When My Emotions Get the Better of Me, and My ASD Feels Like A Curse Rather Than A Blessing
I had a confrontation with my dorm roommate the other night. We had an inside joke between the two of us, but I had reached the point where I no longer found the joke to be amusing anymore. I’ve made this known, with no effect; over time, my responses have turned more blunt, aggressive even. I’ve even made a few threatening statements; while I had zero intention of following through, my hope was that if he thought I would, then maybe he’d stop. Well, the other night, this reach a breaking point, and I actually literally yelled at him. He was clearly shocked, as he has yet to see me get to this point. I went to my room to cool off, and once I was sure he was back in his room, I came back out. After coming back out briefly, he said that he couldn’t wait until he was living somewhere where “he wasn’t’t physically threatened.” This statement gave me the impression that he was actually angry with me, so I left for a while to give myself — and him — some space. After a while, we did talk over the phone, and I came back to the dorm, Mountain Dew in hand as something of a peace offering . . . An olive branch, figuratively speaking. Nevertheless, I cannot shake the feeling of guilt that I’m experiencing . . . Even after he acknowledged that he’s no longer upset . . . Even after downing three shots of whiskey yesterday afternoon . . . Even after watching a movie last night at the movie theatre . . . For some reason, I cannot seem to forget what I did . . . Guess this is the disadvantage of morality and the curse of my ASD. #Autism #EmotionalDysregulation #anger #struggling #copingmechanisms