Social Anxiety Disorder

I constantly blame myself for other people's actions and problems sadly

Even though that's out of my control

Just I be paranoid about What Strangers Think about me

diagnosed with Agoraphobia and Social Anxiety disorder bipolar disorder

and Generalized Anxiety disorder and panic disorder and PTSD

Not Paranoid like Having Delusions or something

But Paranoid About What people Think about me.

Like I Rarely leave my house. Because of my anxiety and stuff As usual

Not going to go in detail about Agoraphobia and Generalized Anxiety and social anxiety and etc

But the times I do leave my house I be so exhausted

But I be thinking my neighbors when they see me are mad at me or something

Like when I hear them slam the door or something

I be thinking I did something wrong to make them slam the door

Like I literally tip toe around my home because I be scared I'm being kinda loud

Even though my house is very quiet

I don't even have people over my house

Since I don't have friends and I don't leave my house which is my fault

But I literally tip toe

I'm 6'2" 225lbs but Im a bigger guy

But I literally tip toe because I just be paranoid

About my neighbors

Even though that drives me nuts with so much worrying

Like I Have a next door neighbor that plays music loud on weekends sometimes to 1 2 3 4 am sometimes

I don't personally have a problem with him playing music though

That's what works for him

Even though majority of the time I listen to music on my Noise Cancelling Headphones.

But I be thinking my neighbors are mad at me or think I'm playing that loud music

Which I'm not personally. Majority of the time I listen on my headphones which sounds like a sound system

That My Dad used to have in the trunk of his car with the DJ speakers in the trunk

Like it be so loud the car starts rattling a little.

But since I have a hard time leaving my house

I don't really go anywhere outside of food or bills or pharmacy or physical appointments

Which gets tiring and stupid but my body reacts all the time

Plus the medicine I take makes me sleepy during the day

Like If I wake up early I still feel constantly tired and end up going back to sleep

Sometimes 10 + hours which throws off my natural sleep pattern

Since the medicine helps a lot but that side effect of tiredness

Regardless of how early I take it.

But since I only be at home

I can't go to in public but private chain commercial gyms

Since it's full of people and I had a few panic attacks

And never could get a workout in so I wasted money

On a membership and I never used the gym properly the way I want

So I'm my anxiety and my brain just reacts in front of people

Headaches and temporary blurry vision and all kinds of weird symptoms

So I had to get gym equipment to workout at home

Which has been so helpful for me

Which workout at home if the medicine doesn't mess up my schedule

Since it messes up my workout schedule

Because it makes me so tired

Since due to my Agoraphobia I only workout at home

Due to my Agoraphobia and anxiety etc not leaving my house

Which causes me not to be active even though I'm a naturally active person

But anxiety is so detrimental to me physically

I was at risk of Type 2 Diabetes

since it runs in my family as a African American Male in His Late 20s Early 30s

I was at Prediabetic Range when I got blood work done

So I wasn't working out then

But I used to workout at home growing up since I had weightlifting equipment

But lost my weights in storage when my Stepdad passed away in 2015 which since I couldn't leave my house

Caused me to not be as active

Which In turn since I can't afford the best diet as well

Even though I want to eat better and I do try

Just healthy food is so expensive. When you have to consistently buy it

Especially when building muscle and stuff. Since muscle needs protein and calories naturally

Which I used to undereat throughout my 20s

Atleast protein wise.

But Working out At home

I be Very quiet working out since I live upstairs

And I have a silencing pad if I'm doing rows which I be so paranoid about me making noise

Even though I'm quiet.

I don't do deadlifts personally because it is awkward to me

But I do rows which helps my back

And I have a Silencing pad that silence all the noise

Even though I be very quiet working out

Even though my workouts last maybe at most 2 hours

But different exercises since your body can't handle doing the same exercises over and over again

Which I had to do at jobs lifting heavy loads of veggies and fruits and boxes constantly

Which I was very anxious and had blurred vision and all kinds of stuff

Panic symptoms as usual when I leave my house

And I was still trying to move those fruit barrels that at filled with water and fruits and veggies that spilled on the floor

From the work floor and having to dump that every 10 minutes

300 lb 400 lbs barrels with manual strength no pallet jack to dump it on a higher surface.

Since water 💦 is very heavy when it's compact in a tote or container with veggies and fruits

Which adds weight people don't realize how heavy that is.

Water is very heavy. And water is not compact like that it's very unstable compared to free weights.

Think of a water bed 🛏️ a water bed is heavier than the most heaviest mattress.

Water is different than air

Oxygen or air is not heavy a air mattress is very light

But water or a regular mattress is heavier

Which I had panic attacks on those jobs not going to go in detail about it

McDonald's and Warehouses and factories and goodwill and a few department stores

And adult beverage trucks I used to unload which with my anxiety

I also used to get flashbacks looking at alcohol or being around it.

