Social Anxiety Disorder

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I constantly blame myself for other people actions #Agoraphobia #BipolarDepression #Selfcare #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder

I constantly blame myself for other people's actions and problems sadly

Even though that's out of my control

Just I be paranoid about What Strangers Think about me

diagnosed with Agoraphobia and Social Anxiety disorder bipolar disorder

and Generalized Anxiety disorder and panic disorder and PTSD

Not Paranoid like Having Delusions or something

But Paranoid About What people Think about me.

Like I Rarely leave my house. Because of my anxiety and stuff As usual

Not going to go in detail about Agoraphobia and Generalized Anxiety and social anxiety and etc

But the times I do leave my house I be so exhausted

But I be thinking my neighbors when they see me are mad at me or something

Like when I hear them slam the door or something

I be thinking I did something wrong to make them slam the door

Like I literally tip toe around my home because I be scared I'm being kinda loud

Even though my house is very quiet

I don't even have people over my house

Since I don't have friends and I don't leave my house which is my fault

But I literally tip toe

I'm 6'2" 225lbs but Im a bigger guy

But I literally tip toe because I just be paranoid

About my neighbors

Even though that drives me nuts with so much worrying

Like I Have a next door neighbor that plays music loud on weekends sometimes to 1 2 3 4 am sometimes

I don't personally have a problem with him playing music though

That's what works for him

Even though majority of the time I listen to music on my Noise Cancelling Headphones.

But I be thinking my neighbors are mad at me or think I'm playing that loud music

Which I'm not personally. Majority of the time I listen on my headphones which sounds like a sound system

That My Dad used to have in the trunk of his car with the DJ speakers in the trunk

Like it be so loud the car starts rattling a little.

But since I have a hard time leaving my house

I don't really go anywhere outside of food or bills or pharmacy or physical appointments

Which gets tiring and stupid but my body reacts all the time

Plus the medicine I take makes me sleepy during the day

Like If I wake up early I still feel constantly tired and end up going back to sleep

Sometimes 10 + hours which throws off my natural sleep pattern

Since the medicine helps a lot but that side effect of tiredness

Regardless of how early I take it.

But since I only be at home

I can't go to in public but private chain commercial gyms

Since it's full of people and I had a few panic attacks

And never could get a workout in so I wasted money

On a membership and I never used the gym properly the way I want

So I'm my anxiety and my brain just reacts in front of people

Headaches and temporary blurry vision and all kinds of weird symptoms

So I had to get gym equipment to workout at home

Which has been so helpful for me

Which workout at home if the medicine doesn't mess up my schedule

Since it messes up my workout schedule

Because it makes me so tired

Since due to my Agoraphobia I only workout at home

Due to my Agoraphobia and anxiety etc not leaving my house

Which causes me not to be active even though I'm a naturally active person

But anxiety is so detrimental to me physically

I was at risk of Type 2 Diabetes

since it runs in my family as a African American Male in His Late 20s Early 30s

I was at Prediabetic Range when I got blood work done

So I wasn't working out then

But I used to workout at home growing up since I had weightlifting equipment

But lost my weights in storage when my Stepdad passed away in 2015 which since I couldn't leave my house

Caused me to not be as active

Which In turn since I can't afford the best diet as well

Even though I want to eat better and I do try

Just healthy food is so expensive. When you have to consistently buy it

Especially when building muscle and stuff. Since muscle needs protein and calories naturally

Which I used to undereat throughout my 20s

Atleast protein wise.

But Working out At home

I be Very quiet working out since I live upstairs

And I have a silencing pad if I'm doing rows which I be so paranoid about me making noise

Even though I'm quiet.

I don't do deadlifts personally because it is awkward to me

But I do rows which helps my back

And I have a Silencing pad that silence all the noise

Even though I be very quiet working out

Even though my workouts last maybe at most 2 hours

But different exercises since your body can't handle doing the same exercises over and over again

Which I had to do at jobs lifting heavy loads of veggies and fruits and boxes constantly

Which I was very anxious and had blurred vision and all kinds of stuff

Panic symptoms as usual when I leave my house

And I was still trying to move those fruit barrels that at filled with water and fruits and veggies that spilled on the floor

From the work floor and having to dump that every 10 minutes

300 lb 400 lbs barrels with manual strength no pallet jack to dump it on a higher surface.

