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    Living With Trust Issues

    My Story - I have bpd and I grew up in a household that was very unique/Strange. Well onlookers saw us as strange but as a child growing up it seemed very normal. I had no clue that both my parents were narcissistic. But looking back on things my dad was always leaving us mom would always get angry and take it out on me and my siblings. This happened for years. They said I didn't start talking till I was 2 years old, but I can remember dissociating at age 5 didn't know it was called that then, but it really sucked! My mom regularly invalidated me like it was some kind of game or something, but she had her own thing going own from her childhood and would zone out most of the time. This a chapter out of my childhood. From this I have trust issues and abandonment issues#trustissues #MentalHealth #MentalIllness #abandonmentissues #BPD


    Not the best day not the worst day

    So my daughter was with my in-laws all day. My husband was working for most of the day. I tried to have a girls day and invited some girlfriends over. Gave notice. No one could come. I spent the day alone. I’ve lost two jobs in 2.5 months. My self esteem isn’t the best. I’m depressed, sad, tired… and today was just the icing on the cake. However, I take it as a good sign that while I was sad and lonely I didn’t go down my normal path of suicide ideation, I didn’t cry, I didn’t get mad, I didn’t rant on social media… I just tried to make the best of it and enjoy my day. It wasn’t easy. I just as outside in my pool so that helped me being in the nice weather getting some vitamin D and just listening to upbeat music. So I’m proud of myself for that. But I’m still feeling sad and lonely cause everyone was busy or couldn’t come over. #codependent #codependentpersonality #Codependency #Depression #Anxiety #abandonmentissues #Loneliness

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    catching the tide

    it's like I'm trying to protect my sand castle from the tide. the more I fight, the stronger it comes. the more risk my castle I put. that's how my mental health been lately. the sand castle is my sanity and the tide is like the obstacle. alas, stupid of me fighting things that the universe has the only control or in my situation the external force. I used to say my mental health is like a hamster running on the wheel, but as I got motivate to go on with my life, I started to try controlling everything so my 'sandcastle ' will be safe. little do I know, the power that I have is to either let my sandcastle destroy or maybe I can build fence to protect it. or maybe just move it away. idk. #abandonmentissues #Paranoid #AnxietyDisorders #Anxiety


    #abandonmentissues #Childhoodtrauma

    Is it just me, or is there anyone else that struggles to keep relationships, be it friendship or romantic, in adulthood due to a parent that left early on? Like, youre so scared that this person/s are going to realise your not good enough and leave because daddy left when you were 7, and this thought just keeps popping up that you werent worth it to your own flesh and blood so everyone else is also going to leave eventually...?

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    #Hauntedhouse #Codependency #FearOfAbandonment #abandonmentissues #Depression #Anxiety #Grief #Loss

    Sometimes we hold onto things that no longer serve us because we remember the time when they did. It’s okay to let go when they no longer resemble the good they used to. It’s takes courage to let go. I’m still learning how. And that’s okay. We’re all a work in progress. Even a tiny step forward is still a step forward. Keep going. #SuicidePrevention #courage #dontgiveup


    Feeling excluded, left out, lonely... & it triggers me on many levels

    So I had a falling out with some former friends months ago. I was in a damned if I do damned if I don’t kinda situation. I compromised myself to be accepted by these girls. And it drove me to some of the lowest depths of my depression and anxiety. I have always had suicide ideation when I hit my lows, but it’s not consistent.... that is until these two girls came along. After our fall out the suicide ideation became constant almost. It took me until this past week to realize that I was better off. That I needed to be happy that they’re not in my life because who needs friends like that. But we have mutual friends that are close with them and I cannot for the life of me understand why. These girls I had the falling out with are mean, nasty, dramatic, narcissistic, and take part in gaslighting and victim shaming. They’ve not just done that to me but also to one of our mutual friends. One of the same mutual friends that swore one of these girls off says she “plays nice for others” but goes out to dinner, invites her over... and the mutual friends husband who swore off the same girl is playing along. And it messes with me. It makes me question my “moving on.” And it makes me feel excluded, left out, and lonely. Adding onto it that I tested positive for COVID-19 yesterday so I’m gonna be isolated for a couple weeks and I’m only in day 1. And maybe none of these “friends” I need in my life. Maybe they’re all just full of shit. Maybe they’re all playing games with each other and none of em can be trusted. It’s all a trigger for me with my trust issues, with my paranoia, with my abandonment issues, with my validation issues, with my depression, with my codependency issues, and with my anxiety on so many levels. I guess it triggers even more because I don’t have many friends. And it’s hard to make friends right now in our isolated COVID-19 world (with or without positive test results). I’ve wanted to always have a sense of belonging because I don’t have that with my family, nor do I have much of a family to have that with. Which adds to my issues mentioned previously. It sucks. I’m trying to end this train of thinking this year. It’s my biggest thing I’m working on and like any habit it’s hard to break. I’m trying to work through the feelings by posting on here, journaling, reading my Codependency books.... Idk how to end this exactly... I’m just struggling and triggered. #triggered #codependentpersonality #codependancy #Codependency #codependent #codependant #DepressionAndMentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #sad #Loneliness #lonely #abandonmentissues #FearOfAbandonment #abandonment #validation #validationissues #ParanoidThoughts #Paranoia

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    Taking In Consideration of The Inner Child

    I had my therapy yesterday and I’d say, I’ve had many hard sessions, but this one was the absolute hardest. A lot of it had to do with healing the inner child and letting her grieve. Near the end of it, I was not only in tears, but I felt like I my insides were gutted out. Everything boiled down to my fears of abandonment that resulted from not having a father and further fearing abandoned by other men who have also abandoned me in other ways. My therapist asked what was something that I felt that I really needed... I felt that I needed acknowledgement. Along with that, I was always trying to fill this hole that I’ve always felt. Before the session ended, he said that it was possible for me to fill that space myself with the right tools to do so. I left there sobbing all the way home and almost screamed a couple of times. I honestly believe it the my inner child that was wailing because it was a different kind of pain that I was feeling. It was like I was stabbed in the chest and everything was coming up all at once. It needed to happen, I was just in shock of how painful it was. I ended up texting my manager that I wasn’t coming into work last night because not only was I not feeling well because of the experience, my eyes were so swollen that my left eyebrow was raised because my eye was so swollen. My chest still hurts from yesterday, but I can still move forward. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #innerchild #Grief #abandonmentissues


    Anxiety. . . overload

    I have bpd and am struggling to trust people again. I recently lost most of my friends. I also went through a bad friendship with a narcissist. I like this guy but don’t want to push him away and drive him crazy. Most guys think I am overwhelming. He’s put up with me for almost a month and hasn’t left. My mental health is somewhat way more heightened right now. I am getting nightmares of him and his friends making fun of me. I have alot of things I am unhappy about in my life. I don’t have a career, steady job or a full drivers license. I am wanting change. I am lonely but have no friends that make effort to be in my life. I blew my chance at meeting hin because of my anxiety. I am panicking and just saddened. I want to be able to not have so much anxiety the healthy friendships are not able to grow or function.

    I am paranoid of getting hurt and it’s making everything harder to cope. I want normalcy and not to be compared for what I have to show for. I feel like I’ll never catch up or be enough for somebody to love. My own family or parents said I am hard to love. #hardtolove #friendships #BPD #Rejection #abandonmentissues #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety