Pedophobia

#Pedophobia
today I watched separated siblings bond. decades apart in age their only commonality is a father, different mothers and different upbringings to say the least. watching this I realized how shallow my bonds to my own siblings are in comparison. my brother and I don’t share a fond family story, or commonly told history despite sharing the same house for our entire childhood. we lack the narrative that these separated but related sibs are sharing. I’m watching this bond formulate over stories about their common father even though all three have different mothers and from the outside it seems so much more deep and natural than anything I have ever felt for my own blood family. I’m so happy for their connection on the generous part of my heart. and the selfish part says why don’t I have those feelings for my own blood. is this confirmation that I am truly flawed? that family just is not something that I will be able to engage in? it both warms my heart with gladness for theincinnection and confirms my worst fears that all of that warmth is not something that I can bring myself to feel.

#Pedophobia
Finding yourself in a cold sweat as the others in your group coo over a baby at a restaurant. Finding a way to inch your chair as far back as possible so my boyfriend blocks the baby from my view so it’s possible to eat my dinner. Ordering more drinks than normal and getting comments about tiring one in tonight to maintain that expected veneer of calm. I’m reasonably certain they all think im drinking fir other reasons. And knowing that no matter how you try and explain you are onky judged and found wanting. The lonliness is hard.

#Pedophobia
the first thing everyone tries to get you to belive in is the small steps. start small and eventually it will get better. but it does not feel better. the only change is your ability to control your reaction. not your genuine revulsion, not the feeling of nauseous panic, not the complete rejection of this helpless sucking void of need that small children are. just your ability to hide all those things. heroine addicts don’t stop craving just because they are “recovering” so why is it that the expectation is that you feel better when you act better? it’s just that. it’s an ACT. it’s about making the people around you feel better not actually what you feel as a completely functional adult that would rather be fatally bitten by a Kimono Dragon and die of sepsis than come with in touching distance of your sleeping infant.

#Pedophobia
It feels like you are branded. like everyone can see your lies when you try to mouth the socially acceptable nonsense people expect from their non-parental friends. even in a close group it’s this feeling of other, like there are miles between you and the person next to you. like you don’t deserve to belong to a family because families have babies.

#Pedophobia
Everyone thinks they can just talk you out of it if the present the logical reasons you should not feel the way you feel. I feel shitty for not feeling the feelings I think I should feel, that every one else thinks I should feel, and for feeling the way I should not feel. “Should?” that is a more dangerous word than any other in the English languidge. It means burden and expectation and confirmation to something created for you not by you. I should feel fine. I should let go of the panic and fear and revulsion I feel about little kids. I should see them as “miracles” not sucking holes of need that will consume everything and everyone in their path. I should feel maternal not nauseated when I look at a baby. Why is it fine to be afraid of spiders or snakes but show that infants make you panic is just insane. Silly, girl there is obviously so much wrong with you, you should just give up. Should...a Dangerous word.