Since water 💦 is very heavy when it's compact in a tote or container with veggies and fruits

Which adds weight people don't realize how heavy that is.

Water is very heavy. And water is not compact like that it's very unstable compared to free weights.

Think of a water bed 🛏️ a water bed is heavier than the most heaviest mattress.

Water is different than air

Oxygen or air is not heavy a air mattress is very light

But water or a regular mattress is heavier

Which I had panic attacks on those jobs not going to go in detail about it

McDonald's and Warehouses and factories and goodwill and a few department stores

And adult beverage trucks I used to unload which with my anxiety

I also used to get flashbacks looking at alcohol or being around it.

But back to home workouts

Just I be scared my neighbors mad at me for working out

Even though I am very quiet and I don't work out at late at night or anything past 10 pm

Just I be anxious and thinking my neighbors mad at me even though they don't know me

Because I rarely leave my house like that

Which my neighbors kinda realized I don't leave my house Alot.

Some tried to ask me why I don't leave My house

But I was so anxious to tell them

The truth which is my anxiety and stuff.

But I just be paranoid

Because working out at home is a coping mechanism for me

I be so cautious I don't even make noise even during the day

I tip toe around my home

Which is probably weird

My neighbor's never told me they had a problem

But I guess me living with people in the past kinda give me bad memories

Of people slamming their doors because I had a hard time leaving my room

And stuff.

And I don't drink nor do drugs

Which not shaming nobody that does.

Just I have a long family history of substance abuse disorders

Especially Alcohol

So I got bad memories from family members that used to cause violent and still get nightmares about

So I found working out at home is a natural coping mechanism for my anxiety

Just I feel no anxiety after I workout

But it only lasts a hour before my anxiety comes back

But that hour after working out at home

It helps me feel so good and relaxing

Like my anxiety disappears pretty much

But after a hour slowly comes back.

But I understand some people drink and do drugs to cope with their stress or stuff

But for me personally since substance abuse strongly runs in my family

And left some bad memories

And I have a addictive personality

And sometimes substance abuse can be genetic

Since I have a family history of substance abuse disorders

Going back several generations

And I know if I try hard drugs or alcohol I might get hooked

Plus I had family members that organs like liver or kidneys and heart sadly was damaged or had health problems

And I don't want to deal with another issue on top of my anxiety and nightmares and stuff

Just working out helps and works for me

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I Am So Stupid

Last Wednesday when I went to the ranch to fill bags with pellets for my horse; I discovered the ranch owner forgot to feed my horse in the morning. I totally lost it right in front of three other boarders. I had been having a bad day anyway and discovering the horse hadn’t eaten all day was the straw that that broke the camel’s back. Anyway I believe the other boarders told the ranch owner about my over-reaction and now she hasn’t been very happy with me since then. I am so ashamed of myself, embarrassed, and remorseful for my lapse in judgement. I feel like I owe them all apologies now. I was miserable all day with anxiety and worry over this mess I made. Now I am paralyzed with fear over this mess and scared that the ranch owner won’t like me anymore and it kills me because I adore her and really want to be good friends with her and the other boarders will think less of me. I also know that the boarders and maybe even the ranch owner don’t fully understand me because of my Autism, Severe Depression, ADHD, Social Anxiety Disorder, and Dyspraxia. I do have a hard time controlling my emotions as a result of the above diagnoses. I feel guilt and remorse when my emotions get the best of me. I am so broken over all of this that I feel like I deserve to stay in my isolated non-existence because I can’t socialize properly anyway. All I’ve ever wanted is to feel accepted, understood, and loved. I don’t know what to do. However I am going to write them each an apology letter. I just don’t know if I should reveal my disabilities or if it’s going to sound like I am using them as an excuse for my actions. Thank you all for reading this. Any and all advice and suggestions are greatly appreciated. #Autism #ADHD #Depression #SocialAnxietyDisorder #Dyspraxia

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Disability & Fan Expo

Hi, I'm an autistic person with pain conditions. I'm planning on going to Fan Expo in the summer and I couldn't find out whether or not OTC pain medication would be allowed to be brought (something like Tylenol, Excedrin Migraine, that sort of thing)?

