Paralyzed in the public, again
Today it happened again.
I was going home from therapy and many factors lead to the next paralysis episode in public.
I was in luck that I had informed my mother so she could pick me up.
I’m experienced with the whole process and the pain that comes with it, so it’s not that scary.
What terrifies me about ”freezing up“ in public are the people.
I can’t tell them that this is my new ”normal“ for me… I can’t react to their prying eyes, answer their questions or tell them that it will go away with time. I can’t stop them from calling ambulance or tell them that it’s not an epileptic seizure.
I can’t stop them from coming to close or touching me.
I’m totally helpless.
So I got home alright, my mom found me and helped me walk.
But still…
Everything tensed up, my hand turned blue.
My left arm is always cramping more than the right. I’m not sure why.
My muscles are still tensed and sore and I have a big tension headache.
This Friday I have an appointment with an neurologist, to rule out epilepsy.
I’m 99% sure it’s just psychosomatic as I can still understand everything that’s happening around me and it’s always triggered by emotional overwhelm.
It’s ”just“ a dissociation motor disorder…
Still this is scary.
And the biggest problem for me is not knowing how long this will last.
There are not enough studies about the disorder.
It can last between weeks or even years.
I’ve had it for nearly 4 months now…
And it’s getting exhausting.
Hopefully the mental health clinic can help with it all…
I just need to hold on.
[Picture by Europeana, Unsplash]
#MentalHealth #Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #CPTSD #SocialAnxiety #SocialAnxietyDisorder #SocialPhobia #Catatonia #DissociationDisorders #dissociativedisorders