Mentalbreakdown

Again.
Sometimes that can be a good word, and sometimes that can be a bad word. This time it’s a bad word. Again. I’m fighting to come to terms with my lack of sanity and how to have a “why” for my life’s disarray. Again. I’m arguing with myself why I can’t be more put together and “stronger” while dealing with shared experiences the human existence. Why is my ability to thrive stunted to those around me? Comparing through a foggy lense doesn’t portray exact details, I suppose. I want so much more. I dream of more. And I know I “hold the power of change”- but that doesn’t make the pain go away. A cancer patient holds the same power to have a good outlook, but their demise is still eminent. Is mine? How in control of my life am I? Not many breaks between breakdowns and battles leaves me feeling like it’s just snowballing. I have my reasons for living. For fighting. For staying the battle. But will it be enough? I’m so weak. The house is a portrayal of my broken heart. An absolute mess. Again.

Hey, so I turned 26 on the 31st of March. And I seriously thought I’d be further in a year since my divorce from an abusive narcissist. I’m not sure what to do at this point, I cannot hold a job. I have severe mental breakdowns at every interview… I’ve been diagnosed with ptsd, anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, and dissociation. The place I recently tried to work, I took a mental health day because pulling into the parking lot I had a mental breakdown and couldn’t stop crying. And my boss said “ everyone has mental health problems, what makes you any different “ well I’m aware and I completely acknowledge that everyone deals with their own mental health issues, and they do it in their own ways. I can’t deal with mine the same way the next person deals with theirs.

It was suggested that I started going through menopause at age 20 or so. I had endometriosis, pcos, when I had a period. I’ve also been diagnosed with hypothyroidism.

I only take medication for the hypothyroidism, I stopped taking the mental medications for numerous reasons. Mainly because they weren’t helping, and I tried many over the course of 2 years. So my fear is that my mental state is because of my hormones and no one really knows what’s going on with my hormones.
The medicine for my thyroid works then stops working, my endocrinologist refuses to believe I’m menopausal . He’s still trying to get me to have a period but my body refuses.

I’m so lost, my parents act like they understand what’s going on, but when I told them I had a mental breakdown which was hard for me to do because I fear failure and telling them that, I didn’t want them to get mad at me.. well they said “you just started that job?”

I can’t sleep, and when I can, I wake up and I do not feel rested, I’m not hungry/thirsty (I do eat), I’m tired, and weak. My cognitive function and memory is getting worse every day, I tell people it’s like I’m 70-80 years old living in a 26 year old body.

I don’t understand why I’m like this, I don’t know what’s causing what. I just want it to stop long enough for me to breathe.

#Endometriosis #PTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Anxiety #PanicAttacks #Mentalbreakdown #AnxietyAttack #PolycysticOvarySyndrome #Amenorrhea #DontUnderstand #lost #AbuseSurvivors #Narcassism #hormoneimbalance

I own a pet sitting business with my ex. Yesterday afternoon I was out walking a client's dog. While walking I will often look at my phone to pass some time. While scrolling through Facebook I came across one of the many ads, this one for online mental health therapy.

As I scrolled through the ads webpage looking for more information I came across these two seemingly innocuous paragraphs and nearly had a breakdown. I had to hold it in every inch of the walk after reading it as it wouldn't look good to go mental in the middle of a neighborhood.

Mind you, because of my current poor psychiatric care and issues with my insurance I have been off of one of my meds since the middle of February.

I have tried to do my psychiatrist's job that I don't get paid extra to do in order to find out why my script isn't being filled. I was told by my insurance that the psychiatrist needs to call in to fix the problem. This is something my psych and or her staff should know they need to do.

Meanwhile, I am on the verge of another breakdown but trying hard to remain stable. And while I have many friends who offer to give support I wish more than anything there was something they could do. Not only am I extremely hesitant to ask but I can't overcome the feeling of being a burden no matter how much they say I'm not, a few of you will understand that.

Thankfully I do have my ex-girlfriend who is my best friend and has been with me every step of the way. She is the one person I know I can be a burden upon and she will help the best she can, she is not equipped to deal with me nor has she ever needed to until I came along but she tries. I still have the feeling I'm being a PIA but she never makes me feel that way as I know none of my friends would but it's still difficult even with her at times. However, I am fighting the best I can.

Be well and hug your loved ones!

I’m going to tell you what a demon once told me ;

It is okay to want your own happiness.
It’s okay to care about yourself the most.
It’s okay to do what’s healthy for YOU.
When someone hits you, it’s okay to hit back and
then ask them what the hell they expected.
It’s okay. You are not obligated to sit there and
smile and swallow every drop of poison that they give you.
You are more than furniture, you’re more than window dressing,
you’re not their shiny toy. You’re human, and you have the right
to say ‘that was shitty of you.’ You have a right to say
‘Let me feed that back to you; tell me, how does it taste?’
You have a right to protest your own mistreatment and
set boundaries for respectful interactions. The rest of the world
doesn’t realize you have this right, and they will act offended and
appalled when you exercise it, but it is yours...
#fighter #EndTheStigma #Mentalbreakdown