized. What happened was not love.

-You can and will heal.

-It's important to have a support system.

-Each day is a new opportunity to heal and move forward.

-It's okay to validate yourself, you are not selfish.

-You deserve to be heard.

-Your presence makes a difference (trust me I attempted suicide)

I hope these lessons can help someone today. As I keep learning, I will post more. Everyday I am working on myself and slowly getting to where I want to be. Again, please stay safe and reach out for help if you need to. You are not alone. I believe in you. Thanks for being here and for believing in me. I appreciate it.

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #SexualAssault #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Life #Lessons #coping #Hope #Inspiration

So evidently the definitions of sex crimes are a lot broader than originally thought. I have had three sexual partners in my life. According to the technical definitions, all three of them victimized me with #SexualAssault two of them perpetrated #SexualViolence against me and, because of the updated definition, one #Rape d me. This on top of #EmotionalAbuse #NarcissisticAbuse and #emotionalrape by two of them. That on top of my official diagnoses no doubt stemming from the trauma above. Further explanation for why I struggle so much.

Proud of myself today. I was able to make myself stay awake instead of sleeping all day like my #BipolarDepression wants me to do. I was able to stay active and calm and not let my #PTSD get out of hand. Even though I am still under a lot of stress and am very tired I refuse to give in! What are you celebrating today?

#Depression #Anxiety #PTSD #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #SexualAssault #AbuseSurvivors #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #littlethings #celebrate #MightyTogether