And if anyone has any other tips/advice for being autistic and going to Fan Expo, that would be also much appreciated. I'm already starting my game plan for going to this event.

#AutismSpectrumDisorder #Autism #AutismSpectrum #Migraine #Headache #SocialAnxiety #SocialAnxietyDisorder #SensoryProcessingDisorder

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A letter to my loved ones

Thank you for being there for me, thank you for supporting me and trusting me. Thank you for believing in me and being proud of me.

To my family: I'm sorry I don't talk to them often and even though I think about them every day, I can't manage to show all the love I have for them. I'm sorry I can't be more affective and I'm sorry I disappear from time to time. I just feel the need to get my life together so often because due to mental illness it can get out of hand. I'm okay and most of the time I'm happy, but when I'm not busy working I'm busy taking care of my mental health and sometimes it's just too much to share. I have a thousand ideas of how to spend more time together and a million things I'd like to say to them everyday but I'm rather silent and distant, not because I don't love them but because that's my coping mechanism - I push them away until I have everything sorted and I feel ready to hold an honest conversation with them. I trust them as much as they trust me and it's not a matter of not wanting to talk to them or share stuff with them, it's just that I'm used to dealing with my sh*t by myself before letting anyone in again. I will continue to try to see them more often and let them know how grateful I am for them, I'll keep on trying and in the meantime I hope they understand how much I care about every single one of them.

To my friends: I'm sorry I can be so unreliable when making plans and then actually doing those plans. I'm sorry I don't text back sometimes and some other times I'm not behaving as how I usually do. Social anxiety is not about being an introvert but it is rather a medical condition that makes me feel nervous or anxious before I go out and socialize; as extrovert as I can be, it's frustrating for me not to be able to stay consistent with my friends and to check in on them as much as I want to. I'm sorry I pushed some of my friends away unintentionally, sometimes memories act as triggers and triggers can set me back a lot more than I wish they did.

An update to all of them: I'm doing okay, I'm happy with my life and I keep trying every day. I have therapy once a week and an appointment with my psychiatrist once a month. I used to take 1 antidepressant every morning but now my psychiatrist has suggested I take 2, so that's what I'm doing now. With therapy and my medication I am improving day by day and I feel great. I don't have an active eating disorder anymore which feels awesome, I feel loved and I can't wait to improve a lot more so I can be the best version of myself for all of them. and If sometimes I can't be the best version of myself, I will try my best to show up and be there regardless, because sometimes all they need is a message or call from me, regardless of how unmotivated I am.

#Depression #SocialAnxiety #SocialAnxietyDisorder #CheckInWithMe #CheerMeOn #Anxiety #EatingDisorders

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Told my mom about moving in with my dad...it didn't go well | TW parents, guilt-tripping, gaslighting, swearing, one all cap text, suicide ideation

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I've finally told my mom that after considering, I plan to move with my dad, and said that it had nothing against her. She was offended, she even said it, too. Continuously guilt-tripping me with words like "I do everything I can for you, and yet you still chose him over me."

I told her to stop guilt-tripping me and told her numerous times that it had nothing against her. She acted like she wasn't offended and understood my decision, but as someone with autism and whose mother has been mentally abusive for most of my life, I knew she was deep down. She denied that she was guilt-tripping, and has even accused me of guilt-tripping her when I said out loud that I then wanted to kill myself (out of stress, disbelief, and not wanting to deal with the pain anymore). Not to mention that I was just looking for ways to kill myself three days ago because of this stupid society. She even said something like "how can you get mad at me when everyone else in the world does that" when I mentioned that she used to fat-shame me, shame me for not taking showers at times and compared me to others, etc... she even denied that she even MOCKED me because she thought that I was offended, when really I couldn't hear her the first time, and I told her that, too!!

