Social Anxiety Disorder

Yeah, I ain't sleeping lately
I ain't sleeping lately
Yes, I know that I'm the only person that can change me
Maybe, that's why I ain't changing
That's why I ain't changing
I got too much on my mind, I guess I don't know how to face it

I just don't know how to face it
I don't know how to face it, yeah (don't know how to face it)
I don't know how to face it (don't know how to face it)
I don't know how to face it
I don't know how to face it, how to face it, ah

Don't know how to face it
Let's go back to basics
Yes say what you mean, do what you say, but man I hate this
I just don't know what I'm chasing, don't know what I'm chasing
Yes, somebody told me
Life is something you don't wanna play with

But I just keep on playing like, life is just a playground
I go through this mood swings
Watch everything slide down
I look at myself and I ask me what the goal is
Yeah, tell me what your goal is
I'm just so lost in emotions, I don't even notice

I just slip into a place and I don't think straight
Devil in my ear tryna tell me everything's great
And in a year I'll realize I'm in the same place
Running in the same race, same pace

Yeah, I ain't sleeping lately
I ain't sleeping lately
Yes, I know that I'm the only person that can change me
Maybe, that's why I ain't changing
That's why I ain't changing
I got too much on my mind, I guess I don't know how to face it

I just don't know how to face it
I don't know how to face it, yeah (don't know how to face it)
I don't know how to face it (don't know how to face it)
I don't know how to face it
I don't know how to face it, how to face it

Don't know how to face it
Let's go back to basics
Think about the words you 'bout say before you say it
Sin is bittersweet I taste it, bittersweet I taste it
Get that sickness out my mouth
I feel like my train is derailing
I can feel it

Yo, these words are only words until they actions
Words until they actions strive on empty satisfactions
Yeah, the fact is I don't know, fact is I don't know
Yeah, I get on these stages, say that I put on a show
But, yeah, that show it don't mean nothing

If I don't live my lyrics, if they don't feel the spirit in my songs
Then they don't hear it
Homie, yeah, that don't mean nothing
This ain't all about appearance
Everything starts with the man in the mirror

Yeah, I ain't sleeping lately
I ain't sleeping lately
Yes, I know that I'm the only person that can change me
Maybe, that's why I ain't changing
That's why I ain't changing
I got too much on my mind, I guess I don't know how to face it

I just don't know how to face it
I don't know how to face it, yeah
I don't know how to face it
I don't know how to face it
I don't know how to face it, how to face it, ah

#Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #CPTSD #PTSD #MentalHealth #SocialAnxiety #SocialAnxietyDisorder #SocialPhobia

I've tried to hate myself
Thinking that's how things will change
But it never helps, piling up the blame
Fighting fire with fire, hurt with more hurt
Breaking my own heart makes everything worse

I gotta be kind, kind to myself
'Cause I can't change, change any way else
If the kindness of my Savior is how He changes me
Then I can be kind, kind to myself

I know it sounds insane
But the old way wasn't working
I try to medicate
When the pain's under the surface
I've never healed by powering through
I had to learn how to see me the way that You do

I gotta be kind, kind to myself
'Cause I can't change, change any way else
If the kindness of my Savior is how He changes me
Then I can be kind, kind to myself

Hey (kind), don't misunderstand, it's not permission (kind)
It's conviction over condemnation (kind)
Oh, the curious love of God (kind)
It's such a better and sweeter song (kind)
It has a way of showing me what's really going on, going on, yeah

What does the voice in your head sound like
When you fail for the thousandth time?
Is it cruel or is it kind?

Oh, I gotta be kind, kind to myself
'Cause I can't change, change any way else
If the kindness of my Savior is how He changes me
I can be kind, kind to myself

I can be kind, kind to myself
I can be kind, kind to myself

#MentalHealth #Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Selfharm #CPTSD #PTSD #SelfharmRecovery #SocialAnxiety #SocialAnxietyDisorder #SocialPhobia

I vent… On a social media platform, I’m quiet new too…
And even though I’m scared to death, I just hope to find some understanding, maybe even support…

I‘ve got multiple disorders… I’m sure of this…

Social Anxiety is just the tip of the iceberg.

But for now it’s the only thing diagnosed.