But back to home workouts

Just I be scared my neighbors mad at me for working out

Even though I am very quiet and I don't work out at late at night or anything past 10 pm

Just I be anxious and thinking my neighbors mad at me even though they don't know me

Because I rarely leave my house like that

Which my neighbors kinda realized I don't leave my house Alot.

Some tried to ask me why I don't leave My house

But I was so anxious to tell them

The truth which is my anxiety and stuff.

But I just be paranoid

Because working out at home is a coping mechanism for me

I be so cautious I don't even make noise even during the day

I tip toe around my home

Which is probably weird

My neighbor's never told me they had a problem

But I guess me living with people in the past kinda give me bad memories

Of people slamming their doors because I had a hard time leaving my room

And stuff.

And I don't drink nor do drugs

Which not shaming nobody that does.

Just I have a long family history of substance abuse disorders

Especially Alcohol

So I got bad memories from family members that used to cause violent and still get nightmares about

So I found working out at home is a natural coping mechanism for my anxiety

Just I feel no anxiety after I workout

But it only lasts a hour before my anxiety comes back

But that hour after working out at home

It helps me feel so good and relaxing

Like my anxiety disappears pretty much

But after a hour slowly comes back.

But I understand some people drink and do drugs to cope with their stress or stuff

But for me personally since substance abuse strongly runs in my family

And left some bad memories

And I have a addictive personality

And sometimes substance abuse can be genetic

Since I have a family history of substance abuse disorders

Going back several generations

And I know if I try hard drugs or alcohol I might get hooked

Plus I had family members that organs like liver or kidneys and heart sadly was damaged or had health problems

And I don't want to deal with another issue on top of my anxiety and nightmares and stuff

Just working out helps and works for me

Last Wednesday when I went to the ranch to fill bags with pellets for my horse; I discovered the ranch owner forgot to feed my horse in the morning. I totally lost it right in front of three other boarders. I had been having a bad day anyway and discovering the horse hadn’t eaten all day was the straw that that broke the camel’s back. Anyway I believe the other boarders told the ranch owner about my over-reaction and now she hasn’t been very happy with me since then. I am so ashamed of myself, embarrassed, and remorseful for my lapse in judgement. I feel like I owe them all apologies now. I was miserable all day with anxiety and worry over this mess I made. Now I am paralyzed with fear over this mess and scared that the ranch owner won’t like me anymore and it kills me because I adore her and really want to be good friends with her and the other boarders will think less of me. I also know that the boarders and maybe even the ranch owner don’t fully understand me because of my Autism, Severe Depression, ADHD, Social Anxiety Disorder, and Dyspraxia. I do have a hard time controlling my emotions as a result of the above diagnoses. I feel guilt and remorse when my emotions get the best of me. I am so broken over all of this that I feel like I deserve to stay in my isolated non-existence because I can’t socialize properly anyway. All I’ve ever wanted is to feel accepted, understood, and loved. I don’t know what to do. However I am going to write them each an apology letter. I just don’t know if I should reveal my disabilities or if it’s going to sound like I am using them as an excuse for my actions. Thank you all for reading this. Any and all advice and suggestions are greatly appreciated. #Autism #ADHD #Depression #SocialAnxietyDisorder #Dyspraxia

Hi, my name is Elizabeth Serrano. I've been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, Anxiety, Depression and Early Onset Parkinson’s Disease.

#MightyTogether #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #Depression #Anxiety

Hi, I'm an autistic person with pain conditions. I'm planning on going to Fan Expo in the summer and I couldn't find out whether or not OTC pain medication would be allowed to be brought (something like Tylenol, Excedrin Migraine, that sort of thing)?

And if anyone has any other tips/advice for being autistic and going to Fan Expo, that would be also much appreciated. I'm already starting my game plan for going to this event.

#AutismSpectrumDisorder #Autism #AutismSpectrum #Migraine #Headache #SocialAnxiety #SocialAnxietyDisorder #SensoryProcessingDisorder

Thank you for being there for me, thank you for supporting me and trusting me. Thank you for believing in me and being proud of me.

To my family: I'm sorry I don't talk to them often and even though I think about them every day, I can't manage to show all the love I have for them. I'm sorry I can't be more affective and I'm sorry I disappear from time to time. I just feel the need to get my life together so often because due to mental illness it can get out of hand. I'm okay and most of the time I'm happy, but when I'm not busy working I'm busy taking care of my mental health and sometimes it's just too much to share. I have a thousand ideas of how to spend more time together and a million things I'd like to say to them everyday but I'm rather silent and distant, not because I don't love them but because that's my coping mechanism - I push them away until I have everything sorted and I feel ready to hold an honest conversation with them. I trust them as much as they trust me and it's not a matter of not wanting to talk to them or share stuff with them, it's just that I'm used to dealing with my sh*t by myself before letting anyone in again. I will continue to try to see them more often and let them know how grateful I am for them, I'll keep on trying and in the meantime I hope they understand how much I care about every single one of them.

To my friends: I'm sorry I can be so unreliable when making plans and then actually doing those plans. I'm sorry I don't text back sometimes and some other times I'm not behaving as how I usually do. Social anxiety is not about being an introvert but it is rather a medical condition that makes me feel nervous or anxious before I go out and socialize; as extrovert as I can be, it's frustrating for me not to be able to stay consistent with my friends and to check in on them as much as I want to. I'm sorry I pushed some of my friends away unintentionally, sometimes memories act as triggers and triggers can set me back a lot more than I wish they did.

An update to all of them: I'm doing okay, I'm happy with my life and I keep trying every day. I have therapy once a week and an appointment with my psychiatrist once a month. I used to take 1 antidepressant every morning but now my psychiatrist has suggested I take 2, so that's what I'm doing now. With therapy and my medication I am improving day by day and I feel great. I don't have an active eating disorder anymore which feels awesome, I feel loved and I can't wait to improve a lot more so I can be the best version of myself for all of them. and If sometimes I can't be the best version of myself, I will try my best to show up and be there regardless, because sometimes all they need is a message or call from me, regardless of how unmotivated I am.

#Depression #SocialAnxiety #SocialAnxietyDisorder #CheckInWithMe #CheerMeOn #Anxiety #EatingDisorders

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

I've finally told my mom that after considering, I plan to move with my dad, and said that it had nothing against her. She was offended, she even said it, too. Continuously guilt-tripping me with words like "I do everything I can for you, and yet you still chose him over me."

I told her to stop guilt-tripping me and told her numerous times that it had nothing against her. She acted like she wasn't offended and understood my decision, but as someone with autism and whose mother has been mentally abusive for most of my life, I knew she was deep down. She denied that she was guilt-tripping, and has even accused me of guilt-tripping her when I said out loud that I then wanted to kill myself (out of stress, disbelief, and not wanting to deal with the pain anymore). Not to mention that I was just looking for ways to kill myself three days ago because of this stupid society. She even said something like "how can you get mad at me when everyone else in the world does that" when I mentioned that she used to fat-shame me, shame me for not taking showers at times and compared me to others, etc... she even denied that she even MOCKED me because she thought that I was offended, when really I couldn't hear her the first time, and I told her that, too!!

I don't fucking care if she started to talk in a more understanding matter and was no longer offended and acts like she actually cares about me (like she does every fucking time we have start an argument), I'm not forgiving her for saying those things. At this point, she doesn't deserve it. One of my queerplatonic partners (not friends, but not romantic) is now pissed.. well, every one of my partners are now pissed at her at this point, and are very glad that I chose to move in with my dad instead of staying with her. She has never changed when it comes to my dad. I'm honestly very disappointed that she even acted that way. I'm fucking 21 years old, a fucking adult who can make their own fucking decisions, and yet she still hasn't changed. 😞😡

I already don't like my (older) sister very much, either, because I always feel like she gaslights me whenever we get into conflict as well.

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #Anxiety #Family #FamilyAndFriends #GuiltTrip #SocialAnxiety #moving #SocialAnxietyDisorder #Disappointed #MentalHealth #WOW #Parent #Parents #mentalabuse #Abuse #Siblings #Gaslighting

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

I'm LGBTQ+. I'm transmasc non-binary. I'm otherkin (not human). I'm Black. I have autism (please don't call my autism a disorder/disability/syndrome) and anxiety, and someone with trauma. I cry very easily. I am overweight. I am a part of a plural/collective. I am non-romantically polyamorous. And every damn day, I feel like this world called society is just here to for the sole purpose to shit on others, betray others, or just to secretly judge others, including me.

Every day, it is getting much harder and harder to believe that there is a single damn individual out there (other than my current therapist, all of my partners, my dad, and a few friends) who has common sense, is open-hearted, is open-minded, and doesn't like to discriminate or invalidate others for being different or for experiencing different things, or labeling themselves differently. Sometimes, the anxiety gets to the point where it seems like going out is stupid for me. What's the point?

It's like almost every damn community I've been a part of (and left) and witnessed just LOVES to INVALIDATE OTHERS SOMEHOW?! It's so annoying and stupid and it's just like... why can't you just fucking accept someone for who they are??? All of this just makes me so fucking angry and just...!!

...Sigh. Now that that's off my chest... may I ask for advice on how to go about this? I already currently seeing a therapist, luckily. Right now, it is very very hard for me to get off this mindset because I believe it's true, sadly.. this society and all of other individuals' opinions is tearing me apart..

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MentalHealth #helpme #Vent #venting #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #SocialAnxietyDisorder #anger #help #Society #Advice #triggerwarning #Neurodiversity #LGBTQIA #plural #otherkin