I don't fucking care if she started to talk in a more understanding matter and was no longer offended and acts like she actually cares about me (like she does every fucking time we have start an argument), I'm not forgiving her for saying those things. At this point, she doesn't deserve it. One of my queerplatonic partners (not friends, but not romantic) is now pissed.. well, every one of my partners are now pissed at her at this point, and are very glad that I chose to move in with my dad instead of staying with her. She has never changed when it comes to my dad. I'm honestly very disappointed that she even acted that way. I'm fucking 21 years old, a fucking adult who can make their own fucking decisions, and yet she still hasn't changed. 😞😡

I already don't like my (older) sister very much, either, because I always feel like she gaslights me whenever we get into conflict as well.

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #Anxiety #Family #FamilyAndFriends #GuiltTrip #SocialAnxiety #moving #SocialAnxietyDisorder #Disappointed #MentalHealth #WOW #Parent #Parents #mentalabuse #Abuse #Siblings #Gaslighting

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Tired of People saying I'm lazy or Unmotivated nobody understands my situation #Ableism #Agoraphobia #Bipolar #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder

Trigger Warning Abuse, Gun Violence

These Chronic Negative ideations are getting to me today

Just I'm feeling it very hard today

Just recorded myself Talking couldn't do a video today

Was that anxious

Just Feel like a Burden on Society and Nobody understands

I kinda get tired of people calling me lazy or Unmotivated.

When in reality they never had Agoraphobia

Because at the End of the day

I still have Agoraphobia had it since I was 5

Is getting a little better

But still have the condition

Maybe Its not like in 2010 when I couldn't step outside my house

With Therapy I still can't stand outside my house very long

But with the Anxiety and panic symptoms

I'm able to Pay bills and food and stuff some physical checkups occasionally now.

But can't do it everyday it's occasional

Maybe once or twice a month

Because I try to Occasionally push through since it's one day.

Because I know I can't do it everyday I would kill myself

The feelings are overwhelming

And doing that I feel bad panic symptoms.

Dizziness headaches heart aches

It messes with my separate migraine diagnosis which I had since I was a little boy.

Take meds just for those specific days just to pay bills.

Which I been doing every month if I could.

But I feel so sick.

Just I tried several jobs over the years.

From Warehouses and factories McDonald's which I had panic attacks

Dropping money and patties.

Not being able to handle the open Spaces of a McDonald's restaurant.

Had a panic attack

Goodwill, Carwashes, Landfills, Wet Factories

Lifting 200 to 300 lb barrels of Fruit and veggies and water.

Which water is Heavy than people expect when in barrels.

And water is not dense as well. It's a liquid.

That spilled on the floor.

And lifting that repeatedly with and without help

This very different than weight training

That you do sets for maybe a few minutes to a hour

This is repetitive lifting throughout a shift for 8 hours+

And had 10- 12 hour days Alot it never ended at 8 hours flat.

And you doing it at a fast rate.

Since it's a factory and those bins fills up quickly from the leftover food on the floor.

Since some people shoulders gave out

And mines didn't. Thankfully

Having panic attacks every night felt like Giving up.

Everytime I came home.

Even was thinking about working at a Tire Plant.

Which I didn't do the Tire Plant.

Too crowded. Definitely couldn't handle that environment.

I Did Every Entry Level Physical Job Imaginable.

Public jobs that I can think of.

But nobody understands or sees that.

Only IRS knows that.

Because They Take A portion of the Pay out of my check.

Which I loved Paying Taxes.

Since I was working

But couldn't handle the Jobs.

Agoraphobia and Severe Social Anxiety and anxiety in general and panic attacks daily

Is very real condition.

But Ableism exists.

So they say Ableist Statements

Saying anxiety is not a real disability

And saying tough through it

Or MAN UP.

Which Nobody Understands My Situation.

Just Even Work At Home. I be Feeling like a Burden A lot on Society.

Just I Been Feeling like a Burden since I was a kid.

Felt I was a Burden That Kept My Mom from Going to the Military 🪖

Fresh out of High School.

Which she never said.

Since She Got pregnant with me.

By the time she was going to start Basic Training

And she had the option To Either Have a Abortion or Go Through Basic Training

Or Have Me and Had to Lose her Opportunity To Enlist.

