[I’m tired of being scared all the time… So I just do it and share the most vulnerable piece of me…💀]
Every day I try to resist.
The urges to cut, draw blood and go deep.
Often I win,
Sometimes I loose.
But it’s the shame that keeps me in this self abuse.
The comfortable place of pain…
The voices that tell me,
That pain is all I know, it’s all I deserve.
It lulls me in with its siren spell,
I can’t resist, can’t break away.
The urge to cut.
To dive deep.
No matter the blood, it’s never deep.
Never enough, always too shallow.
I wonder, will I keep this up tomorrow?
What if I die?
What if I loose?
By the hands of my self abuse…
But the drive knows no bounds.
All it wants is relief.
So the thoughts wreak havoc in my mind.
Until the blade meets my skin…
But then again,
It’s never enough.
It doesn’t even sting.
I rub in disinfectant it but still it doesn’t hurt.
I’ve grown numb…
I scratch and tear,
But the skin stays put.
The pain doesn’t come,
It’s not working as it should…
So hold still and keep calm.
Stay in the dark, away from harm.
But my mind screams, rages in tears.
Wreaks havoc inside,
While all I do is cower in fear.
I can’t let it out.
Cause this time I know
If I do then all is over now.
They’re leading me now,
the shadows I created.
And what little control I once had
is fleeting like dust in the wind.
Now I sit in the dark
Scared of what the shadows will paint on the walls.
But if I survive I learn it’s just this.
Night.
When the sun comes up,
the light will glow.
And all the shadows go into hiding once more.
Still the echoes linger, the shadows growl.
But light remains, still shining through.
Until someone sees and asks „What happened to you?“.
#Selfharm #MentalHealth #Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #SocialAnxiety #SocialAnxietyDisorder
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