sexual assault

My abuser was found guilty and sent to prison to await sentencing. My abuser was a family member and quite honestly I don't know how to feel at the moment. People tell me I should be happy he's gone and got what he deserved and that I should be proud of myself for confronting him during trial. While I am proud of myself for being brave and not giving up when I easily could have, after 4 years of waiting for a trial it's finally done. I cried for the past 2 days. I keep telling myself I don't love or miss him but I still feel like I lost something. There will never be a chance to talk to him, to try and understand why he did what he did. I won't attend sentencing because I am too tired of the legal process. Yet if I don't go I will never see him again. He will most likely die in prison. Other family members have sent me threatening messages such as saying they hope I kill myself. I was scared that this person would find me but luckily they did not. My #PTSD symptoms are somewhat reduced now that it's over but I'm still a bit shook up. Honestly I don't know how to feel right now. I'm not angry I know that. I just don't know what I'm feeling. I don't know if this is normal or not. Luckily I can start therapy again so that will help a lot. I'm just so tired. How do you move on from something like this?

#SexualAbuse #SexualAssault #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Family #Grief #Loss #confused #Healing

I often wondered if the outside world was as bad as the life I was living. I didn’t disclose the abuse until after it started. I was silenced by shame and fear. Now I am ready to share my horror with the world. The monster I dealt with didn’t live under the bed or in the closet. He walked around, worked, acted as a family man. So much so I trusted him and now looking back, I wonder what made me trust him. I was a child when the #SexualAbuse started. I was molested on a daily or near daily basis. My body didn’t feel like my own. I felt awkward, dirty, confused, and used. The molestation continued for years. I kept it a secret mostly because I wasn’t sure if my experiences qualified as abuse. I wasn’t being beaten or starved so I didn’t classify being touched inappropriately as abusive. By the time I was sexually assaulted by that monster I had grown used to the abuse. Though the #SexualAssault made me fear for my life there was something familiar about it. Like all the other times I was abused. Not to mention the onslaught of #EmotionalAbuse I was subjected to by another monster. I was psychologically torn down. I began to accept the abuse and believe all their lies. I believed I wasn’t good enough, that I deserved the abuse, that I was a bad person and that sex was a bad thing and yet my worth depended on it. After leaving the abusive situation in 2019 my life went further downhill. Financial losses, no relationship with the family, self harm and a suicide attempt. I was later diagnosed with #PTSD which changed things. But after I met my now fiancé things changed for the better. My life is more stable, healthier and while I am doing intensive therapy to work out the trauma, I can say each day gets better. I have found someone that loves me despite the trauma and a family I can call my own. So while I may struggle with the effects of being abused, I can say healing is possible. It just takes time.

I encourage you to share your story if you feel comfortable. This post has been truly liberating. Thank you for allowing me to post here. My voice and your voice have power! I will no longer be ruled by fear and shame. That belongs on the monsters that abused me. I appreciate the feedback.

#ChildhoodAbuse

I often wondered if the outside world was as bad as the life I was living. I didn't disclose the abuse until after it started. I was silenced by shame and fear. Now, I am ready to share my horror with the world. The monster that I dealt with didn't live under the bed or hide in the closet. He walked around, worked, acted as a family man. So much so that I trusted him and now looking back, I wonder what made me trust him. I was a child when the #SexualAbuse started. I was molested on a daily or near daily basis. My body didn't feel like my own. I felt awkward, dirty, confused and used. The molestation continued for years. I kept it a secret mostly because I wasn't sure if my experiences qualified as abuse. I wasn't being beaten or starved so I didn't classify being touched inappropriately as abuse. By the time I was sexually assaulted by that monster I had grown used to the abuse. I was used to being used and discarded. Though the #SexualAssault made me fear for my life, there was something about it that seemed familiar like all the other times I was being abused. Not to mention the onslaught of #EmotionalAbuse I was subjected to by another monster. I was psychologically torn down. I began to accept the abuse and believe all their lies. I believed that I wasn't good enough, that I deserved what was happening, that I was a bad person, that sex was a bad thing but yet my worth depended on it. After leaving the abusive situation in 2019, my life went further downhill. Financial losses, no relationship with the family, self-harm and a suicide attempt. I was later diagnosed with #PTSD and that changed things. But after I met my now fiancé, things changed for the better. My life is more stable, healthier and while I am still doing intensive therapy and working out the trauma, I can say that each day gets better. I have found someone that loves me despite the trauma. I have a family I can call my own. So while I may struggle with the effects of being abused, I can say that healing is possible. It just takes time.

I encourage you to share your story (if you feel comfortable). This post has been truly liberating. Thank you for allowing me to post here. My voice and your voice matters! I will no longer be ruled by fear and shame. That belongs to the monsters that decided to abuse me. I appreciate all the feedback.

We are strong together!