When I got shot at when I was 17 in 2011

I thought maybe I should've gotten shot.

Maybe if I was dead I wouldn't be a burden

On People and this Capitalist System.

Just I Deal With Unemployment.

And if you Judge me by me typing this.

You shouldn't probably be in my life in the first place

But people don't understand

It's Very hard to keep a job

I do want to work a job or something

But Main Thing I have a conditions

I had for years.

This just didn't come up when I was grown

I had this anxiety and stuff since I was 5 I can remember.

Been feeling ideations since I was 15.

Had To go to the hospital for the first time.

Of trying to Cope with the issues.

Didn't know it was a mental health condition.

Until I was trying to do something to myself in 2010.

Been a ongoing problem

Just People don't understand how this can cause me to not keep a stable job or employment.

Which would be considered Gainfully or Substantial Employment.

I have difficulty due to my condition

I did try in public places.

I had a panic attack heart beating everyday.

Feeling dizzy and my pre existing migraine problems becoming more prominent due to this.

Just Even Working at home it's very difficult.

Because they want you to still talk on the phone

And type stuff and stay on the computer..

Which I don't even due in my personal life.

Because it causes bad anxiety being on the internet and the phone.

Since I still have to interact with people.

Just it's Interreacting with people in general

That gets me very bad anxiety.

And Working at Home means you Are Independent.

You still work under someone else.

It's not like I'm the owner of a fortune 500 company deciding how my day will go.

I'm just a Worker for Someone else like majority of people.

So I have to Do What they feel is Profitable to do so.

People act like these companies really care about my well being

When they give accommodations

Which the accomodations still favors the business owner more than the employee

Which I understand.

Those accomodations really didn't do anything to better my condition

and anxiety and stuff I constantly feel daily.

Just Even if I could do a job for one day.

That's not substantial to survive.

And I'm just going to feel sick and dizzy and blurry vision

And aggravates my preexisting migraine condition.

But The Way Society is.

Due to being Very Hyper Competitive and stuff.

Just Someone like me can't compete with someone

That doesn't have my issues.

At job positions.

Just Life.

It Really doesn't accommodate someone with my conditions.

Be trying to see some work at home jobs fit my condition...

But nothing I can do at a consistent substantial rate gainfully rate.

Doesn't make sense to Start a job that I'm going to have a physical anxiety and panic attacks daily

And eventually quit.

Doesn't make sense. Because it's not substantial

Instead of wait until something I can actually handle.

I'm trying just.

I can't survive off that condition.

Just feel like it's my fault for having these issues.

I didn't ask for.

I feel anxious texting people.

And people don't understand.

I try to go on social media and stuff for therapy.

Since I don't leave my house.

And Agoraphobia and Social Anxiety disorder and stuff.

It's a Double edged sword.

Because being alone I don't get panic attacks as often

And feel those horrible feelings I feel mentally.

But Being alone also makes you more Depressed and Lonely and sader

So I try to balance it.

But even going online is very anxious provoking.

I try to do it for therapeutic reasons.

And have flashbacks as well

And non anxiety based such as getting shot at in 2011

And other stuff I'm not going to publicly going to disclose.

Only people I don't feel anxious is My Mother and my immediate brother and sister.

The ones I lived with growing up.

Just them all other family members I struggle just calling them.

Just my life sucks.

I constantly hear I'm lazy or Unmotivated

Or whatever you call it.

Just society doesn't understand.

Why I'm having difficulty keeping a job.

It's seems like it's not profitable.

Like my condition doesn't work under a hyper Capitalistic society.

Just I'm trying but I can't work for the best of me.

I have to work with accommodations that are best for employers

Which I understand.

Since profit is the driver or capitalism.

The Accomodations they give me I still have anxiety.

I can't do 8 or 4 hours consistently.

Maybe for one day but after that

I'm going to feel exhausted and dizzy vi

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Happy Birthday! #Depression #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SocialAnxietyDisorder #Trauma

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE BOSS!
Mr. Bruce Springsteen! Here’s to you!🍻🍻🥳 what is one of your favourite Bruce Springsteen songs?
See you in November! 🤞🏼 hope I can do it🙏🏼

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