Today I am really struggling with my depression, but inspite of that I managed to make my bed, clean most of the bathroom and bake some brownies. I had to take breaks in between each task because I'm exhausted and not reallly feeling motivated. Inspite of myself I completed these tasks. I feel this is huge accomplishment given the way I feel and I'm proud that I defeated these small tasks.
My kids took this picture of me on day four of this last flare. Days 1-3 are me not showering, staying in PJs, and staying in bed or on the couch as much except to go to the bathroom. No appetite. 🤢😣
Day 4 I take a shower, get dressed, brush my teeth, and even put on eye makeup and jewelry. I keep my appointments. It takes willpower to transition. I wear only the softest clothes.
In this picture I am proud of myself and happy to be home with my pets. Barry gets so relaxed when I hold and pet him and starts to purr. That makes me happy. 🥰
I want to remember this picture of day four. This is the building up my strength day. It is me pacing myself, picking myself up by my bootstraps again because my kids need me. Next time I flare, I want to remember day four is coming and I can get through the darkness of 1-3 days in hell. 😑
Day five is today...I went on a small walk with my rollator and saw beautiful flowers, heard an excited red squirrel, felt rain on my skin and smelled the earth. I mopped the floor. I like the smell of Murphy's oil on the wood floors. I am careful and still end up straining. The rest of the day I will make myself rest because the mopping wiped me out and the humidity raises my pain levels. I won't go to the events I was invited to attend. I know if I do, I will start the flare up again.
It's hard to say no. However a no to others is a yes to myself.🙂
Tomorrow brings the weekly preparations, the laundry, and the grocery shopping. I will attempt it with modifications. I will ask for help. 🐢
I notice with my flares there are 3-4days that lead up to day one, where I can see the signs and try to prevent it. I feel pretty bad but I am not flared yet. I carry on the best I can. 🤔
Then there are 3 days of intense misery. 😖😵💫
Then 3-4days of recovery where I'm still very tired and weak but I make the effort to rebuild. I might have a few days off or even a week before the next one starts brewing. There is a lot I have to catch up on from the days I was unable. 😶🌫️
Day 4 though, is my favorite. It is the turning point. There is light again. Another victory!⭐
My next step is to build a kit for flare days, when I'm too exhausted, foggy, and in pain to help myself. Maybe I need a list or mantras, or music, or permission to reschedule. What are your ideas that work for you?
Today my partner said sometimes it’s hard to be gloomy or quiet around me when I’m going through a hellish mental health breakdown….and when I asked why, she said, “because you don’t take it out on me.” And that felt like a win. Like progress, from my other relationships and it made me happy. So, I just wanted to share.
Other tiny happies from the day; I walked a yorkie around the block in a stroller, I bought a mousepad at Staples, I ate no less then 4 pieces of Pizza Hut stuffed crust pizza. #PizzaHut #smallvictories #TheLittleThings #Mentalbreakdown #Partner #KeepOn #StillTruckin
Felt good today so I got to go to the mall with my momma.
Here's to small victories.
I know I will be paying for it tomorrow.
Not sure if a safe fell on my boyfriends head or what! He comes to me one day and says he wants to move in with his friend for a while. Not that he wants to break up but live apart. Of course I'm in my head thinking, "thank god now breaking up with you will be so much easier once you physically leave my trailer." I know it's terrible but for those of you who have been following my posts you know I've been trying to get out of this thing for 7 months now. I absolutely can't wait till he leaves! I might start packing his stuff up today 😁#smallvictories #Relationships #Depression #Anxiety
3 weeks ago I had spine surgery 3 and 4. For the last 12 years from my initial back injury, I couldn't wiggle my toes in my right foot. I now have full range motion in my toes!!!🎉 I have numbness in the foot WITHOUT pain. #DDD #SpinalFusion #Spinalspondylolisthese #ChronicPain #smallvictories
I am very proud of myself. I have brushed my teeth twice a day for the last 4 days and showered twice. I know this seems silly to most people as these are things that should be done daily without thought and not doing is gross and unsanitary, but I have never been good at taking care of myself. I have gone sometimes a month without showering, without brushing my teeth, without washing my face, and then I'll do it once or twice and go back to not taking care of myself. I could never understand why it was so hard for me to do these things. My mental health effects me in ways that neurotypical people deem lazy and disgusting. I am proud of myself because I have brushed my teeth the proper amount for 4 convective days, and I want to take a minute to celebrate my small victory.
#MentalHealth #smallvictories #CelebrateTheSmallWins
I was recently diagnosed with fibromyalgia, haven't been able to do much since my boat accident and have been in a really dark place. But I realized I can't let it control me. I have to just go and try. Being that I am not able to walk easily, stairs are really hard for me. After laying in bed until about 4pm due to fatigue, I decide to get out. I walked up 3 flights of stairs for the first time since my accident. Yeah, it killed me. But to be honest, my pride feels far greater than the pain. #smallvictories