#ChildhoodAbuse

Ever have a day, week or month where you feel like the world is against you? That’s where I’m at now. I’m severely depressed and just want to block out the world. My symptoms seem to be getting worse. Psychosis is looming on the horizon. That’s what has me anxious. I just want to be healed from the trauma I survived. I’m tired of drowning in shame. My emotions are all over the place lately. I just want to be happy and healthy and while I know there is no magical pill to make my past and pain go away, I wish there was. I have a support system and mental health support but when I’m alone with my thoughts that’s when things get bad. I have a list of therapy skills I could use but those go out the window when I’m upset. I just wish I could have it together. I took a few days off from work to relax but I’m still depressed. I know I have to keep it together for everyone else but I often wonder about how people would react if they knew everything. Disclosure of abuse is a gamble, at least in my experience. I’ve gotten bad reactions and good ones. Sometimes I think it’s better to keep it to myself. I don’t like dumping on people it just makes me feel bad. Besides there’s not much they can do anyway. It’s in the past and yet I feel like the past is following me around. Until this triggering event is over, I have to deal with all this. I’m just tired and have hit a wall I guess. I know it will pass but I’m really struggling right now.

#PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #SexualAssault #MentalHealth #Therapy #needhelp #CheckInWithMe

In most cases of child sexual abuse the victim knows the abuser. This was true in my case. The perpetrator was someone I knew and trusted. I have been working to process this reality. To think that I trusted my abuser and relied on him makes me feel a wide range of emotions. From sadness to being emotionally numb. The wounds that I have worked so hard to heal often open back up at the most inconvient times. Just when I thought I developed a f**k him attitude my trauma comes alive again. The same emotions I felt while being abused come flooding back sending me into an emotional spiral. Just the thought of him triggers the #PTSD . It irks me that I developed that because of his actions. The fact that he knew the whole time that he was hurting me and he knew what he was doing makes me sick. I don’t believe that he was unaware of what he was doing. Having been abused is no excuse to abuse another. I refuse to become abusive like the abusers in my life. They taught me how not to be. Each day I struggle to fight back thoughts of longing for the few “good memories” which I now know were a facade. I suppose this is the work of and strength of a trauma bond and there is still a lot of processing I must do. I no longer want him in my life. He deserves whatever he gets in the life after this one. I don’t mean to sound vindictive but I have so many pent up feelings. I’m still emotionally and mentally exhausted. I just want to get over the realization that he never loved me and that everything I thought I knew was a lie. That he was a pathological liar and will never be sorry. I have to accept that I will never get an apology and that when I told someone I was being abused that she did nothing. I have to learn to release these negative feelings. I want to be healthy and happy and healed. But I’m not there yet. I still find myself crying for no reason or struggling with PTSD symptoms. I haven’t harmed myself in a while and I’m proud. However I want to stop thinking about the abusers in my life but what do you do when they were all you knew? Each day I am working to process the trauma but sometimes it gets to me and other days I am apathetic to it. Thanks for allowing me to process my past trauma. I appreciate all the feedback. I wish you all the best. Stay safe and healthy.

Blessings
Anastasia
#EmotionalAbuse #SexualAbuse #SexualAssault #Trauma #Healing #Grief

Pardon the typos as I am typing on my phone because my laptop keeps logging me into my old account for some reason.

Yesterday I lost my state funded benefits and nearly went into a mental health crisis. Today I got new insurance and learned I can keep my therapist and psychiatrist. While I am happy about that, there is still a lot I need to vent about. One of my biggest pet peeve’s is that the abusers in my life don’t seem to care about how their actions have effected me. Yes I know them not caring makes them abusive but I have this strong desire to be in control of my situation. I don’t want to control people in a manipulative way like I was but I like predictably. Predictably meant safety. If I know what’s going to happen I feel like I can handle it better than not knowing. I suppose this goes back to the abuse. Growing up I never knew what to expect. I just tried my hardest to be a good daughter. I thought that if I just did that then maybe they would treat me better. I held on to the few “good times” when things went okay and my basic needs were being met. In therapy my therapist suggested that I don’t miss the abusers but I miss what could have and should have been. She’s right. Sometimes I’m crying and grieving and other times I’m fine. It’s just frustrating because I thought I made it through the grieving process. Just when I thought I had it packed away it comes back up. I suppose part of the problem is the brainwashing too. I am working really hard to undo it all but it’s really hard. I sometimes resort to my old behaviors and thought patterns for unknown reasons. I just don’t understand how an abuser can do that. The sexual abuse was bad because it ended in a sexual assault. The emotional abuse was just as bad. Both types of abuse distorted the way I see things and myself. Sometimes I feel abnormal but my therapist said my reactions are normal. As a side question: Anyone that experienced sexual abuse struggle with being hyper sexual and have sexually abusive fantasies or am I alone in this? How do I release my desire for control and how do I gain control of my sexuality? Thanks for reading.

#PTSD #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #SexualAssault #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #selfharmsurvivor #suicideattemptsurvivor