I battle Depression for months now.
There were multiple times were I seriously thought about ending it all, had multiple plans and all the means but couldn’t carry it out…
But my therapist hasn’t diagnosed it yet…
Still I’m on antidepressant, from my psychiatrist, and they work a little…

For months now I tried to get help…
But it never worked out…
(Therapy helped a little but there were too many fires that needed to be put out, so we never got to work on the real issues. It was always just an intervention of the current crisis…)
Getting into a mental health hospital has been an odysee so far…
(Mostly because the only diagnosis I have is social anxiety and it doesn’t match with all the extra symptoms I experience… Also I’m still waiting for a reply on the current one…)

I’m also quite sure I have C-PTSD.
I have all the symptoms and multiple traumatic events in my childhood beginning with my premature birth…
I’m also deathly afraid of everything medical (yes, that includes my therapist’s office)…
Last year I was retraumatised by a dentist appointment…
The pain and glaring light opened up depths of memories I had repressed, stored as flashes of pictures and deep emotions of helplessness and despair…

In the past months I’ve been triggered multiple times. Smells and sounds trigger flashbacks. Mostly emotional, sometimes visual.

I couldn’t function properly at work because I was triggered multiple times a day.
A screaming infant.
My own hunger.
Disinfectant.
A child’s toy, an ambulance that I needed to repair.
The intimacy of changing diapers.
The sirens of a real life ambulance.
First responders.
The tiling of a bathroom.
The list is endless…

Then there are the triggers of all the bullying…
The smell of a deodorant sends me back into a memory.
Teenagers talk about me or laugh at me and I feel like a child again even though I’m an adult.
Teens laughing make my heart race and search for anything that could make me look bad…

Triggers are everywhere.

But through it all I still keep surviving…

Once again my problem is high functionality…

My therapist is still in training and is too unsure to diagnose me. She says I’m too complex…

She won’t even diagnose my Depression.
Just because I’m still „functioning“ she doesn‘t think I have it.

Even though I quit my job because I couldn’t function anymore… I lost weight because there were times where I just couldn’t eat…
Suicidal thoughts were a constant background hum… Now they occasionally visit…
I’m apathetic, I can’t move…
I isolate myself because I just can’t face people…

Putting on a mask has become so normal that I can’t even lower it around my most intimate friends… But luckily they can see through it…

I hate what I have turned into…
For months I felt like someone else has taken over my life, it felt like I stumbled into a parallel dimension of my life…
I depersonalised…
But I accepted that this is it…
It’s all my own doing… And I hate it…
I feel ashamed. I grapple with the question if I deserve to exist… it often feels like I only get to exist if I give something to people…
I have dreams for my future but they seem impossible to reach…
I feel hopeless…

I feel joy, it comes in small doses but every time I’m genuinely happy I feel as if I don’t really deserve it, I feel like an imposter…
Every time it gets bad I feel like all the good times never happened and every time I feel happy all the bad things feel like a dream…

Too escape it all I read…
I distract, I never seem to stop…

But to my therapist says I’m functioning just fine…
I reach out and get help when it gets bad.
I have a plan for emergencies.
I cope with negative emotions, sometimes the strategies are healthy sometimes they’re not…
I derealise often…
(When the emotions get too bad I self harm…
I try to stop but even then I scratch it open…)
But also I distract myself from everything.
Mostly because I don’t feel safe at home and want to address everything in a professional setting…
So for now I can’t do anything but wait and survive day by day…

Anyone else feel like they’re too high functioning to get the help they need?
And has any tips on how to go on?

[I know I will be beating myself up for posting this later on but I just need someone to listen…]

#SocialAnxiety #SocialAnxietyDisorder #Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Burnout #CPTSD #PTSD #MentalHealth

Cause I'm still out here
I may be hiding but I'm still hoping
To be found here, I'm still out here
I've been waiting for someone to listen
Past the words my hurt is saying
Tell me I'm worth saving
And that I'm still worth fighting for

Ooooo

We're not the villain
We're not the enemy
We're just broken people
Wandering through the dark
That's all we are
Loving us is gonna cost you
So are you willing to be the light You say you are
I hope you are

#PTSD #CPTSD #Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #SocialAnxiety #SocialAnxietyDisorder

Hello you wonderful bunch 🤗 I hope everyone is well today. Here’s a link to a blog I’ve written about comorbidity of Anxiety as well as Bipolar Disorder. It explains primarily how social anxiety affects people and the safety behaviours associated with it. Check it out if you’re interested and as always, if you have any questions or comments please feel free to reach out in the comments section below 👍

Living with Bipolar Disorder: Comorbidity of Social Anxiety ...

#MightyTogether #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder