My Favorite Person is out of my league
I'm struggling to function with my everyday life as I write this because of my FP being away from me.
I'm 22, and graduating soon but I had problems concentrating with my undergrad thesis because I've been only focusing on my FP. She lives in another country, and we only see each other once a month if there's an event. She's a CEO of known company, and as I write this it may be unbelievable that I have some sort of connection with this high profile individual.
She became my FP last October, 2022. She came to my life when my world is crumbling because I already lost connection with my old FP. Knowing the cycle, I had to have a new FP in order to make my life liveable. At first, it's just like a fangirl period where I adore how kind she is. She speaks in different language, I can understand her but there's still a language and culture barrier between us. But it didn't became hindrance, we continue to communicate. And I would do extensive efforts like what I would always do in order to have her validations and attention. I literally came to the point of travelling to another country in order to see her, as of now I already did it thrice. I just flew back last week, and I'm struggling to function right now because my attachment became stronger because of that trip.
Living with BPD, it's a struggle to crave for assurance and validation every moment I felt being abandoned. But because of "not-so-casual relationship" with her, all those feelings are kept inside me and I make sure it doesn't reach her. I also have this urge to give her lengthy messages, to make her feel what I feel but I just do it every time we meet because I don't wanna freak her out by sending random messages like that:) She's not very expressive type, but her actions towards me is what I'm being attached to.
The common ground between my FPs is probably when they gave me trust and attention. She constantly give me that, but it also feels like it's just her personality, or she's just being kind towards me that she's just giving back and doesn't want to owe anything on me.
Every time we bid goodbye when we see each other, she would say "let's not see each other again". As a borderline, that statement would always wreck me. Last March, she said "our friendship ends here" and I cried the hell out of me. So I end up sending her long message, and asked for a hug lol. I became fine after that. Because that statement she would always say it lightheartedly, I became used to it.
Probably this month, we'll gonna be meeting each other again. So I would spend my time searching for gifts I would give her, and just looking back at the memories we had last week. The emotions are still intense, something inside my heart wanted to come out and be released. But I know I had to hold it back.
I only have few days before my thesis deadline, but my whole attention and mind is onto my FP. I am completely not okay right now. Having an FP is so hard, but for the past 10 years, I haven't lived without FP. How do you guys managed not to have FP? I'm a woman, and most/all of my FPs are also women. I see them as my family, mother, sister sort of.