I have had to completely block my mom out of my life after years of trying and being hurt by her manipulation, put downs, etc. and my sister never liked me since I was born despite my efforts. my dad lives across the states and isn’t well so I never get to see him unless I scrape up money to see him and am healthy enough to fly myself. I started listening to 90’s country, the only country I can listen to because it’s what my mom and step dad listened to when I was growing up in Oregon in a farm with them. although it was mostly uncertain whether I was lived or liked half the time by any of them, I somehow remember that time as the Brett time I was the happiest. and every moment there was country music playing was a good happy moment with my mom. I don’t have many but every time with music with her was good. so all I’m thinking of is the good times, easily ignoring all the bad and the radon’s why I have to be strong and not let her in, at least not until I’ve learned how to be strong enough to not let her abuse effect me any more, which isn’t yet. but time alien these I really hurt and really wish I could have that family I always hoped and tried so hard to create, which made it hurt worse when I saw the abuse that was always going to be there tearing me down and confusing me making me feel like it was somehow my fault. I know I can’t reach out and have that, maybe ever, and so I’m here making top ramen in my house I managed to own myself (it’s just a mobile home, but it’s very nice, but still all mine despite my health hurdles in life) and living along because relationships have proven impossible for me to maintain unless they’re at arms length. so I have a cat who loves me so much, which helps. I can’t stop balling though, missing those times when all I can remember was the shoot times listening to 90’s country, singing along and just trying to soak it in, knowing it would shift at a moments notice, just like always with my mom and sister. my step dad always took my moms side so I couldn’t rely on him. the only safe people was my grandmother in a different house than us. I’m just so sad right now thinking about it all. all I could think to do was to post my thoughts right now on here, even if no one gets through my ramblings that I’m pretty sure have typos and aren’t a flowing easy to read sentence structure lol.
#FamilyTrauma #idealization #Depression #Relationships