For those of you who never struggle to just feel “normal,” please be grateful and don’t ever take that for granted because those of us that do struggle, are so envious. Shout out to all of those that feel the way I’m feeling right now and are able to convince themselves to keep fighting. I am not exaggerating when I say I struggle with my mind daily. I have gone through hell and back only to come out stronger than I ever was before. But sometimes that’s irrelevant.
Days like today often come without warning. They blindside me and I become aware of the internal dialogue debating over the point of my existence. When people say “I’m feeling suicidal” it doesn’t mean they are all of a sudden having suicidal thoughts, (at least for me), those thoughts are always there. When I say I’m suicidal, it means I’m scared the thoughts are winning. I’m not to that point but I am very cognizant that I could easily get to that point.
Every single day of my life, the thoughts are there telling me it would be so nice to just give in. To quit struggling and fighting this battle. To just lie down and go to sleep and never wake up. It is so enticing, the thought of permanent peace when all you know exists of internal conflict and struggle. My disease is exhausting. So when my friends text me asking what I’ve been up to today and I answer, “sleeping,” please know it is not out of laziness but more from pure exhaustion from the perpetual fight.
With my illness there are good days and bad. Today wasn’t such a good day and, though the thoughts aren’t winning, they’re incredibly strong. I know this will change and I’ll be on top of the world, flying the highs of mania soon enough. It’s hard to remember that though when your thoughts keep dragging you into despair. Be patient.
I am not writing this in the hopes that all of my amazing friends will say encouraging things and lift my spirits. I alone am responsible for that. I write in the hopes that someone else suffering the same way will feel validated and not alone. I write in the hopes that something might click in the minds of those who don’t suffer, so they can be more compassionate and aware of those that may be struggling around them.
I have an incredible life filled with amazing people. I have EVERY reason to live but it doesn’t change the idea in my head that it would be so nice to just let go. Though my brain whispers that thought to me often, my heart beats louder and reminds me that I have to keep fighting. That there’s so much to keep fighting for. #fightforyourlife #bipolarbattle #Bipolar #MentalIllness #Depression #Suicide #thestruggleisreal